OK, so Depression is now like a close personal friend. One I cant stand I might add but anyway, we know each other pretty much inside out. We have a strong battle of wills going on and it is anyone’s guess who will win at any given time. I do think I am starting to take the lead and grab the reigns of what feels like a runaway horse drawn carriage that is my life though, more often than not.
However, it seems there has been an unwanted party guest who has completely gate crashed. Welcome…….. Anxiety! Now, Off You Fuck mate. You are as unwelcome as a bad case of genital herpes!
I write this blog today from Kusadasi, Turkey and I feel that some of you reading this will think, what an ungrateful bitch that CC is. I swear I am not. I am so very grateful for every opportunity I am given and the things I can give my children. I work very hard to make sure their childhood is the flipside of what mine was. I ask sincerely, please try and read between the lines when it appears I am whinging, I am just being honest as I swore I would be when I started Red Balloons.
The thing with having mental health issues is, you cant just leave them at home. Just because I am on holiday, in glorious sunshine, beer in hand, in what feels like my home from home, does not mean Depression and now my new acquaintance Anxiety just decide to leave me be for 14 wonderful days. Nope, no Sir. This time they have packed their bags and joined in on the family fun. Bastards!
The lead up to holidays normally has me absolutely doing people’s tits in about 60 days before I go, counting down. I normally have holiday clothes packed and re packed a bout a billion times in the month before I go. Not this time. I feel really bad on my husband and kids as for the majority of the time I have had to fake being excited. I have a horrible habit of catastrophizing things at the moment, my mind gets completely carried away and goes off on a tangent. The feelings I was getting about flying, about being in Manchester airport, about coming to Turkey, a place I absolutely adore, were so exhaustingly scary. I had so many scenarios playing in my head that were completely ridiculous! I got myself into such a state that my run on Monday morning ended in having to walk off yet another panic attack that gripped my so hard I nearly threw up and had chest pains for most of the day. It got me so frustrated that I ended up crying on the plane. I really felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t cope with anything. Yet I had to be as strong as possible so as not to scare or upset Noah who still has trouble understanding things, like why we couldn’t just land the plane when he wanted to get off. This resulted in him having a massive melt down. Thank goodness we were sitting around understanding and patient people!
It is now Wednesday and I feel physically and emotionally fucked! My body hurts yet I need to exercise as it is the one coping technique I have the luxury of being able to bring with me anywhere in the world. Tuesday I did my very first ever holiday workout. I ran 1km (laps of the sitesi) 1 minute plank, 20 press-ups which I am buzzing I am getting better at every time and 20 squats. Plus an absurd amount of walking. Today has had to be calmer as I just don’t have the energy, yet the feeling of success at swimming laps in the pool which I had the absolute luxury of having completely to myself this morning and then an underwater strength workout is really the best kind of medicine you could ask for. I feel more in control of things, although I hurt pretty much everywhere, feeling the sun on my skin and having 30 minutes of complete alone time to listen to my music was so very necessary.
I know I have to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be what I think everyone expects of me. I need to embrace the moods, good and bad and just be honest with my family. I am ok. I am so happy to be here. I cant wait to rub what will be an epic tan in my best friends face in 2 weeks time. Yet sometimes I will look like I am not. Sometimes I will zone out. Sometimes I will be sad for no reason whatsoever. It’s horrible, for me and for those around me, but what I am learning is, this is me. I cant help it but I can do whatever I can in my power to fight it daily. I wont lie, ice cold Efes really does take the edge off!
So, my plan for this holiday is to relax. To take notice of my body and mind while I don’t have the stresses of everyday life. I want to retune myself, to learn about myself, to be able to go home strong and fit. To fit into my bridesmaid dress and feel genuinely happy and confident in myself. To get myself to the place I need to be to start the next big chapter of my life. I know it may take a few days for me to settle in and get over the last week but I will have fun, I will make the most if the precious memories I am making with my family.
So, now I will sign off and chill in the sun with yet another ice cold Efes, my version of the bible – Women’s Health magazine and Bakermat blasting in my ears. I will be planning this weeks workouts and giving myself a stern talking to about avoiding bread – bloat does not make a bikini flattering! The boys are asleep, the daughter has gone to the beach with the FIL. Yet another bit time to myself – bliss!
I do feel better getting this off my mind and onto paper, well screen. The joys of blogging, I don’t know what I would do without it to be honest.
Happy Hump Day