It’s been 11 days since I last posted a blog. How has that happened? I looked back over my last post and I was in such a positive, motivated place. I had the kick arse attitude and I was going places. I felt really fucking good! But the problem with being so caught up in your own mind, on first names terms with that cowbag Depression, means that at any given time, no matter how hard you fight, sometimes you just get caught up in it all.
I have felt a little claustrophobic if I am honest. Like my world was starting to go in on itself. The walls were closing in and I could feel myself getting a little bit crazier every day. It was like a Flubber ball in my chest. I needed a release but nothing, not even my beloved exercise was helping diminish it. It just kept growing, I kept catastrophizing everything, I have always been an over thinker but jeez, my mind was working like it was on a drip of speed! I had even managed to convince myself I was bloody pregnant. I have been sterilised for fucks sake! It is pretty much impossible for it to even happen but in my head of course I was. Everything messes up when things start to go right for me, at least that is how I see things.
Instead of reaching out to the people I know are there to listen, the people who have made me promise to talk to them when I am like that, the worse I felt the more deeper I dug and buried my head. I thought if I could just pretend I was OK I would be. If I wanted to be happy I just had to think happy! WHEN WILL I LEARN?! This doesn’t work for me!!
I have not liked one thing about myself. I have felt fat, ugly, thick, guilty, miserable and a failure. I know I cant use my old coping technique, and I am very proud that I have not succumbed. It is just so damn hard though as I cant get my head round not being able to do something that works. I understand that it is wrong, but why does everything that feels so good have to be wrong? I know its all down to my control issues. I have taken an awful lot on over the last few weeks. I feel like I let go of a few balloons and the thought of going back to work, although I think I am ready to try, was a tipping point. I know that I am more than capable of having it all. What I cant seem to grasp a hold of is that I deserve it too. I keep thinking I am reaching too far. That my fingers will get burnt. How the hell am I meant to help others when I am such a big self sabotage?!
My problem is, well one of them before any cheeky buggar comments 😉 is that I keep thinking I can beat the system. That I am not that bad. I stopped taking my tablets. I had convinced myself I didn’t need them. Big mistake! I am holding my white flag now. I surrender. Not in the way that Depression will win. No Sir! Just that I know I am only human. Yes, I have done so well, I have come on leaps and bounds and I am getting stronger every day. But that is because I was doing as I was told. By professionals. Who know what they are talking about. I do not know better and I have had to learn this at my own cost. I am more angry with myself as I could have set myself back so far. For being strong enough to admit I am failing, even if it is 11 days too late is a big step for me. I hate being wrong, it doesn’t sit well with me, but for the sake of my kids, my family, my friends and most importantly ME, it has be said.
I need to accept, once and for all that this is not just a battle, it’s a war. There are no quick fixes, no tactical manoeuvres that I can make to get over the other side. I have to take each step. I have to learn the relevant lessons. I can’t continue to grow if I don’t. I wouldn’t be able to go on and do the job I really want to do if I am doing myself such a disservice. I need to be the proof that the system works. I need to show that if you are willing to open up you need to be willing to listen to advice. I do not want to be the massive hypocrite that I have been recently. I am not scared of hard work. So why am I procrastinating? Why am I acting like a little bitch? Simple answer – it’s all I have known. It is hard to train and lose weight and change your physical appearance, it’s a lot fucking harder to change the way your brain works!
So today I have slept. I have contemplated. I started to feel a bit sorry for myself. I did the gym and managed a PB (inner thighs of steel me!) but basically I have procrastinated. Then I gave myself a mental slap. Pity is not something I feel for myself nor should I. I CAN do this, I WILL do this. I just need to admit when I need a little bit extra help. I know its nothing to be ashamed of. I bloody campaign to remove stigma over it all yet I do it to myself. Madness!
Getting the email that I have passed my first unit of my Mental Health Awareness course has given me that chink of light back. See CC, you can do it! Tomorrow I am going to get back to being out the house all day. I will do my work in the library or wherever. I always get distracted at home and I need to form a routine again, especially being back at work. Yes I have a lot to do, yes I have taken a lot on but greatness and world domination does not come to those sat on their arses waiting. It might be stressful at times but great things come to those that get out and work for it. So that is what I am going to do. Because let’s face it, I am a pretty fucked up version of great as it is 😀
I love blogging! I will not leave it so long again!