Crashed and Burned

You know where you get one of those days where you feel like you have hit a wall? Well, I’ll be honest with you, I feel like I have flipped my car, rolled it a few times, it’s smashed into a wall and ended up going up in a giant fireball. Exaggeration? Maybe a tad but hopefully you will get the jist.

In my continuous efforts to get better I have been constantly busy, taking on more and more things, trying to prove to myself that I can do it all. That I am Wonder Woman. I pretty much haven’t stopped properly since March. I want to be a working, wife and mother who sees hers friends regularly, studies for several different qualifications, volunteers for MIND and also has time to exercise daily, train for a half marathon, see her counsellor, eat and sleep. Oh and TRY to do some sort of housework. OK, I am tired just reading that back! I am in no way admitting defeat and I know I am a canny version of Wonder Woman in my own way but something has to give, or to be honest, something has given.

I am so run down right now. All I want to do is sleep. My head is constantly banging, although that could also be down to the new tablets I am on, my throat feels massive and like it is coated in razor blades, I have a cold sore I feel I could name and all I want to do is sit and stare in to space. My get up and go has got up and fucked right off. Ideal timing. NOT! The worst part is, it is effecting my ability to get excited or feel happy about the good things I have going on in my life. I go on holiday in a week and a half and I have barely sorted a thing out. Those that know me know I normally pack a month before but not this time. I simply cant be arsed. I got accepted for my access to university course yesterday and apart from a brief period of excitement, it died down pretty quickly and the normal numb feeling is back. It’s like it is just too much energy to even give a shit. Although I do give a shit, very much so! To sound far too much like this years bunch of Love Island wannabe’s, on paper everything I want is starting to fall slowly in to place yet you would think everything was going to shit. What a bloody palaver!

My biggest fear and to be honest the thing I really think is dragging me down is the fact there is just no way I am going to get my PT qualifications finished in time. Not a chance. I still have so much to do and about zero time to do it. Now, I could look at this in three ways;

1- feel like an absolute failure. I have fucked up royally, I have just piled and piled shit on top of myself and the one thing I had in hand has got swiped to the way side. Fuck it, what’s the point? Lets feel sorry for myself.

2 – admit I haven’t got what I need to complete it right now BUT look at what I have and am still achieving with everything I have had going on in the last 4 month. I may not pass this time but that does not mean I wont. It just means it is going to be longer than I anticipated

3 – I could absolutely destroy myself for the next 10 days in order to complete as much as possible. I run the risk of massively knocking myself and I may not be much use to a anyone but once at least I can say I tried my hardest and I have a holiday to fall back on after.

Now I know for sure 1 is not an option! This is something that I want so very much. I know for sure that fitness and exercise is where I want to be until I am no longer able to work. It’s not just a hobby, it’s a passion, a love, a desire. I know a lot of what has knocked me has been confidence in how I appear and my inner demons being a pack of bitches – you’re too fat, you’re too ugly, you’re unfit, you’re too old, etc etc etc. I have to hold my hands up and admit that these stupid fucking thoughts have put me in a position where I could actually fail………THIS TIME!

Yeah the chance of failure is actually higher than my chance of completing and I have to face facts. I hate losing! I just have to keep in mind that it wont be forever. I have at least 4 years in education, hopefully, to go through now, I will be applying for uni’s in October this year (what a crazy thought) so I surely cant beat myself up too much. One massive hurdle will not deter me from building my empire. I refuse to let it. What I need to do is look at it as an extra year to make sure I do it all completely and to the absolute best of my abilities. Now, I am not completely writing myself off yet, I will reach out to my tutor and do what I can to try and turn this around, but what I need to do is be realistic. I have struggled for too long in silence and this is the outcome. I just need to brush myself off and start again. I am still a damn sight further on with a hell of a lot more knowledge than I had 6 month ago.

I have to keep in my mind that I have been fighting one hell of a personal battle that has the majority of the time made my mind a massive pile of mush. It is not from lack of trying but when you cant even concentrate enough to read a book, I think it has been very ambitious of me to attempt to keep doing what I have been trying to do when I can barely remember my own name some days. My biggest regret, not reaching out to my course provider back in March. Why did I think I could do it all? I thought it would be a welcome distraction. Funny how things work out. Well I say funny, I am certainly not laughing.

I think the biggest thing I am feeling is I have made such a massive song and dance about it. I feel like I will be a laughing stock and I hate that feeling. That’s the thing with taking bricks down and learning to feel again, things that you normally wouldn’t have given two shits about actually kind of hurt. I feel like I have let those that believed in me down. I feel worse as I have let me down.

BUT it’s not over until it’s over and I refuse to let it be over. Like I say, this is a blip. An understandable blip. I am not giving up, I am just admitting that it may not be possible in the time I originally imagined. Writing all this down is already starting to help me breathe a bit easier. I hadn’t realised how much it was crushing me. Honesty really is the best policy! Whilst the official qualifications might be delayed it doesn’t mean that building my body to match my career has to be delayed. My fitness levels will continue to improve, my confidence will grow, I will get my depression well and truly under control and I can start building my business in the background whilst I put myself forward in the mental health awareness aspect and get as much experience under my belt. I have reached out at work and been honest about why I have been off to the wider company not just my office. This seems to have unlocked a couple of doors in which I fully intend to open and explore.

So, plan of action for CC – do what I can! Nothing is impossible, it just might take a little longer than expected. I will celebrate what I do achieve and keep trying at those that I  have missed the mark on this time.

I will believe in myself and I WILL get there

CC xx

 

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