If I Can Dream…….

“We’re lost in a cloud,

With too much rain

We’re trapped in a world

with too much pain

But as long as a man

has the strength to dream

He can redeem his soul and fly.

Deep in my heart there’s a trembling question

Still, I am sure that the answer gonna come somehow

Out there in the dark, there’s a beckoning candle.

And while I can think, while I can talk,

While I can stand, while I can walk,

While I can dream, please let my dream come true right now……..”

Thank you Mr Elvis Presley, for having a song that I needed to hear very much today. The words spoke to me so clearly, they described pretty much exactly how I am feeling. I turned the music up loud and I sang. I sang my little heart out. Then I replayed it, and I sang again. And as dodgy as it probably sounded, it felt damn fucking amazing!

Music has the ability to get through to me like no one or any thing else can. It can touch emotions I don’t realise I am feeling, it can free my soul, it can make me laugh, it can make me cry, it can make me dance around like a fucking looney or it can make me close my eyes and transport me to another place. Somewhere far away from the chest crushing problems I am feeling at that time. It can help me breath easier as all other thoughts, for those 3 – 4 minutes, completely disappear. I have music for all different types of moods, every song I hear will remind me of some one or some where or a particular situation. Sometimes these memories can be hard to take, I am learning to leave certain burdens behind but it is still very much a work in progress. The one thing I don’t want to happen is to lose my association through music. Music keeps me sane. Music is always there for me. Music can help me feel when I feel so numb and empty that I think nothing will ever work. Someone like Elvis has the ability to get to me so much it gives me goose bumps in a warm room. I can feel every single word he says. I don’t just hear music, every sense is awoken.

Back to the reason why this particular song means so much. Before yesterday I had been feeling pretty good. Things were starting to make a little bit more sense, I was getting positive feedback and lovely messages in regards to my progress, my fitness, my recovery and my blogs. I felt I was finally starting to achieve what I wanted to. What I needed to. My fingers were pretty much on ground level, I could smell the fresh air, I was so close to freedom! Then yesterday, I woke to find someone had stomped on my fingers. I had let go. I was back in my hole. The fresh air, the sunlight, the feel of freedom felt so many miles away again. I felt empty. I just didn’t want to face the world. I wanted to hide again. I wanted to shut my eyes and just not exist until a better day came.  I felt weak.

With this, came an important decision, one that I know I had to make and now it is today I can see was completely essential, but one that made me feel like a failure. Like I was giving up on myself. The mind is one hell of a mind fuck! I decided to have a rest day. I just couldn’t run, I couldn’t do anything. Physically and mentally I was done. Completely and utterly done. My tank was beyond the red. Mix this in with the fact I was aware I hadn’t kept to my plan on blogging every day for MHAW, well I just felt completely and utterly wank! I seem to blab on about not letting anyone tell you you cant do something and blah blah blah, but yet here was me giving up. Falling at a hurdle.

I know today that that was just the self pity part of my amazingly diverse personality giving me a few kidney jabs. The negative parts of my mind do NOT like it when I don’t give them any attention, and for a good few days I seemed to have got them locked in their cage. They obviously needed a bit of revenge. Bravo you little fuckers, you got me good!

Today I have realised I am not back at the bottom of my hole. I didn’t want to hurt myself. I didn’t want to die. I know that sounds pretty dramatic, but when you are rock bottom, that is how you genuinely feel. Or at least I did. So not having these thoughts was a massive bonus for me! It was one of the first things I realised when I did my morning reflection of the day before. Yes I wanted to hide, yes I wanted to close my eyes and forget the world, but only until a new day came. Not permanently. I had put my phone away early yesterday and ignored it. I put my son to bed and then I went to bed. I left the world to keep turning and took time to just, exist. Nothing more, nothing less.

Waking up this morning I knew the worst had passed. The sigh of relief was immense I will be honest. With me, I can never tell how long my bad days will last. All I can do is hope that it is a brief spell. I cant say I am back to what I was Saturday but I know that will come soon. I have to just keep my arms inside until the ride comes to a complete stop. I know I am not a failure. Far from it. I came back from yesterday and smashed it in the gym today. No personal bests but one hell of a sense of accomplishment for doing it. Same with attending a meeting with my manager. I could have cancelled. I could have postponed, but I didn’t. I went into work, saw some of my lovely colleagues and had a meeting that afterwards I wondered why I was even arsed. My manager was as supportive as ever. She eased my mind when I was concerned about how much longer I am having to be off for. I am more adamant than ever that this time will be utilised in any way I can to make sure I get better. I deserve that. My family and friends deserve that.

So I didn’t hit rock bottom, I just fell onto a ledge but a bit further down. The journey up and out will resume. I am determined. I have dreams. These dreams will only come true if I give it my all. Without the guilt, without the personal mental beatings.

A new hair colour brings a new mentality. The bad days can give me what they have, they can push me as far as they like, but they want to beware. Because I will come back fighting! And I have one hell of kick!

Two steps forward – one step back. I will get there.

CC xx

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