Sat in the garden with my laptop, spouting my usual utter bollocks no doubt, with a jug of my usual black coffee (it’s not 11am so it cant be my usual jug of wine) and the sun streaming down on my back, warming every part of me. Sounds utter bliss, and you know what, today, it really is!
I used to state the usual shit about sleep, “it’s for the weak” “I can sleep when I’m dead” “Sleep is soooo over rated” blah fucking blah. I tell you what, those lines are the biggest pile of cowpat! I apologise to anyone who cant sleep. I myself have quite bad sleeping issues generally, hence me being best mates with 2am, so I do understand completely why people come out with this nonsense. I do to make myself feel better. I am not in any way going to take away the seriousness and the sheer frustration of not being able to close your eyes and sail happily off to the land of Nod. What I will say though, after the best night sleep I can remember having in a very long time, is FUCK ME I NEEDED THAT! Come here Sleep, you sexy bastard, whilst I give you the biggest smacker right on the lips. I feel like a new woman!
For all you out there that don’t have issues generally, or those lucky fucks who can genuinely just shut their mind along with their eyes, I don’t suppose you will understand anything I am writing here, and not just because of my usual chavvy language. For those who like me are seriously sleep deprived on a regular basis, I know you will mostly be sat there nodding along.
My sleep issues go back to being a very young girl. I was the lightest sleeper anyway so any voice, argument etc would wake me instantly. One of earliest memories, before I was 3 year old, was sneaking downstairs and sitting on the bottom step listening to my Mam and Dad argue. As I got older and learnt to read I would disappear nightly into whatever book I was reading (I still have a tendency to do this actually) as you could be in any world you chose off the shelf. Alice in Wonderland was and still to this day is, one of my all time favourite stories. I wouldn’t realise what time it was and would often fall asleep with my book in my hand. The teenage years were spent listening to Alan Robson’s Night Owls on Metro Radio, with the sound turned down so my Mam couldn’t hear and tell me off. Those were the years where I had quite bad and recurring nightmares as a lot was going on in my personal and home life. I would avoid sleep wherever possible and I got that good at it that I think I chased it away completely! Then comes the starting to drink and having boyfriends years, no need to elaborate on them! My Mam reads this after all! By the time I had my daughter I was a pub manager working long shifts and sleep was a distance memory. I became Nap Queen. I could survive off stolen hours here and there. I would surround myself with people whenever possible so I didn’t have to go to bed. I completely and utterly fell out of love with knocking the z’s out and to be honest, apart from being a car crash, a person about to hit the big Red destruction button, I was surviving rather well.
All of this was until I had my little sleep thief Noah. Good job the boy is cute as he didn’t sleep until after he turned 3!! like he slept less than me. It was a tough time. I would lie on his bedroom floor crying my eyes out, willing him to sleep. Begging him. Telling him I would buy him a dinosaur if he only he would STOP CRYING!! That is when my appreciation of the good old full nights sleep started to come back. I was that exhausted that getting to sleep no longer became an issue, I could fall asleep at a click of a finger. I would go to bed at 730/8pm purely so I could maybe get 2-3 hours before he would start his nightly rendition of It’s My Party, I’ll Cry If I Want To. Unfortunately that bedtime is not too different now for me. Partly habit, but partly although Noah now is a lush little sleeper, I’m still not. Falling asleep is still not an issue. Staying asleep is.
This has been going on so long until this morning when the alarm went off and I realised I had slept all night. Like ALL NIGHT. Like 7 hours IN A ROW! I woke up feeling, relaxed, refreshed, lighter, happier. I was ready to start my day instead of getting up and doing it begrudgingly because I know I have to keep busy to keep my state of mind as even as possible. I pretty much always want to run or go the gym. Today I was gagging to get there! I had energy. Genuine energy not caffeine energy. I had a productive morning with a smile on my face before I even had a mouthful of coffee. No usual snarls and evil glares until after my first jug of the black stuff! I feel like I could take on the world today. I am looking forward to enjoying my day properly not having to force myself or fake it. I have actually done my hair and face before 10am and don’t completely hate what I see in the mirror!
Now I sound like I am getting cocky. Trust me, I know this will most probably not last beyond today. Tonight will most probably go back to normal, but what has changed is knowing what a difference sleep makes. I will never not appreciate it ever again! I am not scared of it, bored of it, I will never pretend that I don’t need it. I do. I really do!
I want to believe that I am finally starting to come out the dark tunnel now. I haven’t thought of hurting myself at all for over a week. I am eating again although not massive amounts but regularly. I am starting to enjoy things again. I am always a pretty positive person even in the worst situations, it’s my coping mechanism, but even my usual silver linings look super shiny today. I am embracing it!
On a side note, I do believe the sun helps me HUGE amounts so I am also planning to emigrate lol! All in the name of getting better of course, not just because I look so much better with a tan. Honest!
Hope whoever reads this has a super sexy amazing day! You deserve it!