I bet even Wonder Woman has a “To DO” list!

So much for me not neglecting my beloved blog, but yet again a little thing called life got in the way. To be fair though, that little life of mine has become a whole lot bigger in a very short space of time!

My last blog touched on what I was going to be doing, now I am 2 weeks in the midst and ultimately, it is equal amounts of awesomeness and what the fuck am I doing to myself! I cant lie, not having my Depression completely under control yet is a big worry. Although I have had more good days than bad, it is always lurking in the background, like an annoying person who reads over your shoulder. To be honest the bad days haven’t been bad days as such, more bad episodes. So in that way I am counting myself incredibly lucky. Saying that, as I am having to schedule in breathing I suppose my brain hasn’t had much of a chance to have it’s wicked way with me!

College  – I LOVE IT! The course is so much more than I expected and I am only a week in, having missed a week to go away. It is everything I am interested in, the subjects are so involved and informative that I forget that it is a night and I would normally be tucked up in bed before the classes have even finished! I am soooo rock ‘n’ roll aren’t I? :’) Part of me wishes I had known back when I was younger what I wanted to do and had discovered this path. What I have realised though is, although I do worry age could be a negative, I have what I didn’t have all those years ago. Genuine life experience, and fuck has it been an experience to date! As well as knowledge and passion and a clear cut route of where I want to end up; with the added extra of knowing where to look to find out the best path to take. Yes it’s going to be a tough journey. I know I will laugh, cry, throw things (hide the Yankee Candles), feel amazing, feel like a failure and no doubt want to give up every other day, but I do know, deep deep, deep down that I more than have the ability to do this. I do have a brain, a pretty decent one at that. It just hasn’t had to be used for a long time. It needs its cobwebs blasting off, it needs a nudge awake, or a sledgehammer if that would be more beneficial. Actually, do you know what will make the biggest difference, believing in my potential. The reason I struggled with my PT work, apart from the lack of concentration and Depression stoving my head in at the critical time, is I didn’t honestly believe in myself. I was kidding myself at the time. I wanted it so bad in one way, in a massive way, but I just didn’t think anyone would take me seriously. It’s different to be the person living and breathing the gym and exercise and preaching it’s amazingness. It’s completely the other to have people actually wanting to use you and follow what you say and trust you can get them the results they need. It was hard for me to trust I have the ability to do it myself!

See, self doubt is never far from the front of my mind. Luckily, my passion and determination has won this time and I have secured extended time to complete. Yes, it adds yet more to my ever maddening work load, but in a few years time when I am doing what I love and reaping the benefits, I will look back on this time and be proud that it was another hard step in my life that helped build my character and become the strong, independent woman I will be. It also helps with the motivation to get the body I want. Yes, currently, and yes I sound like a broken record, I have let my own personal standards slip. My eating has fallen off, my exercise, well it is regular, it cant not be as I am training for my half marathon but I KNOW I can do better, push harder. To be honest I am seriously debating getting a PT for myself. One so they can push me, advise me and really open my potential, two as I can pick their brains, watch them work, live their methods. Nothing better than on the job experience in my opinion.

Anyway, I digress, as I do when I yabber on about something I love so much. Mind mapping my thoughts yesterday made me truly realise just what I have going on. There is a lot of guilt at the moment that there are parts of my life I feel I am letting down. My friends and my volunteer work with MIND being top of the list. However, the thing that works with me is getting it all out of my head and on to paper. This way I can see the crap that is swirling around in my head, I can take it and I can mould it into some sort of a plan. I love lists. I list about lists about lists, but to me, this visual helps calm the chaos in my head. I can see that yes there is a lot but it can all be achieved. As long as I prioritise and most importantly, as long as I keep an eye on myself. I know all too well how easy it is for me to lose control by needing to be in control. By keeping so busy I run myself round the pole until I end up choking. I think I am pretty confident at spotting my signs now, but if not, I am even more confident there are people in my life who can spot it for me. Who wont be scared to tell me to calm down. Who will quite happily take me away from something to help me see the bigger picture. Those who will simply give me a hug when I need it, some encouraging words or even just to make me laugh so much I nearly piss my pants. Yes, Faye, I am looking at you lol. Need a new autocorrect mishap actually!

I am doing incredibly well not being on my AD’s and I have no intention whatsoever at going back on them. I am currently doing my research into more natural sources although I am doing well managing it with exercise and keeping busy. I do realise I am starting to close up slightly, I think I knew that would happen as soon as I realised it was the end for me and my counsellors beautiful relationship. This is why I MUST keep up with this blog, even if I just do it weekly. Yes, I love that people take the time to read it and I would love it to spread further and help as many people as possible, but mostly I love the way the sounds of the keys clacking help soothe me, the way the words tumble out my fingers, even if they make no sense, it means there is a new bit space in my head. I know my spelling is sometimes out and grammar, well I must drive the grammar police frigging mental but what it means to me is, it is me. Raw, uncut, uncensored (literally). That is the best form of therapy for me, as often I am being whoever anyone else wants me to be. Here I am just CC, in all her disgraceful, bullshit, verbal diarrhoea glory!

Like the tag line says, even Wonder Woman must have a TO DO list and I bet it’s epic. Although hers is probably headed with save the world or some sort of shit so she wins in the importance stakes. Sometimes it helps to realise that even superheroes struggle, I bet they bash their head off a steering wheel in frustration and struggle to get out of bed some days. I bet Wonder Woman looks and sees flaws in her perfect figure, Batman feels too fat for his suit some days, Superman cant be arsed to fly at times and Hulk, well sometimes I bet he just wants to smash shit up to make himself feel better. We are all frigging awesome people, with amazing potential. We don’t need a cape, although lets face it, I’d look pretty fucking cool in one, what we do need is time, self love, support and awareness. What we definitely need is the ability to realise that we cant always be super and we do need help.

Ahhhhhhh, that feels better! Until next week 😀

Love

CCxx

 

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Black Dog days are over………for now!

Before I start with what is really on my mind, let me just be clear. I know I am so far from the lass I was in March, so very far from the lass I was a year ago. I know what I have achieved and I know what I have to work for. I know pretty much who I have in my life now, I know who I have lost. I know who I can trust, I know who genuinely cares and I know the one’s that will use me and those that drain my energy. I know who I can embrace and those that I need to keep at arms length for my own sake. I know how lucky I am, I could be in a hell of a lot worse of a situation. There are people out there, some who I class as close to me, who have much bigger problems, who have suffered so much more pain, heartbreak and suffering. I am learning that when it comes to personal circumstances or the way that your mind decides to work, there are no comparisons. There can’t be. It’s the luxury and impressiveness of the human race – we are each completely individual, no two people are ever the same.

I’m not sure why, I haven’t quite put my finger on it, maybe it is the lack of routine in the long school holidays and the sheer overwhelming realisation of what I have coming up, but I have not been in a good place. This last week has been hard! One of the hardest since the beginning of this mental health journey I found myself on. In fact, if I am brutally honest with myself it started back in July but for the purposes of this blog we will focus on the last week. When to be honest, all I wanted to do was crawl back in my dark hole. The thing with my hole is I feel, safe, in there. It’s a lot quieter, people can’t get to me so their actions and words don’t affect me on a personal level, more on the level of a curious spectator. In my hole I know where I stand, I can close myself off, I embrace the darkness, the simplicity of it all, the way I can bury my feelings way down deep and refuse to acknowledge them. Those are the benefits of my hole.

For every positive list, there comes a negative list. Now that I can see a slight chink of light again on my horizon, after a week of the darkest storm clouds, I can see more clearly what these negatives would be. The main one – loneliness. It is so damn lonely being stuck in your head as it is, I know that if I had climbed back in that hole, the loneliness would have consumed me. The silence that I craved so badly would actually be deafening. The lack of love for myself would start to leave scars. The motivation and determination to beat this and better myself would dwindle like the flame on a candle that is about to burn out. I was so close. So close to giving up. Accepting that this is the life I am destined to live. Constant battles. Constant feelings of misery. Constant regrets. Constant what if’s.

Today though, no. I refuse to let this happen. First and foremost, to those people that know how low I have been, thank you for not letting me retreat. Thank you for hugging me. Thank you for not letting my stubbornness push you away. Thank you for accepting and even understanding why I am like this even when I haven’t really been able to explain. Thank you for listening. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for filling in my hole (oh er 😉 ) so I had no choice but to stay above ground. You could see that there were better times ahead, you believed I would see it too and you kept me going. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I have woke up and all is fine and dandy, but it is a damn sight better than yesterday, and the day before and the day before that.

I feel like I have neglected my blog. I stopped doing the things that I know have the ability to help me. I just had no interest. No words to speak. I had feelings, a whole lot of feelings, but none I wanted to give the power to consume me. The thing with my blog is I literally just type whatever comes into my mind at the given moment, and when people hurt me I have an awful way of lashing out. Had I wrote things down, they would have been forever said, whether I published the blog or not and I am not willing to do that. I am not that person anymore. I don’t want to hurt people to protect myself. I don’t want to be full of negativity and I certainly don’t want to be full of self pity and oh woah is me. I am a damn sight stronger than that!

This blog, although I want it to be about fitness too, is very much a mental health blog now. It always has been. When I read back over them I can see my highs and my lows. It is actually quite therapeutic reading it back. Fascinating to see how my mind was working at that point in time. What was hurting me or bothering me or making me happy. One thing I like to see is my passion. My goals. My challenges. Yes, I have certainly failed at a few but you know what, I think that has just made me more determined to set more and to make damn sure I pass them. The thing that was different at the beginning was I was so determined not to let my mate Depression win, I pushed myself hard. I had steel like motivation. I think as I started accepting what was wrong, that in all intent and purpose I was ill, I started getting complacent. Depression saw a chink in my armour and started to work it’s way in. It had me starting to believe it was ok to give in. That I was doing too much. But I wasn’t. I can do it all, I can have it all and you know what, I’m going to!

1 week today and it is the start of a whole new life for me. I start college with the main aim to pass with the credits I need to go on to university to study Psychology. My eventual aim is to be an Exercise Psychologist and to run my own business. This empire I speak of is back on the burner now. Around studying I am determined to work until they make me redundant, raise my kids, look after my house, build my peer support group, volunteer for Mind and still find time to reach my own personal fitness and weight loss goals. Oh and have fun! Sounds busy, sounds a little bit impossible maybe, not enough hours in the day? Well I am well aware it is not going to be easy. In fact I am even more aware that sometimes I will be ready to give up. That I will believe I cant do it, my brain doesn’t work, etc. My biggest motivational quote at the moment;

“FAIL TO PREPARE, PREPARE TO FAIL”

So prep is key, being nice to myself is even more important. Asking for help is crucial. As independent as I am and as much as I don’t NEED anyone, I have to be honest and realise that it is ok to try and make things easier for yourself if you have people willing to help and support you. Tomorrow I can start to build a routine back, ready to start next week strong and focused. It’s a big week! My baby boy also starts primary school! I could not be more proud of my children and I want them to be proud of me. I want them to see me fight all the hard stuff and come out better and stronger than ever. They deserve the kick arse Wonder Woman Mam that I know I can be. Just need the costume now!

So today, now the light is starting to shine through, I can see the flowers blooming. It is going to be a day of genuine smiles. Of preparing and planning. Of dancing like a divvy to the music I love. Of big cuddles and laughter with my gorgeous boy. Of chatting to friends and just appreciating what I have in my life. The clouds can always come back, but there will ALWAYS be sunshine behind them. The hole is filled, I have put a lid on it. There is no going back!

CC xx

 

 

Eating is cheating! Self hate is not so great!

The thing with studying mental health when you suffer with mental health issues is you often come across yourself. You see yourself in a textbook way and it can be quite surreal. Seeing all the things that make you, you, written down so matter of fact. It can create a whole lot of thinking and wondering, if it was this “obvious” how have I gotten this far without professional help. Did people notice and reach out and I just chose not to see it? I am that good an actress? Should I apply for film roles? Ok, I’m going off topic there but hopefully you see my point.

The other thing is it can also highlight things you have tried to ignore, avoid or maybe haven’t even noticed. For me, it was something I do know about myself, I have skirted around the issue a few times maybe but mainly I try to avoid it and it has never been officially diagnosed as I have never made a declaration to anyone professional.

Basically, it is becoming abundantly clear that I suffer from an eating disorder albeit one I am kind of managing myself but as for whether I am doing it the correct way is anyone’s guess. The way I am currently feeling and the things I am doing tells me, most probably not!

I think what has thrown me all these years is I don’t LOOK like I am suffering, I don’t look like I struggle with food apart from not being able to stop scoffing my face. Sorry, negative comment, my counsellor would be very unimpressed with me! No, what I mean is, let’s be honest, when you think of someone with an eating disorder you think – skinny, emaciated, starvation, over exercise (way beyond the levels of what I did), secretive, bones jutting out all over the place, etc. Now, this is not me, not at all. I have a healthy to occasionally overweight BMI, I certainly don’t look like I starve myself, I can be secretive in ways I suppose but basically I look “normal”. I have a massive muffin top, flabby bits and the rest.

The reason I am doing this is, is enough is enough. I need to put this into words, I need to admit I am massively struggling as things are starting to get out of control, my thoughts are getting carried away in a very negative direction and if I don’t stop this train of destruction it will wipe out everything I have tried so hard to build up this year. I cant keep hiding and saying no that’s not me, I am just a typical lass. No, that’s not me, I have stopped making myself sick. No, that’s not me, I am just trying to look my best. Guess what CC, it is you, whether you like it or not! Now is where it stops, now is where you admit you need help and you get it! So here goes, I am Claire and although officially undiagnosed professionally as of yet, I suffer from Bulimia.

Do you know what, I feel absolutely pathetic saying that. I feel like I should go back and delete that last sentence because I am being daft. I feel like I am being overly dramatic and a bit of a hypochondriac but at the same time, the feelings of shame, disgust, fear and genuine deep sadness tell me that I am kidding myself if I go and delete this blog. It would go against my new mantra of always being honest. It would be another aspect of my life I am hiding and I know now that hiding things makes them grow into things that can cause me to lose control, big style. Last time I kept things hidden they grew so much, they became so utterly overwhelming that I was seconds away from making the biggest mistake of my life.

OK, so here goes. How I feel. What I do. As open and as honest as I can be. I do apologise as some of my thoughts can often get quite dark so if you are wary of potential triggers maybe this isn’t the blog for you.

Every lass has issues with themselves, even the most confident. Every lass has days where they feel fat, where they feel bloated, where they feel spotty, greasy, scruffy etc, mostly at certain times of the month. Every lass has outfits that they feel make them look less than their best, have areas of their body that they hide wherever possible. Me? I feel these things every day but sometimes on a much larger scale. For those who follow my Instagram, you must be thinking, what a pile of crap, you’re always posting gym pics, transformation pics, selfies, etc. Yes, very true, I do. I also realise I have made some good progress in the weight loss/fitness side of things. But do you know what? When I look in the mirror I don’t see any of those things. I hate myself. All I see is wobbly, jiggly, fat, disgustingness. I have one angle that I take photo’s in, it is the same pose in EVERY single full length photo as it is the one I have got down to a T where I can just about hide the bits I hate. Plain and simple, I make myself feel sick and not in a million years can I see what people see in me. I understand why I have an issue with accepting compliments, I simply do not believe them! I constantly feel bloated, I feel ugly. I feel shame that I have let myself go again when I got myself to a decent point where  my levels of self hate were kind of in line with pride at all my hard work.

I am in a constant battle of trying to starve myself then giving in and thinking what’s the point so going on a binge. Where I used to be able counter act this with throwing all the binge food up, now I am stuck in a new hell where I cant do this as I made a promise to my family. Now I am stuck in a constant continuous loop of internal arguing with myself. I feel shit, I think what’s the point so I eat. Then I have a rant at myself for giving in and being so weak. I feel disgusting and shameful. This then sends me into a pit of despair that makes me want to eat again. When I threw up I used to stop this argument in its tracks. I would feel a massive release and for a while feel, well good. Like I had won something. I had the best of both worlds. I got to stuff my face but then get rid of it. If throwing up wasn’t working and I was still bloated I would pop laxatives like they were tic tacs. That always got rid of the bloated feeling. The stomach pains were often crucifying but the end result was worth the pain. No pain, no gain right?

The ironic things, that does not escape me, is when I was doing this I was actually over a stone heavier than I am now and about 8 inches wider round the gut. I know how well I have done. I know I have worked hard to get where I am now but I just don’t see it and I no longer feel it. I can feel myself falling back in to my hole and going right back to where I was. I keep looking at old photos when I was at my biggest in the hopes that it will give me that old feeling of the switch clicking but so far it has not worked. I honestly, right now, just want to give in. I do not feel strong enough to fight myself anymore when I am fighting so many other internal battles. Yet, this one is the one that if I can get back to that place that made me believe I could be a Personal Trainer, it will make me stronger and more able to fight the other battles. What a mess!!

I am beginning to get obsessed again. The thoughts are taking over my days and are never far away even when I am trying to focus on something else. If I can see my reflection I think things about myself I would never ever want to think that anyone says or thinks about someone else. When I sit down I feel like I can feel my stomach rolling onto my legs. Sometimes I get so fixated I wish I could take a knife and cut it off. Luckily self harm has never been an issue for me as to be frank I am too much of a wimp. Never thought that would be a good thing! Instead of focusing on the parts of my body I don’t mind, all I can see are the parts I hate, all I think others can see are these exact same parts. I feel like people tell me what they think I want to hear but behind my back are laughing at me.

I don’t want to hate myself anymore. I want my pride back. Hate is such an exhausting emotion. I keep thinking it’s all my fault for having that first rest day when I was on such a good streak. I keep blaming myself for giving up that day and that is why I have put a bit of weight back on, why the parts that were firmer and thinner have now become lumpy again. Why I feel so demotivated and like I am “playing” at fitness being a complete fake. I am writing everything down I eat, every bit of exercise I do. I am not just calorie counting, I am fat, carb and protein counting. I am fixated on how many calories I burn. I measure myself every other day. I weigh myself daily. I obsess over other peoples photos wishing that was me, reading their stories and feeling inferior and no where as good as them. I feel like I am stuck in a loop. Please, someone, grab my hand and pull me out before I corkscrew myself into the ground!

The future of my empire feels like it is hanging in the balance. I cant lose this. This is my life. My reason for moving forward. My gift to my children. I need to get out of this self hate, self pity, shame spiral. I need to create my peer support group. I need to help others. I need to listen to what I tell others! I would never let anyone talk to me and degrade me the way I degrade myself. I am 5 days away from seeing my counsellor and at the moment that feels a million years away. All I want to do is cry and hide away from the world, but I wont. I need to stand in front of that dreaded mirror and have a good, hard look at myself. I need to re read this blog. I need to go back and look over my journey and see if I can see where things went wrong.

I wish there was one of them pens that they use in Men in Black that could erase my mind and help me start again, but unfortunately there isn’t. It is all down to me. I need to re train my brain before something that is so simple could completely destroy my life. I need to be strong. Can I do this?………Time will tell.

 

CC xx

Time to reset 

OK, so Depression is now like a close personal friend. One I cant stand I might add but anyway, we know each other pretty much inside out. We have a strong battle of wills going on and it is anyone’s guess who will win at any given time. I do think I am starting to take the lead and grab the reigns of what feels like a runaway horse drawn carriage that is my life though, more often than not.

However, it seems there has been an unwanted party guest who has completely gate crashed. Welcome…….. Anxiety! Now, Off You Fuck mate. You are as unwelcome as a bad case of genital herpes!

I write this blog today from Kusadasi, Turkey and I feel that some of you reading this will think, what an ungrateful bitch that CC is. I swear I am not. I am so very grateful for every opportunity I am given and the things I can give my children. I work very hard to make sure their childhood is the flipside of what mine was. I ask sincerely,  please try and read between the lines when it appears I am whinging, I am just being honest as I swore I would be when I started Red Balloons.

The thing with having mental health issues is, you cant just leave them at home. Just because I am on holiday, in glorious sunshine, beer in hand, in what feels like my home from home, does not mean Depression and now my new acquaintance Anxiety just decide to leave me be for 14 wonderful days. Nope, no Sir. This time they have packed their bags and joined in on the family fun. Bastards!

The lead up to holidays normally has me absolutely doing people’s tits in about 60 days before I go, counting down. I normally have holiday clothes packed and re packed a bout a billion times in the month before I go. Not this time. I feel really bad on my husband and kids as for the majority of the time I have had to fake being excited. I have a horrible habit of catastrophizing things at the moment, my mind gets completely carried away and goes off on a tangent. The feelings I was getting about flying, about being in Manchester airport, about coming to Turkey, a place I absolutely adore, were so exhaustingly scary. I had so many scenarios playing in my head that were completely ridiculous! I got myself into such a state that my run on Monday morning ended in having to walk off yet another panic attack that gripped my so hard I nearly threw up and had chest pains for most of the day. It got me so frustrated that I ended up crying on the plane. I really felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t cope with anything. Yet I had to be as strong as possible so as not to scare or upset Noah who still has trouble understanding things, like why we couldn’t just land the plane when he wanted to get off. This resulted in him having a massive melt down. Thank  goodness we were sitting around understanding and patient people!

It is now Wednesday and I feel physically and emotionally fucked! My body hurts yet I need to exercise as it is the one coping technique I have the luxury of being able to bring with me anywhere in the world. Tuesday I did my very first ever holiday workout. I ran 1km (laps of the sitesi) 1 minute plank, 20 press-ups which I am buzzing I am getting better at every time and 20 squats. Plus an absurd amount of walking. Today has had to be calmer as I just don’t have the energy, yet the feeling of success at swimming laps in the pool which I had the absolute luxury of having completely to myself this morning and then an underwater strength workout is really the best kind of medicine you could ask for. I feel more in control of things, although I hurt pretty much everywhere, feeling the sun on my skin and having 30 minutes of complete alone time to listen to my music was so very necessary.

I know I have to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be what I think everyone expects of me. I need to embrace the moods, good and bad and just be honest with my family. I am ok. I am so happy to be here. I cant wait to rub what will be an epic tan in my best friends face in 2 weeks time. Yet sometimes I will look like I am not. Sometimes I will zone out. Sometimes I will be sad for no reason whatsoever. It’s horrible, for me and for those around me, but what I am learning is, this is me. I cant help it but I can do whatever I can in my power to fight it daily. I wont lie, ice cold Efes really does take the edge off!

So, my plan for this holiday is to relax. To take notice of my body and mind while I don’t have the stresses of everyday life. I want to retune myself, to learn about myself, to be able to go home strong and fit. To fit into my bridesmaid dress and feel genuinely happy and confident in myself. To get myself to the place I need to be to start the next big chapter of  my life. I know it may take a few days for me to settle in and get over the last week but I will have fun, I will make the most if the precious memories I am making with my family.

So, now I will sign off and chill in the sun with yet another ice cold Efes, my version of the bible – Women’s Health magazine and Bakermat blasting in my ears. I will be planning this weeks workouts and giving myself a stern talking to about avoiding bread – bloat does not make a bikini flattering! The boys are asleep, the daughter has gone to the beach with the FIL. Yet another bit time to myself – bliss!

I do feel better getting this off my mind and onto paper, well screen. The joys of blogging, I don’t know what I would do without it to be honest.

Happy Hump Day

CC xx

 

Crashed and Burned

You know where you get one of those days where you feel like you have hit a wall? Well, I’ll be honest with you, I feel like I have flipped my car, rolled it a few times, it’s smashed into a wall and ended up going up in a giant fireball. Exaggeration? Maybe a tad but hopefully you will get the jist.

In my continuous efforts to get better I have been constantly busy, taking on more and more things, trying to prove to myself that I can do it all. That I am Wonder Woman. I pretty much haven’t stopped properly since March. I want to be a working, wife and mother who sees hers friends regularly, studies for several different qualifications, volunteers for MIND and also has time to exercise daily, train for a half marathon, see her counsellor, eat and sleep. Oh and TRY to do some sort of housework. OK, I am tired just reading that back! I am in no way admitting defeat and I know I am a canny version of Wonder Woman in my own way but something has to give, or to be honest, something has given.

I am so run down right now. All I want to do is sleep. My head is constantly banging, although that could also be down to the new tablets I am on, my throat feels massive and like it is coated in razor blades, I have a cold sore I feel I could name and all I want to do is sit and stare in to space. My get up and go has got up and fucked right off. Ideal timing. NOT! The worst part is, it is effecting my ability to get excited or feel happy about the good things I have going on in my life. I go on holiday in a week and a half and I have barely sorted a thing out. Those that know me know I normally pack a month before but not this time. I simply cant be arsed. I got accepted for my access to university course yesterday and apart from a brief period of excitement, it died down pretty quickly and the normal numb feeling is back. It’s like it is just too much energy to even give a shit. Although I do give a shit, very much so! To sound far too much like this years bunch of Love Island wannabe’s, on paper everything I want is starting to fall slowly in to place yet you would think everything was going to shit. What a bloody palaver!

My biggest fear and to be honest the thing I really think is dragging me down is the fact there is just no way I am going to get my PT qualifications finished in time. Not a chance. I still have so much to do and about zero time to do it. Now, I could look at this in three ways;

1- feel like an absolute failure. I have fucked up royally, I have just piled and piled shit on top of myself and the one thing I had in hand has got swiped to the way side. Fuck it, what’s the point? Lets feel sorry for myself.

2 – admit I haven’t got what I need to complete it right now BUT look at what I have and am still achieving with everything I have had going on in the last 4 month. I may not pass this time but that does not mean I wont. It just means it is going to be longer than I anticipated

3 – I could absolutely destroy myself for the next 10 days in order to complete as much as possible. I run the risk of massively knocking myself and I may not be much use to a anyone but once at least I can say I tried my hardest and I have a holiday to fall back on after.

Now I know for sure 1 is not an option! This is something that I want so very much. I know for sure that fitness and exercise is where I want to be until I am no longer able to work. It’s not just a hobby, it’s a passion, a love, a desire. I know a lot of what has knocked me has been confidence in how I appear and my inner demons being a pack of bitches – you’re too fat, you’re too ugly, you’re unfit, you’re too old, etc etc etc. I have to hold my hands up and admit that these stupid fucking thoughts have put me in a position where I could actually fail………THIS TIME!

Yeah the chance of failure is actually higher than my chance of completing and I have to face facts. I hate losing! I just have to keep in mind that it wont be forever. I have at least 4 years in education, hopefully, to go through now, I will be applying for uni’s in October this year (what a crazy thought) so I surely cant beat myself up too much. One massive hurdle will not deter me from building my empire. I refuse to let it. What I need to do is look at it as an extra year to make sure I do it all completely and to the absolute best of my abilities. Now, I am not completely writing myself off yet, I will reach out to my tutor and do what I can to try and turn this around, but what I need to do is be realistic. I have struggled for too long in silence and this is the outcome. I just need to brush myself off and start again. I am still a damn sight further on with a hell of a lot more knowledge than I had 6 month ago.

I have to keep in my mind that I have been fighting one hell of a personal battle that has the majority of the time made my mind a massive pile of mush. It is not from lack of trying but when you cant even concentrate enough to read a book, I think it has been very ambitious of me to attempt to keep doing what I have been trying to do when I can barely remember my own name some days. My biggest regret, not reaching out to my course provider back in March. Why did I think I could do it all? I thought it would be a welcome distraction. Funny how things work out. Well I say funny, I am certainly not laughing.

I think the biggest thing I am feeling is I have made such a massive song and dance about it. I feel like I will be a laughing stock and I hate that feeling. That’s the thing with taking bricks down and learning to feel again, things that you normally wouldn’t have given two shits about actually kind of hurt. I feel like I have let those that believed in me down. I feel worse as I have let me down.

BUT it’s not over until it’s over and I refuse to let it be over. Like I say, this is a blip. An understandable blip. I am not giving up, I am just admitting that it may not be possible in the time I originally imagined. Writing all this down is already starting to help me breathe a bit easier. I hadn’t realised how much it was crushing me. Honesty really is the best policy! Whilst the official qualifications might be delayed it doesn’t mean that building my body to match my career has to be delayed. My fitness levels will continue to improve, my confidence will grow, I will get my depression well and truly under control and I can start building my business in the background whilst I put myself forward in the mental health awareness aspect and get as much experience under my belt. I have reached out at work and been honest about why I have been off to the wider company not just my office. This seems to have unlocked a couple of doors in which I fully intend to open and explore.

So, plan of action for CC – do what I can! Nothing is impossible, it just might take a little longer than expected. I will celebrate what I do achieve and keep trying at those that I  have missed the mark on this time.

I will believe in myself and I WILL get there

CC xx

 

Back to office life, ish!

The day has finally came. It had started to feel like forever since I was last there but then as soon as I sat down in that familiar swivel chair and booted up what can only be described as the slowest computer in the North East it felt like yesterday since I last walked in, pretty much a shell of myself and told my manager I was broken. Yes, it’s back to the rat race, back to working life, back to reality, back to plate spinning.

Yesterday I was a ball of anxiety, in fact there was an actual ball of anxiety under my diaphragm stopping me from breathing deep. I was ok but I was on edge, one of those feelings where you cant really describe how it is you actually feel. Fine but not fine, OK but not OK, numb but then full of emotions. I was a bundle of energy yet I couldn’t be arsed to do anything. I had more questions rushing round my head than an episode of Question Time (honesty moment, never EVER seen this programme so I am taking a wild guess because of the name lol) and I didn’t have the answer to any of them. Breathing deep wasn’t helping, I couldn’t focus enough to blog and I don’t think I made much sense to whoever I was talking to. I am quite a doyle and should think before I speak generally as I can come out with some right corkers (sure my lovely friend Danielle will remember the wonky bush incident. That will always be one of my favourites) but yesterday I had just lost all sense of how to act even remotely human. I kind of felt like I was going through the motions but I got through the day so always a bonus.

Preparation and planning is key! I had my outfit sorted, my gym bag packed and the kids sorted. I went to bed as ready as I ever could be, at least physically and luckily I managed to get a semi decent nights sleep. The recent nightmares I have been having seemed to have left me alone or at least gave me a much needed night off for which I was incredibly grateful. This morning I was glad I have a pretty solid morning routine, that I have had for much of the time I have been off work. This has kept some sort of normality for me in a time where things have felt anything but normal a lot of the time! Today it meant it kept those anxious nerves at bay. I had an abnormal amount of energy for a morning, for me anyway, but that meant that the gym felt so good! Heavy leg weights and stair high intensity intervals. I was wobbling like Bambi at the end but the feeling of accomplishment, of success, was worth every second. The sweat on my wrists like my badge of honour. I managed a full 45 minutes without thinking, blissful peace apart from the chavvy rave blaring in my ears that keeps my momentum going. I don’t always listen to rave, those days are long gone along with my hoop earrings and questionable coke can fringe but it will always have a place in my heart and it certainly has a place in my workout playlist.

If I am honest I don’t know how I would have got through my morning. While I was showering I was OK. While I was getting ready I was OK, skinny jeans, hair done, mascara and heels. Sometimes a girl has to slightly power dress. Getting in my car I was I was OK, as the distance started to shorten between me and the office my heart started beating faster, my hands started shaking and my body started tingling. I felt sick and my brain felt like it was trying to escape from my skull. I wont lie, that thought appeals to me very much sometimes. I sat in my car for a good 5 minutes, deep breaths and I gave myself a stern talking to. I could do this. The only thing that would stop me doing this was myself, my negative thought process. I was ready to give this a go. So, final deep breath and I walked in that office with my head high and the biggest smile I could muster. Considering I was the only one in the office I probably would have looked like a proper loon to any one who may have seen me but it was what I had to do. I walked in as if I had never been away, the familiar routine came back to me as if I had only had a weekend off.

I am personally glad that I was the first person in. It gave me the chance to get my head round it a little bit. It was lovely and familiar but at the same time incredibly daunting. The shakes would not calm down, the feeling of sickness did not compliment my morning oats if I am honest and the headache seemed to intensify, but I was there, I was doing it. Nothing that I had imagined going wrong had. The flower and card from my manager was a massive help. Full of colour and a nod at the fact they were glad to have me back. The hugs from my colleagues and the look on their face that showed me they were genuinely happy I was there really helped more than words can describe. This may not be where I want to be, what I want to do, certainly not a forever job but for a stepping stone on to the next step of my life I could not ask for a better group of people to have met. They have supported me since Day 1 of this horrible time, been there to chat to, random messages to let me know they were thinking of me, my manager has been incredibly supportive. All of this despite the fact they are suffering the same work worries amongst their own individual personal issues. Sometimes I hate the human race but sometimes people like these help me realise that there are some bloody amazing individuals out there too.

Three hours was more than enough I must admit. I walked out the office and I felt lighter instantly but I also felt proud. I had done it and I hadn’t hated it or broke down or anything. The weird feeling has stuck with me all day but I am sure over time that will diminish. I am even going to go back tomorrow. Get me!! 😀 The first hurdle, the first day is over and done with. Baby steps are essential and trying not to put too much pressure on myself by taking it day by day but a little glimmer of confidence is back!

I am so glad I have been out and honest about why I was absent, why I was on the sick. For me it took the elephant out of the room. I didn’t feel like anyone felt they had to tiptoe round me. I wont necessarily make a point of talking about it apart from with my manager, but if they want to talk about it I will do happily, well depending on that days mood anyway lol. My point being it is good to remove the stigma. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have what I have had and in no way will I take it for granted. All workplaces should be like this.

So, yet another little battle won. Getting kind of good at this aren’t I? There will be big things that knock me, little things that make me lose my shit and I know for a fact that Monday morning feeling is just around the corner but hey, get me, I’m doing this. For today, that is enough.

CC xx

 

Two steps forward, one step back.

I may be making slow progress but I am making progress!

Well, today has been a bit of an eye opener to be fair. Thankfully the way I have been feeling makes much more sense now. I know counsellors are trained and this is what they are meant to do but it still amazes me that she can get things from me that I couldn’t see for myself. I might know that something is up but 9 times out of 10 I cant for the life of me figure out what. She seems to have these magic keys that open me up and she can see exactly what is going on in the complex mess that is my mind.

OK, so I am not as far on my journey as I thought. Those cards that are glued to my chest, that I thought I was hiding so well that I didn’t have to actually acknowledge them, are starting to shift a little bit. With this comes new emotions and memories that I may not have had the courage to accept and deal with before now. As my brain starts to open up to my new way of thinking it releases a little bit more of my past and how I am feeling, seemingly from a conversation I have had that was a subconscious trigger.

Hands up, I am scared. I have trained myself for so many years to think and feel, or not feel to be more accurate, a certain way that changing my mind set is very overwhelming. I like to think I don’t care, it is what it is, and to a degree IT IS what it is but I cant just tick a box and walk away. My internal child has well and truly spat her dummy out and she wants attention NOW. She wants to be heard, how she felt, what she had to do, why she did what she did. She wants to get it all out. The pain, the sadness, the fear, the loneliness, she wants to vomit it all out, the way I want to when I feel like I cant cope and I need a sense of control and purpose. As scary as it might be to go back, little CC deserves her turn. I have kept her locked in a box pretty much all her life.

For now little CC’s story will remain strictly confidential. I am not ready to share, to be honest the idea of going back and exploring it all is not something I am looking forward to at all, but it is the biggest bag I have been carrying and although I kidded myself I had looked in it, all I really did was push it round the floor so it looked like I had. I put so much pressure on myself to succeed, in everything, that even getting better was like a job I had to do. I HAD to get better as quick as possible, I didn’t want to feel shit, I don’t have time to have bad days and deal with shite. Surely if its in the past it should stay in the past?! Well yeah, if you had actually dealt with it!

The feelings of worthlessness and failure, especially feeling stupid when I know I am actually an intelligent person, make sense to me now. There is only so much you can put on yourself but as I am my biggest critic, every time I couldn’t focus instead of being nice to myself and perhaps giving myself a break, I was pushing even harder. Like I have a point to prove. To be fair, in one way I do feel I have a point to prove. “Hey! Look at me! Look at what I am doing!”  I have pushed and pushed and put so much pressure on myself my brain just shot its pen down, crossed its arms and told me to fuck right off! Deservedly so! As my counsellor has made me see today, I need to stop being so rigid, stop putting so much on what I want to achieve and just take it in my stride. I know I can do it so I need to stop being so hard on myself. If I had a teacher screaming at me the way I scream at myself I would flip my lid, so why do I think it’s ok to do it to myself? At this moment in time, my ambition and passion to succeed has the real potential to derail me completely if I don’t take a step back and breathe! Yes, I have a lot to do, but I have time. I need to slow the fuck down. I want the world and I will get the world but it will take time and patience. As the old saying goes, all work and no play makes CC a very highly strung nutjob!

Today I am exhausted. Plain and simple. Knowing that I need more counselling has actually been a relief though. She makes me feel strong and I feel like for one hour a fortnight I make sense. I can say things that NEED to be said but without hurting anyone or causing drama.  I could have felt it was a failure on my half, how I am looking at it though is that I am accepting there is a problem and I am trying to fix it. I have to work on my negative language when I talk about myself. I know it is hard for some people who care about me that I wont open up to them. Maybe I never completely will as these are my issues but I do know I can talk if and when I need to. I don’t need saving I just need supporting. I am frustrating as hell and sometimes I make absolutely no sense! Don’t take it personally, I don’t even know what I am on about myself half the time.

I am beginning to realise that my circle is a lot smaller than it once was, I am learning who cares, who is there for me before I even really know I need someone. I know I bang on about mental health and fitness all the time but these things are important to me. I don’t expect you to feel the same way but to appreciate they are my passions.  I could be sad that I have lost people but no, I wont. Maybe I have given them reason to, if you are reading this and think I have, I am genuinely sorry. Sometimes I cant see the tree for the leaves. Maybe they just never cared that much in the first place. Fine. Maybe I have now served my purpose in their life. Again, fine. Your loss. I am a bloody delight after all ;-P  To those that have stuck with me though, old and new, thank you!

What I have learnt today though is I reckon I would make a damn good spy! Getting information from me is like getting blood from a stone……..unless you have a magic set of keys that is.

Line drawn, mistakes made, realisations realised, now gloves are back on. Ready to fight!

CC xx