Today, although I am generally pretty ok in myself, I feel like I need to give my head a wobble and probably need to give myself a brief but effective slap on the mush. I am feeling so pathetic and needy and to be honest, if people are not half as fed up with the shite that comes out my gob, or through my fingers to be more accurate on social media, as I am with what goes on in my head, well you are more patient and understanding than I am!
At the moment I feel like I talk a good talk, and lets face it, I can talk! But when it comes to walking the walk, I feel like a genuine phoney. I feel like I am proper winging it and hoping no one realises that really I am not meant to be here. I should be sat in my chair at work, keeping out of trouble, not complaining about feeling shit and miserable, no thoughts of grandeur or ideas above my station. I should be going about my everyday life as I always have done, not thinking I am someone special who is going to change the world one day. Who the hell do I think I am? Come on CC, please, get a grip!
I have all these ambitions, aspirations and ideas. All these things I want to do and achieve, all these things I want to see and places I want to visit. Yet, here I am, having just got dressed and brushed my hair a whole 3 hours AFTER I actually got out the bath because I just couldn’t be arsed to move. Yes, I have sorted the kids this morning, well Noah as Bailey is self sufficient, and when I say sorted I mean I got him dressed and took him to his childminders. Yes, I went to the gym and OK, yeah, my workout was good and I did push myself as I had a rest day yesterday, but since I got home, fuck all. That’s what I have done, sweet FA! I would love to say that yeah at least I feel better for it, sometimes I need to do this, blah blah blah, but no. No I don’t. I was just being completely and utterly lazy!
I feel all disconnected with myself again, I feel like sections of me are not on the same level as others and it is making me feel very mixed up. Yes I truly do want all these things I am aiming for, but no, I cant be arsed to do anything about it today. I should. I want to even, but I just don’t have the energy or motivation. My own fault as I know if I stop for those 5 minutes too long I go on the wrong side of myself and that is exactly what I have done. Talked myself into thinking that these extra 5 minutes are OK, when I know for a fact they are not.
I am fed up of being at war with myself now. Why wont the miserable pessimistic bitch side of me pipe the fuck down for a while and just let me enjoy what I am doing and what I have achieved so far? Why does she feel the need to get the Self Doubt train chugging in at every station so I cant even think about what I have done but instead thinking about what I surely cant possibly do? I KNOW I can do this 10k no problem, I know I will love it and enjoy it and feel mega proud of myself! Why am I seriously starting to believe otherwise? Why am I letting one unfortunate event, one which I managed to walk myself out of and get myself back in control I might add, knock my confidence so far down? Why is running not working for me at the moment? Exercise is, but not running. Please Depression, I am begging on my knees here, do not take away the one true thing that has saved me this year. Do not do this to me. Do not bring your best bud Anxiety to the table. She is not welcome! I am a decent person who is working hard, please just Off You Fuck!!
The event in question isn’t a massive one by anyone’s standards but to me it really did knock me. I was on my second outside run since I got back off my holidays (I have been gyming it but not running apart from HIIT) and everything was going OK. I had found the day before difficult but that was to be expected, especially as I haven’t been outside for a while. I wanted to enjoy this one, go that little bit further, it is actually quite surprising how much your levels can dwindle even after a relatively small amount of time away from “training”. To begin with I was, my mind was starting to clear, my body wasn’t feeling so tight, but then for some reason I seemed to fall out of pace and I found I couldn’t catch my breath properly. My standard pace is quite quick so it seems and I am trying to slow things down a tad in order to be able to train more efficiently for my Half Marathon in October (which seems impossible right now!) so I dropped back a bit, yet I still couldn’t catch my breath. I started to panic! Now I know no one likes not being able to breath but I have quite a fear of it. I struggle to swim more than what would be required to save myself, I cant have things over my face, even for a brief moment, if I am in very confined spaces, especially with no windows I start to get edgy. So when I couldn’t catch my breath, for seemingly no reason, it scared the shit out of me! My chest started to tighten, my breath was shallow, I started to get light headed and tingly. I knew what was happening as I have had one before – I was starting to have a panic attack. Luckily I knew the signs, I was able to drop back to a slow walk, I steadied my walking pace and this helped steady my breathing. I started counting as I was inhaling and exhaling, managing longer each time until I could feel the tightness in my chest dwindle. I started to think more clear again and I managed to finish my distance. It sure as hell knocked me for 6 though. It was so unexpected and unexplainable.
This caused me a night of worry, of over thinking, of over analysing. A night of telling myself I was shit. Who did I think I was planning all these events when I couldn’t even run a 5km? I had to get up and go out the next morning straight away as I knew right there, right then that if I didn’t get out and prove to myself it was just a bad day, I would not get back out for a very long time, if ever again. So I got out and I did. I struggled a bit to begin with but I powered through. It wasn’t my longest, it wasn’t my fastest but I did what I needed to do. Then on Saturday I did it again, after a day of drinking for my cousins wedding. If I can do that after that then what the hell am I so worried about?
I need the positive, ambitious side of CC to prevail. I need her to fight, not back down to the sarcastic, dominant, over bearing side who has let mental ill health beat her. The reason I do these blogs is for personal gain. Writing all this shit down makes me see what I am doing, where I am going wrong. It helps bring a bit more clarity to the situation and gauge where I am. I can see which bits of me I need to work on, which bits I need to tone down, which bits of me are seeming to be dropping back into the shadows. It is all well and good getting compliments, praise, words of support – I love it and appreciate it all sooo much more than anyone can imagine. But I need to stop being such a whingey, needy bitch and actually start to believe what people are telling me! I don’t say things I don’t mean, I don’t give false praise, empty words of support or compliments I don’t mean so why do I think anyone else would? Seriously CC, get a grip!
I CAN AND I WILL, WATCH ME!
Those words are to me, myself and I!
Thank you to those that believe in me, have never ending patience with me when I know all you want to do is give me a shake and tell me to shut the fuck up! Thanks to those that support me, offer me words of encouragement and to those that love me. Just for being me. Even when Me is an absolute nightmare!
I love you all so much