#WorldMentalHealthDay

You may have seen this hashtag today. In fact if you haven’t you certainly can not be on any kind of social media platform. Although I haven’t been on I am pretty certain it’s even on Pinterest!

Maybe you have seen #WMHD or #oktosay or the simple but effect #mentalhealthawareness instead. Whatever it may be, did the post catch your eye? Did you read to see what it had to say? Or did you scroll past, assuming that it had nothing to do with you? It doesn’t affect you? Or maybe you are one of the people who follow me and you are just extremely sick of seeing or hearing the words – “Mental Health” 😉

Now yes, I have been like a record on repeat and yes, I am sure I have annoyed the life out of at least a couple of you, but for once, I’m not going to say sorry. The plain and simple truth is, I’m not. I will continue to stand on my soap box, spam your social media accounts, chew your ears off and do whatever I possibly can to keep getting the message across! The whole problem with starts with people not being able to talk. It could be fear of being judged, it could be not being able to vocalise what is the problem, it may be bad experiences with mental health services in the past, it may be that you just don’t believe in the whole aspect of mental illness. That is fine. No one, certainly not me, is here to force you, to goad you, to guilt you.  I will continue to be the voice until you feel strong enough to speak up. I will be the leader until you can come and walk beside me. I will show you, although it may be a scary place, there is a genuine comfort in numbers. There will be a lightness to your step when you unburden some of the weight from your shoulders.

I have had an very productive and satisfying day today although I will be honest, I haven’t quite caught up with my thought processes yet. I have a feeling it may take a few days for my already quite over worked brain to get around things properly so please, if this blog is even more random than normal, well you know why. My volunteer work for Mind Middlesbrough and Stockton has already given me so many chances to give back and be involved. They have really lit a fire in me and helped my passion for mental health and helping others grow. A couple of weeks a go I was filmed as part of an anti stigma film project – ‘Thinking Out Loud’ which gets premiered today at 530pm (I will be sure to share it once it has been released on social media) Mind were lucky enough to have the support of both Cleveland Police and Middlesbrough Football Club. Alongside this I have been volunteering at a fantastic event in Stockton on Tees – Alright Teesside which has had stalls from organisations all over Teesside, workshops and guest speakers, all promoting ways to achieve good mental health, advice of where you can get advice and support as well as ideas on how you can help yourself, be it through Mindfulness, blogging or how a healthy diet coincides with a healthy mind.

With this event I was lucky enough to be chosen for a one to one interview with the lovely Rachel Bullock from ITV Tyne Tees. It may amuse you to know that despite all the selfies and stuff I post, I actually have quite massive self confidence issues. The publicity photo itself made me cringe and think, goodness I need to up my gym game!! However, just having watched it, and the anti stigma film, I just want to say, I am so bloody proud of myself!! Proud of what I said, proud of being open and honest, proud of putting myself out there, stepping way out my comfort zone and doing my bit, sharing a bit of my story. I will post the links at the bottom if I can, although there isn’t one yet for my news interview so I will try and attach the video to this blog. I am not the most tech savvy I must admit!

The one main thing I think that needs to be said, and what has been said by a few close friends of mine, is that mental health awareness cant just be about one day. The one’s who suffer wont stop suffering at the stroke of midnight when today has been and gone. For many, every day tasks are difficult to manage, sometimes even impossible. We have good days, even great days. Then we have bad days, bad weeks, bad months even. It is a constant battle that many of us will have for most, if not all, of our life. Some may suffer periodically, some may suffer due to a life event and then once that is dealt with they make a full recovery. Whatever mental health issue it may be, it’s important to know, you are not alone.

“LET’S MAKE MENTAL HEALTH AN EVERYDAY SUBJECT”

Lots of love and a massive thank you to all of you who support me, are there for me, believe in me and love me!

CC xx

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It’s only just the beginning!

**TW mentions of suicide**

Generally I am hoping that this is going to be a pretty positive post but let’s see how it goes. I love the feeling that tells me I am ready to start spouting the complete shite that goes on in my head but at the same time I am always a bit on edge about what I could potentially find out about myself. Often I have no idea what is bothering me exactly until my fingers start hitting the keys of  my laptop with the vigour of a man trying to the last of the tomato sauce out of the bottle.

One massive bonus about my college course, apart from the fact that so far I am loving it, is that it has got me thinking a lot. Not necessarily self dwelling although yes at times this does happen. I’m getting good at not burying my head in the sand and being more vocal about things. I mean it has got me thinking in a more academic, intelligent way. I feel like my brain is waking up. Although things are incredibly stressful and I nearly had a mini meltdown on Friday as I felt so overwhelmed with stuff, I also feel like I am finally winning my battle. Or at least I have crossed that line onto the good side. I wont get cocky and I am still realistic but what I also am is genuinely positive and wanting to enjoy the good days. I want to make the most of the good feeling, to laugh loudly, to dance crazily, to smile hugely and to be satisfied muchly with what I have, not what I want.

Over the weekend I have been thinking a lot about how I have felt over the last 7 month, especially back in March. The stage I am at now makes it difficult to comprehend that I was ever that low. Even during my bad days now, thoughts of self harm and of suicide do not even appear, at least not in a “I want to act on this” way. My fear of death has actually intensified. Is this normal? I have no idea. It feels so surreal that not long ago it was all I wanted. All I thought about for much of the day. Contemplating the best way to do it, wondering if I should leave letters, thinking about what my husband would tell my children, analysing what I thought would happen if I was successful. Would it be like going to sleep? Would it hurt but be like a satisfactory pain? The problem, if problem is what you can call it, is that being non religious I don’t know what I believe about what happens after. That thought now terrifies me to be honest, but less than 6 months ago, I didn’t care. I just wanted the pain to stop. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I wanted the voices to stop. I wanted to feel successful at something and for a very warped period of time, I thought if I could achieve death I would be hitting the ultimate goal. Seriously messed up way of thinking and to be honest, canny upsetting now I am where I am but even so, that is honestly where I was. Thank goodness I failed at that!!

What it did do is wake me up. So cliché but I actually feel alive now. I have put all the energy that was focused on the bad stuff and the past into the here and now, laying the foundations for what I intend on being a pretty epic future. I want to live a life worthy of a book of memoirs. Now don’t get me wrong, I have a shit tonne of material to write part 1 of the “Life of CC” but mostly that would be a pretty miserable and potentially pity inducing read and one thing I do not want from anyone is pity. Then again, I do have quite a few majorly humorous chapters courtesy of my fabulous friends and some of the weird and wonderful people I have encountered in my life. I have also got a couple Jeremy Kyle worthy chapters. My life certainly hasn’t been black and white that’s for sure. More like neon pink with luminous yellow stars!

One of things we are studying is the nature vs nurture debate. I popped a question up in my RED group as I am so fascinated with the different way people look at things and their opinions. It really is such a diverse subject and as I proudly class myself as open minded I can genuinely see why people think the way they do. For me, as a rule I do believe in the nurture argument. Yes there are certain fundamental areas that could determine your future, areas that could be chalked up to nature; your eye colour, your distinguishing features, your immune system, etc. However, I do genuinely believe that who you become as a person, your quirks, your personality, your resilience, comes from experiences and your environment during your crucial development stages. I use myself and my own personal experiences to base my opinion as what better evidence to help your argument than true fact. I am not saying I am right (for once 😉 ) there is of course no right or wrong answer and to be honest there never will be.

I believe I am product of my past and my experiences, not my parents DNA. Yes, I have my Mam’s nose, my Dad’s teeth and hair and yes, there is a long history of mental health illness on both sides of my family blood line, especially Depression. Do I think this made me more likely to suffer? No. However, I do believe that the effects of said ill health and how it made people in my life behave did have a profound effect. The thing that makes me laugh is when I look at me and my brother. We have the same parents so the same genetic factors. We (unfortunately) look very similar, although I am clearly the more attractive one! We grew up with the same experiences, under the same roof, yet ultimately you could not get two more different people! Although I am no longer close to my brother, it would not be fair on me to disclose certain things on here for the world to see, but I will say we were treated VERY differently as children. The funny thing is though, and my Mam has even admitted this, mine and M’s lives are the wrong way round. This just proves to me that you take what you need from a situation. I am a result of various occurrences but what I have done is made sure I rose above the bad shit. They have not defined me but they have moulded me. They have created a thicker skin, a passion to change my life, a drive to succeed and an overall more stronger woman.

It may seem quite contradictory but I am firm believer in fate and karma. Yes, I do believe that the path we follow depends on the choices you make but everything happens for a reason, off the back of choices we make and actions we take. I have people who have appeared in my life that mean the world to me, yes I believe it was meant to be, but then it is a result of who I am as a person and where my decisions have brought me. I could have used my Depression to sit back and make myself feel better about my pretty mundane life and the fact that I am pretty nuts when I want to be but I didn’t. I decided to take all my strength and focus and put it into new projects. Once I had decided that I was worth it, my life was not worth ending, I decided to myself that this was the time where I make it worth living. Where I decided right, let’s make it the best I can. Let’s achieve the impossible, let’s help others realise their potential, let’s put myself out there and be as honest as I can be in the hopes that I might help just 1 person who feels alone, that feels like they are not worth it, that feels like the world would be a better place without them. It wouldn’t. It never would.

I may miss the heartless bitch I once was, the discovery of feelings has been an emotional one in itself, but it has opened so many doors for me. I am so glad I sought help when I was rock bottom as now I am on steady incline to heady heights of awesomeness. I may miss a rung, I may sometimes take a step or few back down, sometimes I may even halt for a little while to catch my breath, but one thing I know for sure………………………………………………………………

MY STORY IS NOT OVER YET

Much love

 

CC xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I bet even Wonder Woman has a “To DO” list!

So much for me not neglecting my beloved blog, but yet again a little thing called life got in the way. To be fair though, that little life of mine has become a whole lot bigger in a very short space of time!

My last blog touched on what I was going to be doing, now I am 2 weeks in the midst and ultimately, it is equal amounts of awesomeness and what the fuck am I doing to myself! I cant lie, not having my Depression completely under control yet is a big worry. Although I have had more good days than bad, it is always lurking in the background, like an annoying person who reads over your shoulder. To be honest the bad days haven’t been bad days as such, more bad episodes. So in that way I am counting myself incredibly lucky. Saying that, as I am having to schedule in breathing I suppose my brain hasn’t had much of a chance to have it’s wicked way with me!

College  – I LOVE IT! The course is so much more than I expected and I am only a week in, having missed a week to go away. It is everything I am interested in, the subjects are so involved and informative that I forget that it is a night and I would normally be tucked up in bed before the classes have even finished! I am soooo rock ‘n’ roll aren’t I? :’) Part of me wishes I had known back when I was younger what I wanted to do and had discovered this path. What I have realised though is, although I do worry age could be a negative, I have what I didn’t have all those years ago. Genuine life experience, and fuck has it been an experience to date! As well as knowledge and passion and a clear cut route of where I want to end up; with the added extra of knowing where to look to find out the best path to take. Yes it’s going to be a tough journey. I know I will laugh, cry, throw things (hide the Yankee Candles), feel amazing, feel like a failure and no doubt want to give up every other day, but I do know, deep deep, deep down that I more than have the ability to do this. I do have a brain, a pretty decent one at that. It just hasn’t had to be used for a long time. It needs its cobwebs blasting off, it needs a nudge awake, or a sledgehammer if that would be more beneficial. Actually, do you know what will make the biggest difference, believing in my potential. The reason I struggled with my PT work, apart from the lack of concentration and Depression stoving my head in at the critical time, is I didn’t honestly believe in myself. I was kidding myself at the time. I wanted it so bad in one way, in a massive way, but I just didn’t think anyone would take me seriously. It’s different to be the person living and breathing the gym and exercise and preaching it’s amazingness. It’s completely the other to have people actually wanting to use you and follow what you say and trust you can get them the results they need. It was hard for me to trust I have the ability to do it myself!

See, self doubt is never far from the front of my mind. Luckily, my passion and determination has won this time and I have secured extended time to complete. Yes, it adds yet more to my ever maddening work load, but in a few years time when I am doing what I love and reaping the benefits, I will look back on this time and be proud that it was another hard step in my life that helped build my character and become the strong, independent woman I will be. It also helps with the motivation to get the body I want. Yes, currently, and yes I sound like a broken record, I have let my own personal standards slip. My eating has fallen off, my exercise, well it is regular, it cant not be as I am training for my half marathon but I KNOW I can do better, push harder. To be honest I am seriously debating getting a PT for myself. One so they can push me, advise me and really open my potential, two as I can pick their brains, watch them work, live their methods. Nothing better than on the job experience in my opinion.

Anyway, I digress, as I do when I yabber on about something I love so much. Mind mapping my thoughts yesterday made me truly realise just what I have going on. There is a lot of guilt at the moment that there are parts of my life I feel I am letting down. My friends and my volunteer work with MIND being top of the list. However, the thing that works with me is getting it all out of my head and on to paper. This way I can see the crap that is swirling around in my head, I can take it and I can mould it into some sort of a plan. I love lists. I list about lists about lists, but to me, this visual helps calm the chaos in my head. I can see that yes there is a lot but it can all be achieved. As long as I prioritise and most importantly, as long as I keep an eye on myself. I know all too well how easy it is for me to lose control by needing to be in control. By keeping so busy I run myself round the pole until I end up choking. I think I am pretty confident at spotting my signs now, but if not, I am even more confident there are people in my life who can spot it for me. Who wont be scared to tell me to calm down. Who will quite happily take me away from something to help me see the bigger picture. Those who will simply give me a hug when I need it, some encouraging words or even just to make me laugh so much I nearly piss my pants. Yes, Faye, I am looking at you lol. Need a new autocorrect mishap actually!

I am doing incredibly well not being on my AD’s and I have no intention whatsoever at going back on them. I am currently doing my research into more natural sources although I am doing well managing it with exercise and keeping busy. I do realise I am starting to close up slightly, I think I knew that would happen as soon as I realised it was the end for me and my counsellors beautiful relationship. This is why I MUST keep up with this blog, even if I just do it weekly. Yes, I love that people take the time to read it and I would love it to spread further and help as many people as possible, but mostly I love the way the sounds of the keys clacking help soothe me, the way the words tumble out my fingers, even if they make no sense, it means there is a new bit space in my head. I know my spelling is sometimes out and grammar, well I must drive the grammar police frigging mental but what it means to me is, it is me. Raw, uncut, uncensored (literally). That is the best form of therapy for me, as often I am being whoever anyone else wants me to be. Here I am just CC, in all her disgraceful, bullshit, verbal diarrhoea glory!

Like the tag line says, even Wonder Woman must have a TO DO list and I bet it’s epic. Although hers is probably headed with save the world or some sort of shit so she wins in the importance stakes. Sometimes it helps to realise that even superheroes struggle, I bet they bash their head off a steering wheel in frustration and struggle to get out of bed some days. I bet Wonder Woman looks and sees flaws in her perfect figure, Batman feels too fat for his suit some days, Superman cant be arsed to fly at times and Hulk, well sometimes I bet he just wants to smash shit up to make himself feel better. We are all frigging awesome people, with amazing potential. We don’t need a cape, although lets face it, I’d look pretty fucking cool in one, what we do need is time, self love, support and awareness. What we definitely need is the ability to realise that we cant always be super and we do need help.

Ahhhhhhh, that feels better! Until next week 😀

Love

CCxx

 

Black Dog days are over………for now!

Before I start with what is really on my mind, let me just be clear. I know I am so far from the lass I was in March, so very far from the lass I was a year ago. I know what I have achieved and I know what I have to work for. I know pretty much who I have in my life now, I know who I have lost. I know who I can trust, I know who genuinely cares and I know the one’s that will use me and those that drain my energy. I know who I can embrace and those that I need to keep at arms length for my own sake. I know how lucky I am, I could be in a hell of a lot worse of a situation. There are people out there, some who I class as close to me, who have much bigger problems, who have suffered so much more pain, heartbreak and suffering. I am learning that when it comes to personal circumstances or the way that your mind decides to work, there are no comparisons. There can’t be. It’s the luxury and impressiveness of the human race – we are each completely individual, no two people are ever the same.

I’m not sure why, I haven’t quite put my finger on it, maybe it is the lack of routine in the long school holidays and the sheer overwhelming realisation of what I have coming up, but I have not been in a good place. This last week has been hard! One of the hardest since the beginning of this mental health journey I found myself on. In fact, if I am brutally honest with myself it started back in July but for the purposes of this blog we will focus on the last week. When to be honest, all I wanted to do was crawl back in my dark hole. The thing with my hole is I feel, safe, in there. It’s a lot quieter, people can’t get to me so their actions and words don’t affect me on a personal level, more on the level of a curious spectator. In my hole I know where I stand, I can close myself off, I embrace the darkness, the simplicity of it all, the way I can bury my feelings way down deep and refuse to acknowledge them. Those are the benefits of my hole.

For every positive list, there comes a negative list. Now that I can see a slight chink of light again on my horizon, after a week of the darkest storm clouds, I can see more clearly what these negatives would be. The main one – loneliness. It is so damn lonely being stuck in your head as it is, I know that if I had climbed back in that hole, the loneliness would have consumed me. The silence that I craved so badly would actually be deafening. The lack of love for myself would start to leave scars. The motivation and determination to beat this and better myself would dwindle like the flame on a candle that is about to burn out. I was so close. So close to giving up. Accepting that this is the life I am destined to live. Constant battles. Constant feelings of misery. Constant regrets. Constant what if’s.

Today though, no. I refuse to let this happen. First and foremost, to those people that know how low I have been, thank you for not letting me retreat. Thank you for hugging me. Thank you for not letting my stubbornness push you away. Thank you for accepting and even understanding why I am like this even when I haven’t really been able to explain. Thank you for listening. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for filling in my hole (oh er 😉 ) so I had no choice but to stay above ground. You could see that there were better times ahead, you believed I would see it too and you kept me going. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I have woke up and all is fine and dandy, but it is a damn sight better than yesterday, and the day before and the day before that.

I feel like I have neglected my blog. I stopped doing the things that I know have the ability to help me. I just had no interest. No words to speak. I had feelings, a whole lot of feelings, but none I wanted to give the power to consume me. The thing with my blog is I literally just type whatever comes into my mind at the given moment, and when people hurt me I have an awful way of lashing out. Had I wrote things down, they would have been forever said, whether I published the blog or not and I am not willing to do that. I am not that person anymore. I don’t want to hurt people to protect myself. I don’t want to be full of negativity and I certainly don’t want to be full of self pity and oh woah is me. I am a damn sight stronger than that!

This blog, although I want it to be about fitness too, is very much a mental health blog now. It always has been. When I read back over them I can see my highs and my lows. It is actually quite therapeutic reading it back. Fascinating to see how my mind was working at that point in time. What was hurting me or bothering me or making me happy. One thing I like to see is my passion. My goals. My challenges. Yes, I have certainly failed at a few but you know what, I think that has just made me more determined to set more and to make damn sure I pass them. The thing that was different at the beginning was I was so determined not to let my mate Depression win, I pushed myself hard. I had steel like motivation. I think as I started accepting what was wrong, that in all intent and purpose I was ill, I started getting complacent. Depression saw a chink in my armour and started to work it’s way in. It had me starting to believe it was ok to give in. That I was doing too much. But I wasn’t. I can do it all, I can have it all and you know what, I’m going to!

1 week today and it is the start of a whole new life for me. I start college with the main aim to pass with the credits I need to go on to university to study Psychology. My eventual aim is to be an Exercise Psychologist and to run my own business. This empire I speak of is back on the burner now. Around studying I am determined to work until they make me redundant, raise my kids, look after my house, build my peer support group, volunteer for Mind and still find time to reach my own personal fitness and weight loss goals. Oh and have fun! Sounds busy, sounds a little bit impossible maybe, not enough hours in the day? Well I am well aware it is not going to be easy. In fact I am even more aware that sometimes I will be ready to give up. That I will believe I cant do it, my brain doesn’t work, etc. My biggest motivational quote at the moment;

“FAIL TO PREPARE, PREPARE TO FAIL”

So prep is key, being nice to myself is even more important. Asking for help is crucial. As independent as I am and as much as I don’t NEED anyone, I have to be honest and realise that it is ok to try and make things easier for yourself if you have people willing to help and support you. Tomorrow I can start to build a routine back, ready to start next week strong and focused. It’s a big week! My baby boy also starts primary school! I could not be more proud of my children and I want them to be proud of me. I want them to see me fight all the hard stuff and come out better and stronger than ever. They deserve the kick arse Wonder Woman Mam that I know I can be. Just need the costume now!

So today, now the light is starting to shine through, I can see the flowers blooming. It is going to be a day of genuine smiles. Of preparing and planning. Of dancing like a divvy to the music I love. Of big cuddles and laughter with my gorgeous boy. Of chatting to friends and just appreciating what I have in my life. The clouds can always come back, but there will ALWAYS be sunshine behind them. The hole is filled, I have put a lid on it. There is no going back!

CC xx

 

 

Time to reset 

OK, so Depression is now like a close personal friend. One I cant stand I might add but anyway, we know each other pretty much inside out. We have a strong battle of wills going on and it is anyone’s guess who will win at any given time. I do think I am starting to take the lead and grab the reigns of what feels like a runaway horse drawn carriage that is my life though, more often than not.

However, it seems there has been an unwanted party guest who has completely gate crashed. Welcome…….. Anxiety! Now, Off You Fuck mate. You are as unwelcome as a bad case of genital herpes!

I write this blog today from Kusadasi, Turkey and I feel that some of you reading this will think, what an ungrateful bitch that CC is. I swear I am not. I am so very grateful for every opportunity I am given and the things I can give my children. I work very hard to make sure their childhood is the flipside of what mine was. I ask sincerely,  please try and read between the lines when it appears I am whinging, I am just being honest as I swore I would be when I started Red Balloons.

The thing with having mental health issues is, you cant just leave them at home. Just because I am on holiday, in glorious sunshine, beer in hand, in what feels like my home from home, does not mean Depression and now my new acquaintance Anxiety just decide to leave me be for 14 wonderful days. Nope, no Sir. This time they have packed their bags and joined in on the family fun. Bastards!

The lead up to holidays normally has me absolutely doing people’s tits in about 60 days before I go, counting down. I normally have holiday clothes packed and re packed a bout a billion times in the month before I go. Not this time. I feel really bad on my husband and kids as for the majority of the time I have had to fake being excited. I have a horrible habit of catastrophizing things at the moment, my mind gets completely carried away and goes off on a tangent. The feelings I was getting about flying, about being in Manchester airport, about coming to Turkey, a place I absolutely adore, were so exhaustingly scary. I had so many scenarios playing in my head that were completely ridiculous! I got myself into such a state that my run on Monday morning ended in having to walk off yet another panic attack that gripped my so hard I nearly threw up and had chest pains for most of the day. It got me so frustrated that I ended up crying on the plane. I really felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t cope with anything. Yet I had to be as strong as possible so as not to scare or upset Noah who still has trouble understanding things, like why we couldn’t just land the plane when he wanted to get off. This resulted in him having a massive melt down. Thank  goodness we were sitting around understanding and patient people!

It is now Wednesday and I feel physically and emotionally fucked! My body hurts yet I need to exercise as it is the one coping technique I have the luxury of being able to bring with me anywhere in the world. Tuesday I did my very first ever holiday workout. I ran 1km (laps of the sitesi) 1 minute plank, 20 press-ups which I am buzzing I am getting better at every time and 20 squats. Plus an absurd amount of walking. Today has had to be calmer as I just don’t have the energy, yet the feeling of success at swimming laps in the pool which I had the absolute luxury of having completely to myself this morning and then an underwater strength workout is really the best kind of medicine you could ask for. I feel more in control of things, although I hurt pretty much everywhere, feeling the sun on my skin and having 30 minutes of complete alone time to listen to my music was so very necessary.

I know I have to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be what I think everyone expects of me. I need to embrace the moods, good and bad and just be honest with my family. I am ok. I am so happy to be here. I cant wait to rub what will be an epic tan in my best friends face in 2 weeks time. Yet sometimes I will look like I am not. Sometimes I will zone out. Sometimes I will be sad for no reason whatsoever. It’s horrible, for me and for those around me, but what I am learning is, this is me. I cant help it but I can do whatever I can in my power to fight it daily. I wont lie, ice cold Efes really does take the edge off!

So, my plan for this holiday is to relax. To take notice of my body and mind while I don’t have the stresses of everyday life. I want to retune myself, to learn about myself, to be able to go home strong and fit. To fit into my bridesmaid dress and feel genuinely happy and confident in myself. To get myself to the place I need to be to start the next big chapter of  my life. I know it may take a few days for me to settle in and get over the last week but I will have fun, I will make the most if the precious memories I am making with my family.

So, now I will sign off and chill in the sun with yet another ice cold Efes, my version of the bible – Women’s Health magazine and Bakermat blasting in my ears. I will be planning this weeks workouts and giving myself a stern talking to about avoiding bread – bloat does not make a bikini flattering! The boys are asleep, the daughter has gone to the beach with the FIL. Yet another bit time to myself – bliss!

I do feel better getting this off my mind and onto paper, well screen. The joys of blogging, I don’t know what I would do without it to be honest.

Happy Hump Day

CC xx

 

Two steps forward, one step back.

I may be making slow progress but I am making progress!

Well, today has been a bit of an eye opener to be fair. Thankfully the way I have been feeling makes much more sense now. I know counsellors are trained and this is what they are meant to do but it still amazes me that she can get things from me that I couldn’t see for myself. I might know that something is up but 9 times out of 10 I cant for the life of me figure out what. She seems to have these magic keys that open me up and she can see exactly what is going on in the complex mess that is my mind.

OK, so I am not as far on my journey as I thought. Those cards that are glued to my chest, that I thought I was hiding so well that I didn’t have to actually acknowledge them, are starting to shift a little bit. With this comes new emotions and memories that I may not have had the courage to accept and deal with before now. As my brain starts to open up to my new way of thinking it releases a little bit more of my past and how I am feeling, seemingly from a conversation I have had that was a subconscious trigger.

Hands up, I am scared. I have trained myself for so many years to think and feel, or not feel to be more accurate, a certain way that changing my mind set is very overwhelming. I like to think I don’t care, it is what it is, and to a degree IT IS what it is but I cant just tick a box and walk away. My internal child has well and truly spat her dummy out and she wants attention NOW. She wants to be heard, how she felt, what she had to do, why she did what she did. She wants to get it all out. The pain, the sadness, the fear, the loneliness, she wants to vomit it all out, the way I want to when I feel like I cant cope and I need a sense of control and purpose. As scary as it might be to go back, little CC deserves her turn. I have kept her locked in a box pretty much all her life.

For now little CC’s story will remain strictly confidential. I am not ready to share, to be honest the idea of going back and exploring it all is not something I am looking forward to at all, but it is the biggest bag I have been carrying and although I kidded myself I had looked in it, all I really did was push it round the floor so it looked like I had. I put so much pressure on myself to succeed, in everything, that even getting better was like a job I had to do. I HAD to get better as quick as possible, I didn’t want to feel shit, I don’t have time to have bad days and deal with shite. Surely if its in the past it should stay in the past?! Well yeah, if you had actually dealt with it!

The feelings of worthlessness and failure, especially feeling stupid when I know I am actually an intelligent person, make sense to me now. There is only so much you can put on yourself but as I am my biggest critic, every time I couldn’t focus instead of being nice to myself and perhaps giving myself a break, I was pushing even harder. Like I have a point to prove. To be fair, in one way I do feel I have a point to prove. “Hey! Look at me! Look at what I am doing!”  I have pushed and pushed and put so much pressure on myself my brain just shot its pen down, crossed its arms and told me to fuck right off! Deservedly so! As my counsellor has made me see today, I need to stop being so rigid, stop putting so much on what I want to achieve and just take it in my stride. I know I can do it so I need to stop being so hard on myself. If I had a teacher screaming at me the way I scream at myself I would flip my lid, so why do I think it’s ok to do it to myself? At this moment in time, my ambition and passion to succeed has the real potential to derail me completely if I don’t take a step back and breathe! Yes, I have a lot to do, but I have time. I need to slow the fuck down. I want the world and I will get the world but it will take time and patience. As the old saying goes, all work and no play makes CC a very highly strung nutjob!

Today I am exhausted. Plain and simple. Knowing that I need more counselling has actually been a relief though. She makes me feel strong and I feel like for one hour a fortnight I make sense. I can say things that NEED to be said but without hurting anyone or causing drama.  I could have felt it was a failure on my half, how I am looking at it though is that I am accepting there is a problem and I am trying to fix it. I have to work on my negative language when I talk about myself. I know it is hard for some people who care about me that I wont open up to them. Maybe I never completely will as these are my issues but I do know I can talk if and when I need to. I don’t need saving I just need supporting. I am frustrating as hell and sometimes I make absolutely no sense! Don’t take it personally, I don’t even know what I am on about myself half the time.

I am beginning to realise that my circle is a lot smaller than it once was, I am learning who cares, who is there for me before I even really know I need someone. I know I bang on about mental health and fitness all the time but these things are important to me. I don’t expect you to feel the same way but to appreciate they are my passions.  I could be sad that I have lost people but no, I wont. Maybe I have given them reason to, if you are reading this and think I have, I am genuinely sorry. Sometimes I cant see the tree for the leaves. Maybe they just never cared that much in the first place. Fine. Maybe I have now served my purpose in their life. Again, fine. Your loss. I am a bloody delight after all ;-P  To those that have stuck with me though, old and new, thank you!

What I have learnt today though is I reckon I would make a damn good spy! Getting information from me is like getting blood from a stone……..unless you have a magic set of keys that is.

Line drawn, mistakes made, realisations realised, now gloves are back on. Ready to fight!

CC xx

Flying my white flag…..

It’s been 11 days since I last posted a blog. How has that happened? I looked back over my last post and I was in such a positive, motivated place. I had the kick arse attitude and I was going places. I felt really fucking good! But the problem with being so caught up in your own mind, on first names terms with that cowbag Depression, means that at any given time, no matter how hard you fight, sometimes you just get caught up in it all.

I have felt a little claustrophobic if I am honest. Like my world was starting to go in on itself. The walls were closing in and I could feel myself getting a little bit crazier every day. It was like a Flubber ball in my chest. I needed a release but nothing, not even my beloved exercise was helping diminish it. It just kept growing, I kept catastrophizing everything, I have always been an over thinker but jeez,  my mind was working like it was on a drip of speed!  I had even managed to convince myself I was bloody pregnant. I have been sterilised for fucks sake! It is pretty much impossible for it to even happen but in my head of course I was. Everything messes up when things start to go right for me, at least that is how I see things.

Instead of reaching out to the people I know are there to listen, the people who have made me promise to talk to them when I am like that, the worse I felt the more deeper I dug and buried my head. I thought if I could just pretend I was OK I would be. If I wanted to be happy I just had to think happy! WHEN WILL I LEARN?! This doesn’t work for me!!

I have not liked one thing about myself. I have felt fat, ugly, thick, guilty, miserable and a failure. I know I cant use my old coping technique, and I am very proud that I have not succumbed. It is just so damn hard though as I cant get my head round not being able to do something that works. I understand that it is wrong, but why does everything that feels so good have to be wrong? I know its all down to my control issues. I have taken an awful lot on over the last few weeks. I feel like I let go of a few balloons and the thought of going back to work, although I think I am ready to try, was a tipping point. I know that I am more than capable of having it all. What I cant seem to grasp a hold of is that I deserve it too. I keep thinking I am reaching too far. That my fingers will get burnt. How the hell am I meant to help others when I am such a big self sabotage?!

My problem is, well one of them before any cheeky buggar comments 😉 is that I keep thinking I can beat the system. That I am not that bad. I stopped taking my tablets. I had convinced myself I didn’t need them. Big mistake! I am holding my white flag now. I surrender. Not in the way that Depression will win. No Sir! Just that I know I am only human. Yes, I have done so well, I have come on leaps and bounds and I am getting stronger every day. But that is because I was doing as I was told. By professionals. Who know what they are talking about. I do not know better and I have had to learn this at my own cost. I am more angry with myself as I could have set myself back so far. For being strong enough to admit I am failing, even if it is 11 days too late is a big step for me. I hate being wrong, it doesn’t sit well with me, but for the sake of my kids, my family, my friends and most importantly ME, it has be said.

I need to accept, once and for all that this is not just a battle, it’s a war. There are no quick fixes, no tactical manoeuvres that I can make to get over the other side. I have to take each step. I have to learn the relevant lessons. I can’t continue to grow if I don’t. I wouldn’t be able to go on and do the job I really want to do if I am doing myself such a disservice. I need to be the proof that the system works. I need to show that if you are willing to open up you need to be willing to listen to advice. I do not want to be the massive hypocrite that I have been recently. I am not scared of hard work. So why am I procrastinating? Why am I acting like a little bitch? Simple answer – it’s all I have known. It is hard to train and lose weight and change your physical appearance, it’s a lot fucking harder to change the way your brain works!

So today I have slept. I have contemplated. I started to feel a bit sorry for myself. I did the gym and managed a PB (inner thighs of steel me!) but basically I have procrastinated. Then I gave myself a mental slap. Pity is not something I feel for myself nor should I. I CAN do this, I WILL do this. I just need to admit when I need a little bit extra help. I know its nothing to be ashamed of. I bloody campaign to remove stigma over it all yet I do it to myself. Madness!

Getting the email that I have passed my first unit of my Mental Health Awareness course has given me that chink of light back. See CC, you can do it! Tomorrow I am going to get back to being out the house all day. I will do my work in the library or wherever. I always get distracted at home and I need to form a routine again, especially being back at work. Yes I have a lot to do, yes I have taken a lot on but greatness and world domination does not come to those sat on their arses waiting. It might be stressful at times but great things come to those that get out and work for it. So that is what I am going to do. Because let’s face it, I am a pretty fucked up version of great as it is 😀

I love blogging! I will not leave it so long again!

CC xx