As usual it has been a while. Life has been busier than ever and I don’t think I let myself breathe properly never mind write anymore, but I need to. I need this. My brain feels so full and the only way I know how to empty it is to spout whatever needs to come out.
There are so many amazing things happening in my life at the moment. I smashed the Great North run – 2 hours 29 minutes! I have now left my job, I am a fully fledged full time uni student and Red Balloons is going from strength to strength very quickly! These are amazing, they are the foundations of my future, I am working damn hard to make sure they are a success and I will do anything and everything I can to continue to build a solid reputation and help as many people as I can.
So yeah, great things are occurring. But that doesn’t mean that I am “recovered” or “better”. To be honest the more the good stuff happens, the more I become acutely aware of just how bad the bad stuff still is. The main massive issue at the moment – no matter what I do, no matter how proud of certain things I may be, plain and simply – I hate myself.
Harsh and blunt – but also very true. I despise what I see in the mirror. I constantly pick faults with myself, yet put myself out there as I crave attention I suppose, even if I disagree with everything that is said. It is such a weird mindset to be in, I cant explain it properly. I hate compliments, I never know how to accept them, yet I NEED them. I don’t feel self worth so it is like I need to hear others and what they say. It’s not about what I look like in total honesty, it is about me as a person.
I put myself in stupid situations because I don’t think. It’s like so much is going right i my life that my brain cant cope and it wants to elbow drop the Big Red Button of self destruction. I know how to cope with misery and failure. I don’t know how to manage success and happiness.
How screwed up am I please?!
Thing is, hurting myself, although thankfully not physically, is one thing. When I start to hurt other people, that is a whole different matter though. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. I don’t have it in me. Yet all actions have consequences and I need to realise this ASAP before my own damage causes damage to other people. The thing with mental illness is, it has the capacity to infiltrate your whole life, and poison your environment. It affects your loved ones, your children, your family, your friends, anyone who is around you. If you’re like me, you do realise that you are doing shit things and you push away, you do anything to cause a big space around you as you feel you deserve to hurt, to get loads of shit, but you don’t want anyone else to get hit from the bullets. It is like firing a gun at a mirror image of yourself but not knowing which way the bullets are going to go. You cant guarantee you’ll hurt yourself but someone WILL get hurt.
Yes, I give myself a hard time but that is who I am. I deserve to. I cant pretend that just because I try my hardest to make a difference, to help others and to improve my life, that I am a good person all round. I am flawed. I am damaged goods. It takes a hell of a strong willed person to be around me and deal with all my bullshit.
Do I ever think these things will change? I hope so! I will work my hardest to change them, but I cant change the fundamentals of me. Is that going to be the undoing of me? Is that going to be my downfall? Or is that what is ultimately going to make me come back stronger than ever? Time will tell.
I don’t believe in luck anymore. You make your own luck. So therefore it is time I knuckled down, stopped lying to myself and get myself to where I NEED to be. No on lose can get me there! I need to be busy as that is my coping mechanism. Today will be as full as absolutely possible, so I fall into bed at the end of the day, utterly exhausted. In a way that is my version of self harm I suppose, especially now I don’t binge and purge any more. Today it needs to be done.
Thanks for listening.