Ok, so as we have all established by now, I can definitely be my own worst enemy. I get in my head too much, I listen to the voices that are negative about myself, I beat myself up, tear myself down, lessen myself as a person to myself. These are things I have always done, change is not miraculous, I will always have a certain way of viewing myself. This does not mean I can not grow another side of me to walk alongside the pessimistic bitch. To give the miserable cow a much needed poke in the ribs when she starts getting her stress head on. To duct tape her mouth when enough is enough and I am standing on the edge. To speak sense when nothing seems to make any.
Todays blog is about me celebrating……..ME! It is about the things I am proud of about myself, what I like about myself, what I feel I have managed to successfully change about myself and the things I am simply not willing to change. I want to look back over this when I have a bad day and fall a little bit back in love with myself again. I want to stand tall not slumped over with a dodgy humpback. I want my frown lines to think again before they think they are getting any bloody deeper! I know a lot of how I am is to do with my issues and certain things are out of my control. I cant help having a bad day. This at the end of the day is an illness, not a state of mind. However, I can choose to fight it instead of succumbing to it. So that is what I am going to do!
For any of you who I might irritate, I’d stop reading now as this is going to be a little CC love in. I want to stress that these thoughts that follow are how I feel, what I see and what I think. It has nothing to do with anyone else, I may have had support and influences over time but these are my genuine words, from my heart. They are things I certainly never say out loud and I tend to not acknowledge in my head. It’s like I am ashamed or feel like a boaster if I say good things about myself. Fuck that for a laugh. I do deserve to feel these things. I have felt shit for long enough! I am also going to try not to counteract any positive thing I say about myself with a negative or by underplaying anything. You ready? This should be amusing! Let’s go…….
I’ll start with possibly the hardest section of this blog, my appearance. Not a negative but let’s face it, I will never be Jennifer Aniston, Megan Fox or Gigi Hadid. For a start, I am not wadded with a flurry of people to do everything for me, more’s the pity! However, I have definitely got better with age, like a fine wine. Mmmmmm, wine………… sorry, got a bit distracted there. As I have got older, although mainly self taught, I have learnt what works for me, make up wise and in dress sense. I have made many, many, MANY mistakes on both counts, all trial and error. I have listened and worried too much about what other people think, now I just do what makes me feel comfortable. I wear what I like, I wear a lot less make up but I have learnt to do what I do wear properly. I have always been low maintenance for a lass, probably a bit too low at times but I think that has served me well. As I get older I do take more care in how I appear, but for different reasons. I am not scared to stand out for being, just me. I can do the school run with a face devoid of all make up, I can do the shop in my joggers and vest top. I can walk out of the gym looking like I need to be mopped up! When it comes to a night out or special occasion I can take the time I need to make sure I feel good. I can wear an outfit that makes me feel amazing instead of hiding away. I can stand out in the right way instead of faking shit to stand out in the wrong way.
I love my eyes. Now that I have lost the weight they are not the piss holes in the snow they once were. When I am happy they go a lovely shade of green, when I am upset they can be blue or grey. They are definitely windows to my soul. If you actually took time to look into my eyes you would see a lot more truth than what my face, body language or words are telling you. I like my smile. It shapes my face and although I do do a good resting bitch face, and I have the sarcastic fuck you smile down to a T, my genuine smile lights up my face and to be honest, its the best accessory I own! I do have a cheeky “Raptor” smile too. This is one of my favourites as I love to be cheeky. I love to have fun, to laugh, to have banter.
My legs have always been my favourite feature. They have shape, they are long but they are strong. They have and continue to serve me well. I am proud to say I am now a runner and my legs continue to surprise me. I have muscles in my arms now. MUSCLES! IN MY ARMS! One’s you can actually see and feel! All signs of my hard work. I have lost 9 inches from around my belly! It will always be covered in stretch marks and be lumpy and bumpy, but you know what, that belly was home to the two most precious people on the planet. It kept them safe and warm. It grew them to the perfect forms that they are. How can I continue to hate something that did something so amazing?
That’s enough of how I look anyway. More than enough self praise to make me feel awkward as hell! Do you know what I truly love about myself? The ability to prove myself wrong. To fight back when the odds aren’t in my favour. To stand up and take any knocks that are coming without shying away. I have had a tonne of shit in my life, more than some, a lot less than others, but I have not let that define me. I have chose to make the best of a bad situation and turn as many dark clouds into big,white fluffy ones with shiny, silver linings. I can find at least one positive in any given day, even if I am having a standing on the edge ready to jump day.
I have the ability to make people smile, to make them laugh. I can detect emotions, even through text and I will do whatever I can to make someone’s bad day a tiny bit better. I love with all my heart. I will give whatever I can to those that I care for. I am here day or night, through the bad times as well as the good. I will look after anyone who needs TLC. If you reach out to me, I will be there. I may give shit advice, I may not know what to say, but what I do say will be genuine. Life is too short for pussy footing bullshit. I may be blunt at times and I definitely think before I speak but at least you can say you get what is going on in my head. If your arse looks fat in that, I am the friend that will tell you, but in a way that doesn’t hurt or offend.
I am actually quite clever, even though I am as ditsy as they come at times. I am proud of the way I write, of how easy I find it. I do need to work on the curse words but those are just part of what escapes my crazy brain at times. I find things easy to take on board, I learn quick and I have a passion for it. If I see or hear something I don’t understand or that intrigues me, I will use my own initiative to find out more. I am a fountain of useless facts, ask the people in my office, but I can come in handy in a pub quiz and has certainly given us a few laughs over the break table! Figging anyone??
I am not scared to look daft. I will stick my gigantic tongue out at any photo opportunity and the amount I cross my eyes there is no wonder I get headaches and need glasses now! I love a silly Snapchat session, to sing badly at the top of my lungs, especially in the car, much to my daughters anguish. I will dance around like an absolute loony, both in the house and when I am out. It just doesn’t bother me. If people are laughing at me, hey at least they are laughing! I drink like a fish, eat portions that could feed my son’s nursery class and watch the shittest TV programmes imaginable at times.
Do you know what I have learnt? I am far from perfect. I wont win any modelling competitions, I drive many people mad and some people just hate me, either on meeting me or when they get to know me. I can live with that. I am finally starting to learn, I cant please everyone. What I do promise though, is if you care for me I will be forever by your side. I am hard to push away. I can be like a complete limpet and just stick. Even if you are posh and shop at Tesco ;-). I am common as muck, Northern and proud with thick skin and the ability to laugh at myself. I am not easily offended and I have the ability to at least try and see an argument from both sides. I will always say sorry IF I am wrong.
Yes, for every plus point I have given myself I know I can counter act it, but I don’t want to. For once I want to just celebrate being me. All crazy, mixed up me. I have a big heart and if you want a piece of it you are more than welcome. Just do not hurt me.
I don’t expect people to be able to do what I have done. It is surprisingly hard to be nice about yourself! I cant quite get my head round it. But do, pick at least one thing you like about yourself, although the more the merrier. Celebrate being you. Every person on this planet is special in their own way. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Especially not yourself.