It’s been nearly a week since I last blogged, and what a week it has been! Many highs, a few lows, but as I sit watching my beautiful boy play in the paddling pool whilst the sun beams down on us I genuinely realise just how lucky I am in many ways.
Magaluf was everything I needed it to be and more. I have met some of the nicest lasses you could ever hope to meet. They took me in and treated me as if I had always been one of the gang. Considering how sick with nerves I was at going, this really did touch my heart. It also proved to me how much people love the gorgeous Faye just as much as I do. How can you not? She is flipping lush!
As some one who has a serious lack of confidence and who has never had a big group of her own lass friends never mind been on a lasses holiday, it was an extremely daunting experience. Anxiety has never been something I have had to worry about but it was certainly an anxious time. At one point I did seriously wonder if I was going to be able to go through with it at all. Self doubt being it’s usual fuckwit self! I cant not express how happy I am at swallowing everything I was feeling and jumping in. Do you know what makes me even happier? I was completely 100% myself. I didn’t shy away, I got involved, I talked to everyone, and they still liked me! For being me. I didn’t have to fake anything, I didn’t have to watch what I said. I could fall asleep on the sunbed while they stacked whatever was around me on my head lol. I have never ever laughed as much as I have them 4 days I have to be honest. And that there was exactly what I needed! So thanks to you lasses, for being absolutely fucking awesome!! And downright fucking crazy too!
The other thing I did, that I genuinely needed to do, was left “me” at home. I left all the responsibilities, worries, stresses at the front door when I got into that taxi. Don’t get me wrong though, I do think I went overboard, probably far too overboard. I had very very little sleep, for over 24 hours the only thing I had had to eat was a snickers, and I partied like I was 23 not 32. I have to say, there is no party like a Blacko’s balcony party!
It did come with it’s downfalls though. My last night I had a wobble. We were in a bar when the horrific story of the MEN bombing was shown on the TV’s. I was tired any way but emotions just tuck over me. I had to leave early and go back and on my way back to the hotel I had a complete breakdown. It was scary and embarrassing but it had to be done, I couldn’t hold Depression back any more. He had picked the lock of his cage and escaped with a massive fucking attitude! I am so glad I could feel it happening. That despite the tiredness and the extreme amount of vodka flowing through my veins, I am becoming more tuned in to myself and how I am dealing with stuff. I managed to leave before I ruined Faye and the lasses night.
Do I acknowledge I went too far with the drinking and lack of sleep, especially considering my issues? – Yep. Do I regret any of it? Not one damn second! These, in my opinion, are the moments that stay with you. Where you learn the most about yourself. When you learn your limits. Would I do it again? There is a massive chance I will. I will be more conscious of how I am feeling though, and I think sleep is a compulsory, at least in some form!
We definitely brought the weather back with us! So the last 2 days has been spent recuperating and enjoying a chance to relax. Tomorrow I shall have to get back on the motivation train and continue with my empire building. I have a lot of plans for the future and I am more determined than ever to succeed in following them all through. The realisation that my Bamburgh 10km for Mind Middlesbrough & Stockton is only 2.5 weeks away made sure I had my tanned arse back in the gym first thing this morning. My new gym gear passed the test, I just nearly passed out but the point was I did it. 30 minute treadmill HIIT and a 15 minute skyscraper climb. As much as I struggled with my breathing I did enjoy every second. Honesty moment – I didn’t do any exercise whilst I was away (shocker I know! lol), apart from swimming and A LOT of questionable dancing! But the feeling I got today, during as well as after, really cemented why I do what I do, why I am doing what I am doing and why I want to be where I want to be.
I have decided that Depression can kiss my fucking arse. He can give me his best shot when he can get out his cage but I am going to live my life. I am going to visit places I have never been as well as those I love. I am going to meet new friends. I am going to have the best time ever with the friends and family I am so lucky to have in my life already. I am going to work so hard to make sure I achieve everything I want. I am going to help as many people as I can. I am going to leave a legacy.
Not a bad bit of contemplation after a crazy arse holiday I must admit! If anything is learnt from the horrible situations that are happening in our world at the moment it is life is far too short. Drink the drink, laugh, have fun, fall in love.
Life isn’t measured by the breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away!