Two steps forward, one step back.

I may be making slow progress but I am making progress!

Well, today has been a bit of an eye opener to be fair. Thankfully the way I have been feeling makes much more sense now. I know counsellors are trained and this is what they are meant to do but it still amazes me that she can get things from me that I couldn’t see for myself. I might know that something is up but 9 times out of 10 I cant for the life of me figure out what. She seems to have these magic keys that open me up and she can see exactly what is going on in the complex mess that is my mind.

OK, so I am not as far on my journey as I thought. Those cards that are glued to my chest, that I thought I was hiding so well that I didn’t have to actually acknowledge them, are starting to shift a little bit. With this comes new emotions and memories that I may not have had the courage to accept and deal with before now. As my brain starts to open up to my new way of thinking it releases a little bit more of my past and how I am feeling, seemingly from a conversation I have had that was a subconscious trigger.

Hands up, I am scared. I have trained myself for so many years to think and feel, or not feel to be more accurate, a certain way that changing my mind set is very overwhelming. I like to think I don’t care, it is what it is, and to a degree IT IS what it is but I cant just tick a box and walk away. My internal child has well and truly spat her dummy out and she wants attention NOW. She wants to be heard, how she felt, what she had to do, why she did what she did. She wants to get it all out. The pain, the sadness, the fear, the loneliness, she wants to vomit it all out, the way I want to when I feel like I cant cope and I need a sense of control and purpose. As scary as it might be to go back, little CC deserves her turn. I have kept her locked in a box pretty much all her life.

For now little CC’s story will remain strictly confidential. I am not ready to share, to be honest the idea of going back and exploring it all is not something I am looking forward to at all, but it is the biggest bag I have been carrying and although I kidded myself I had looked in it, all I really did was push it round the floor so it looked like I had. I put so much pressure on myself to succeed, in everything, that even getting better was like a job I had to do. I HAD to get better as quick as possible, I didn’t want to feel shit, I don’t have time to have bad days and deal with shite. Surely if its in the past it should stay in the past?! Well yeah, if you had actually dealt with it!

The feelings of worthlessness and failure, especially feeling stupid when I know I am actually an intelligent person, make sense to me now. There is only so much you can put on yourself but as I am my biggest critic, every time I couldn’t focus instead of being nice to myself and perhaps giving myself a break, I was pushing even harder. Like I have a point to prove. To be fair, in one way I do feel I have a point to prove. “Hey! Look at me! Look at what I am doing!”  I have pushed and pushed and put so much pressure on myself my brain just shot its pen down, crossed its arms and told me to fuck right off! Deservedly so! As my counsellor has made me see today, I need to stop being so rigid, stop putting so much on what I want to achieve and just take it in my stride. I know I can do it so I need to stop being so hard on myself. If I had a teacher screaming at me the way I scream at myself I would flip my lid, so why do I think it’s ok to do it to myself? At this moment in time, my ambition and passion to succeed has the real potential to derail me completely if I don’t take a step back and breathe! Yes, I have a lot to do, but I have time. I need to slow the fuck down. I want the world and I will get the world but it will take time and patience. As the old saying goes, all work and no play makes CC a very highly strung nutjob!

Today I am exhausted. Plain and simple. Knowing that I need more counselling has actually been a relief though. She makes me feel strong and I feel like for one hour a fortnight I make sense. I can say things that NEED to be said but without hurting anyone or causing drama.  I could have felt it was a failure on my half, how I am looking at it though is that I am accepting there is a problem and I am trying to fix it. I have to work on my negative language when I talk about myself. I know it is hard for some people who care about me that I wont open up to them. Maybe I never completely will as these are my issues but I do know I can talk if and when I need to. I don’t need saving I just need supporting. I am frustrating as hell and sometimes I make absolutely no sense! Don’t take it personally, I don’t even know what I am on about myself half the time.

I am beginning to realise that my circle is a lot smaller than it once was, I am learning who cares, who is there for me before I even really know I need someone. I know I bang on about mental health and fitness all the time but these things are important to me. I don’t expect you to feel the same way but to appreciate they are my passions.  I could be sad that I have lost people but no, I wont. Maybe I have given them reason to, if you are reading this and think I have, I am genuinely sorry. Sometimes I cant see the tree for the leaves. Maybe they just never cared that much in the first place. Fine. Maybe I have now served my purpose in their life. Again, fine. Your loss. I am a bloody delight after all ;-P  To those that have stuck with me though, old and new, thank you!

What I have learnt today though is I reckon I would make a damn good spy! Getting information from me is like getting blood from a stone……..unless you have a magic set of keys that is.

Line drawn, mistakes made, realisations realised, now gloves are back on. Ready to fight!

CC xx

Advertisements

Flying my white flag…..

It’s been 11 days since I last posted a blog. How has that happened? I looked back over my last post and I was in such a positive, motivated place. I had the kick arse attitude and I was going places. I felt really fucking good! But the problem with being so caught up in your own mind, on first names terms with that cowbag Depression, means that at any given time, no matter how hard you fight, sometimes you just get caught up in it all.

I have felt a little claustrophobic if I am honest. Like my world was starting to go in on itself. The walls were closing in and I could feel myself getting a little bit crazier every day. It was like a Flubber ball in my chest. I needed a release but nothing, not even my beloved exercise was helping diminish it. It just kept growing, I kept catastrophizing everything, I have always been an over thinker but jeez,  my mind was working like it was on a drip of speed!  I had even managed to convince myself I was bloody pregnant. I have been sterilised for fucks sake! It is pretty much impossible for it to even happen but in my head of course I was. Everything messes up when things start to go right for me, at least that is how I see things.

Instead of reaching out to the people I know are there to listen, the people who have made me promise to talk to them when I am like that, the worse I felt the more deeper I dug and buried my head. I thought if I could just pretend I was OK I would be. If I wanted to be happy I just had to think happy! WHEN WILL I LEARN?! This doesn’t work for me!!

I have not liked one thing about myself. I have felt fat, ugly, thick, guilty, miserable and a failure. I know I cant use my old coping technique, and I am very proud that I have not succumbed. It is just so damn hard though as I cant get my head round not being able to do something that works. I understand that it is wrong, but why does everything that feels so good have to be wrong? I know its all down to my control issues. I have taken an awful lot on over the last few weeks. I feel like I let go of a few balloons and the thought of going back to work, although I think I am ready to try, was a tipping point. I know that I am more than capable of having it all. What I cant seem to grasp a hold of is that I deserve it too. I keep thinking I am reaching too far. That my fingers will get burnt. How the hell am I meant to help others when I am such a big self sabotage?!

My problem is, well one of them before any cheeky buggar comments 😉 is that I keep thinking I can beat the system. That I am not that bad. I stopped taking my tablets. I had convinced myself I didn’t need them. Big mistake! I am holding my white flag now. I surrender. Not in the way that Depression will win. No Sir! Just that I know I am only human. Yes, I have done so well, I have come on leaps and bounds and I am getting stronger every day. But that is because I was doing as I was told. By professionals. Who know what they are talking about. I do not know better and I have had to learn this at my own cost. I am more angry with myself as I could have set myself back so far. For being strong enough to admit I am failing, even if it is 11 days too late is a big step for me. I hate being wrong, it doesn’t sit well with me, but for the sake of my kids, my family, my friends and most importantly ME, it has be said.

I need to accept, once and for all that this is not just a battle, it’s a war. There are no quick fixes, no tactical manoeuvres that I can make to get over the other side. I have to take each step. I have to learn the relevant lessons. I can’t continue to grow if I don’t. I wouldn’t be able to go on and do the job I really want to do if I am doing myself such a disservice. I need to be the proof that the system works. I need to show that if you are willing to open up you need to be willing to listen to advice. I do not want to be the massive hypocrite that I have been recently. I am not scared of hard work. So why am I procrastinating? Why am I acting like a little bitch? Simple answer – it’s all I have known. It is hard to train and lose weight and change your physical appearance, it’s a lot fucking harder to change the way your brain works!

So today I have slept. I have contemplated. I started to feel a bit sorry for myself. I did the gym and managed a PB (inner thighs of steel me!) but basically I have procrastinated. Then I gave myself a mental slap. Pity is not something I feel for myself nor should I. I CAN do this, I WILL do this. I just need to admit when I need a little bit extra help. I know its nothing to be ashamed of. I bloody campaign to remove stigma over it all yet I do it to myself. Madness!

Getting the email that I have passed my first unit of my Mental Health Awareness course has given me that chink of light back. See CC, you can do it! Tomorrow I am going to get back to being out the house all day. I will do my work in the library or wherever. I always get distracted at home and I need to form a routine again, especially being back at work. Yes I have a lot to do, yes I have taken a lot on but greatness and world domination does not come to those sat on their arses waiting. It might be stressful at times but great things come to those that get out and work for it. So that is what I am going to do. Because let’s face it, I am a pretty fucked up version of great as it is 😀

I love blogging! I will not leave it so long again!

CC xx

 

Welcome back Claire, we have been expecting you……

I know I write my blogs as CC, that will never change, it is kind of like an new extension to my personality now. However, I have always had the “real me” and the me that Depression controlled. For the first time in a long time I look in the mirror and in my eyes I see the “real me”. The smile on my face is Claire. The motivation and drive isn’t there just because I need it to be, it is now there because I want it to be. I feel happy, driven and you know what, bloody proud of myself!

Quite a lot has happened since my last blog, which sounds mad as it was only last week. Firstly, I did my 10km….. AND I LOVED IT!!!!! Official time was 1 hour 3 minutes and 15 seconds. I was surprised how easy I found it. I was actually skipping along at certain points, quite literally. It was my first time doing an organised race but I have most definitely got the buzz. So much so that I am seeing how many more I can squeeze in around my holidays before my Half Marathon. I want to do loads around the country. What a way to see new places! Meet new people! Have new adventures! My Half Marathon doesn’t seem so scary and impossible any more either! I know with training, the continued amazing coaching advice I have been getting and faith in myself, it will be an amazing achievement! Considering this time last year I never would have considered myself a runner, now I feel like a fully fledged member of the gang. That feeling when I crossed over the Finish line was just unbelievable. I felt like I could have just kept going. It made me realise one thing, nothing and no one will take away my love for this. My belief and love faltered for a while because of the negative side of my personality. Now I know for sure that that little voice has been booted right to the back of the line!

Alongside that I am also starting a Gateway Certificate in Skills for Sport & Active Leisure (Level 3) through a course Mind has introduced me to. I went along yesterday to see what it was all about, and considering what I had done the day before I bloody loved it! We did circuit training and although I do think my legs are seriously pissed off with me, especially after Bring Sally Up squats (ouch!) I managed remarkably well. Getting praised for excellent squat technique and perfect planking really made my day! I was nervous to be honest when I went in as I put a lot of pressure on myself with me training to be a PT but they were great. I think I will learn a lot from them in way of how it works and new techniques, routines etc. I am very excited. As well as this I have a meeting with a peer support networking group tomorrow. They are interested in my ideas about using exercise and fitness alongside mental health! I cant believe it! I know it’s a tiny step and I have a hell of a long way to go, but slowly and surely little pieces of the jigsaw are starting to slot in. Instead of telling myself to get a grip and calm down and think of all the bad things, I am just enjoying all the positive things that seem to be coming my way. I feel like the foundations of my empire have finally started. Digging out to lay the cement that keeps it all in place.

For once I walked into my counsellor with my head held high and a genuine smile on my face. I feel strong, I feel capable, I feel like I can do whatever I need to do. I questioned the fact that really this has all happened quite quickly considering, but as she made me see, everyone is different. I wanted to get better so I have been doing everything in my power to make sure I do. I have engaged in my own recovery since that very first day, I didn’t want to be a sufferer or a victim of my own mind. I wanted to kick it’s arse and come out fighting and that is exactly what I am doing! What is has done is unlocked a passion deep within me and I have grabbed that with both hands and ran (no pun intended but hey, if it works!). For all the bad shit Depression has given me, I have to look at all the good it has encouraged me to achieve. Raising money for Mind, doing something I do everyday any way in a sense, getting involved in volunteering which is starting to open up other doors which is absolutely amazing! Then there is my blog, which I love doing. My Mental Health awareness course as it became obvious to me that this is an area I 100% want to be part of. My motivation to make sure I complete my PT course. I have grown closer to people I thought I had drifted away from, I have seen others for what they really are, I have made new friends who are just as important to me as some of my oldest. My children are seeing their Mam with life in her eyes again. With a smile that reaches those eyes. A spring in her step and a reason for living that goes beyond them. They are my world but I am also reaching out and grabbing things for myself. I don’t use the word selfish anymore as it is so negative, I am doing and going for what I deserve!

My next counselling session will be my last I think, for the foreseeable future any way. How do I feel? Nervous, scared even. I really value her, she has been remarkable and helped me more than I could ever describe. I also feel strong and capable. I have learnt things about myself and how I can deal with certain things. I am aware of things I wasn’t before so this means I can read between the lines. I am learning to value myself as an individual with my own needs not just there for everyone else or a scapegoat when needed. I wont back down from what I want, what I believe in, what I want to do. I will support anyone, I will hold your hand and hug you when it is needed. I wont ever not be there for the people who want me, but it wont ever be to my own detriment anymore. I know I deserve the same in return. Guilt may try to take over but I can put her back in her box when I need to. She wont drag me back with her. Any one is welcome on my journey, but please don’t expect me to change direction to suit you. I wont do that any more.

I have said it before and I do believe it, this is something I will have to battle with all my life. I am aware and ready for the fight. Having dumped a hell of a lot of baggage over the last 14 weeks I am lighter on my feet and I can stand tall. I also throw a mean right hook! If I have a bad day then I will explore why, what has started this? I know the ways in which to approach it to feel better. If that is whole hog and keep busy all day then so be it, but if that is just simply to sleep or sit and watch shite films or tv then so be it. I know a lazy day, no matter how hard it is for me to do, wont set me back. In fact sometimes it is very much needed.

I feel happy, I feel positive and I feel back in control. I will be going back to work soon which is great in one way but also a bit daunting. I wont lie, because of the situation there and knowing its not what I want it’s going to be hard. I am looking forward to being back with my team though. Even if I no doubt will have drove them batty by the end of week 1. However at the same time if it wasn’t for what has happened I wouldn’t be on this path now. So in a weird way I should thank them. Although I think I’ll say under my breath.

I am off to get these foundations started any way. I’m in for a long, busy few months and for once, I cant fucking wait!!

Much Love

CC xx

Warts and all

If you look at my Instagram you can see my photos are often very similar, I have positioned myself in certain ways, I have filtered some things, I make sure the best bits are highlighted and I have a way of making sure any bad bits, parts I don’t like, are either not in the shot or are strategically covered. It’s the same with my Facebook and Twitter, Snapchat can often see me taking several shots before I post one that I like for others to see. The amount of photo’s on my actual camera that do not make the cut is quite mental to be honest, unless I can pass them off as me being pissed in them, or actually posting them when I am pissed. Not that this occurs often of course……. hahahaha yeah, OK!

My Instagram is very much my story of my journey from fat to fit, of my most recent fight with Depression, of my fitness achievements, with the odd motivational quote and shots of friends and family. A lot do go unfiltered, a lot of my transformation pictures include pictures which I hate have seen the light of day, but that tell quite a story for me. I am flattered I have followers, I love to get likes – who doesn’t? I post them mainly for myself though. To be able to look back on my journey, to see my weak points, to see my high points, to see the good and the bad times. The thing is though, I am still always very careful what I post. I still subconsciously post for acknowledgement though. I would be completely lying if I said I didn’t. I like when I get praised and complimented for my achievements. I like to be told I look good, whether I believe it myself or not. I am completely shit at accepting compliments but doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me feel a teeny bit, OK a lot, good hearing them. Does this make me shallow? Vain? An attention seeker? I am sure many people are sitting there nodding their head. I am sure many of even my closest friends and family have said those exact things. But I ask you this, please introduce me to a single person in this world who does not need some sort of validation in some way. If you can, I toff my cap to you, but I’ll tell you it’s a pile of bullshit!

I follow A LOT of social media fitness pages, fitness models, PT’s and sports people as well as slimming pages. Women’s Health magazine is my new Bible, I read it cover to cover every month. I watch shite TV with “good looking” people, wishing I had their stomach, boobs, lips etc. You cant help it. That is the society we live in now. Plain and simple. However, I am starting to take much more interest in the story behind these photo’s, stories and people. As my daughter gets older I becoming much more aware of the pressures that are on her lovely shoulders. I know how conscious I was about how I looked when I was a teenager and all we had was peoples actual comments. I can not imagine being overtaken with dickhead hormones whilst looking at women with thigh gaps, an 8 pack, DD boobs with a 28 inch waist and hair that would put a genuine mermaid to shame! To be honest, I am 32 and these things put a lot of pressure on me! Especially with the likes of Davina McCall, Jennifer Aniston (I admit, I may have a MASSIVE crush on her) and as annoying as she is, Gwyneth Paltrow. These women are over 10 years older than me with the bodies of women 10 years younger!

Do you know what though? I wont take away how hard they work and how much they work out. I am sure a lot of what they have achieved is perfectly achievable for the average lass. I bet it is a damn sight easier with  lot of money, endless endorsement deals and some of the best people in the game wanting to help you.

What I want is my daughter, my children, to be fit and healthy. I don’t want them to focus on what they look like to the point that it is detrimental to their health. To the point that it is the main focus of their day to day life. To the point that their achievements are all rated against superficial ranking systems. I want them to be fit in a strong sense. I want them to exercise because it is good for their physical and mental health. I want them to enjoy doing it. I want them to eat good food, try new foods but I want them to have the knowledge of nutrition so they can enjoy everything they want to but have the awareness of what overeating the wrong choices can do.

My daughter has grown up watching me weigh myself daily, try new “fad” diets every other week, give up on exercise when things got too hard. She has seen me at my biggest and most miserable, she has seen me at my thinnest and most miserable. Now though, I am proud she is seeing what positive changes I am making and I am hoping I am starting to influence her in a good way instead of an obsessive, unhealthy way. She is one of the fussiest people I know when it comes to food so healthy eating will always be a bit of a task but I am proud that she has awareness of what is and isn’t good for her. I might have fucked up big style with myself but at least I have tried to get it right with her. She loves all fruit and veg, will pick yoghurts over sweets. I just hope what she has seen that I thought I was hiding well, does not have the adverse effect on her. I will do anything I can to ensure it hasn’t.

She has shown interest in running with me which made my day! We walked in the other day and she was doing yoga! I was so proud! She had got up and done this off her own back (thank you YouTube, you can be a massive plus point when you want!). So it shows me that I am starting to make a difference, one tiny step at a time. Being at senior school is also having its influences, but as long as they are positive ones I will encourage them as much as I possibly can.

I have agreed that when she turns 13 she can have social media like Facebook and Instagram. I wont lie, I am absolutely bricking it! I know I have been very strict about it and to a point she has been so accepting. I do get the odd comment or backlash from being so adamant but as a bit of a soft touch at times it was the one thing I refused to back down on. In these last few months before a part of me dies inside, I need to get my act together and make sure she knows how gorgeous she is and that she is clued up on all the reality of it. Today, I did a big thing, for me. I posted a true and honest picture of myself. Of the worst part in my opinion of me, which you can see attached to this blog post. My belly, stretch marks and rolls the lot. No filter, no camera angle magic, just me, sat normal in front of my mirror. I cringed like mad but at the same time I felt an air of brave for posting it. I have worked damn hard to get where I am, why the fuck should I not be happy with where I am? I have a way to go which I accept, but you know what, I am kind of looking forward to the rest of the journey. I want to bring my family along for the ride.

After all – STRONG IS THE NEW SKINNY.

Now, on that note I’m off to the gym 😀

Laters

CC xx

I’m so full of shit

Today, although I am generally pretty ok in myself, I feel like I need to give my head a wobble and probably need to give myself a brief but effective slap on the mush. I am feeling so pathetic and needy and to be honest, if people are not half as fed up with the shite that comes out my gob, or through my fingers to be more accurate on social media, as I am with what goes on in my head, well you are more patient and understanding than I am!

At the moment I feel like I talk a good talk, and lets face it, I can talk! But when it comes to walking the walk, I feel like a genuine phoney. I feel like I am proper winging it and hoping no one realises that really I am not meant to be here. I should be sat in my chair at work, keeping out of trouble, not complaining about feeling shit and miserable, no thoughts of grandeur or ideas above my station. I should be going about my everyday life as I always have done, not thinking I am someone special who is going to change the world one day. Who the hell do I think I am? Come on CC, please, get a grip!

I have all these ambitions, aspirations and ideas. All these things I want to do and achieve, all these things I want to see and places I want to visit. Yet, here I am, having just got dressed and brushed my hair a whole 3 hours AFTER I actually got out the bath because I just couldn’t be arsed to move. Yes, I have sorted the kids this morning, well Noah as Bailey is self sufficient, and when I say sorted I mean I got him dressed and took him to his childminders. Yes, I went to the gym and OK, yeah, my workout was good and I did push myself as I had a rest day yesterday, but since I got home, fuck all. That’s what I have done, sweet FA! I would love to say that yeah at least I feel better for it, sometimes I need to do this, blah blah blah, but no. No I don’t. I was just being completely and utterly lazy!

I feel all disconnected with myself again, I feel like sections of me are not on the same level as others and it is making me feel very mixed up. Yes I truly do want all these things I am aiming for, but no, I cant be arsed to do anything about it today. I should. I want to even, but I just don’t have the energy or motivation. My own fault as I know if I stop for those 5 minutes too long I go on the wrong side of myself and that is exactly what I have done. Talked myself into thinking that these extra 5 minutes are OK, when I know for a fact they are not.

I am fed up of being at war with myself now. Why wont the miserable pessimistic bitch side of me pipe the fuck down for a while and just let me enjoy what I am doing and what I have achieved so far? Why does she feel the need to get the Self Doubt train chugging in at every station so I cant even think about what I have done but instead thinking about what I surely cant possibly do? I KNOW I can do this 10k no problem, I know I will love it and enjoy it and feel mega proud of myself! Why am I seriously starting to believe otherwise? Why am I letting one unfortunate event, one which I managed to walk myself out of and get myself back in control I might add, knock my confidence so far down? Why is running  not working for me at the moment? Exercise is, but not running. Please Depression, I am begging on my knees here, do not take away the one true thing that has saved me this year. Do not do this to me. Do not bring your best bud Anxiety to the table. She is not welcome! I am a decent person who is working hard, please just Off You Fuck!!

The event in question isn’t a massive one by anyone’s standards but to me it really did knock me. I was on my second outside run since I got back off my holidays (I have been gyming it but not running apart from HIIT) and everything was going OK. I had found the day before difficult but that was to be expected, especially as I haven’t been outside for a while. I wanted to enjoy this one, go that little bit further, it is actually quite surprising how much your levels can dwindle even after a relatively small amount of time away from “training”. To begin with I was, my mind was starting to clear, my body wasn’t feeling so tight, but then for some reason I seemed to fall out of pace and I found I couldn’t catch my breath properly. My standard pace is quite quick so it seems and I am trying to slow things down a tad in order to be able to train more efficiently for my Half Marathon in October (which seems impossible right now!) so I dropped back a bit, yet I still couldn’t catch my breath. I started to panic! Now I know no one likes not being able to breath but I have quite a fear of it. I struggle to swim more than what would be required to save myself, I cant have things over my face, even for a brief moment, if I am in very confined spaces, especially with no windows I start to get edgy. So when I couldn’t catch my breath, for seemingly no reason, it scared the shit out of me! My chest started to tighten, my breath was shallow, I started to get light headed and tingly. I knew what was happening as I have had one before – I was starting to have a panic attack. Luckily I knew the signs, I was able to drop back to a slow walk, I steadied my walking pace and this helped steady my breathing. I started counting as I was inhaling and exhaling, managing longer each time until I could feel the tightness in my chest dwindle. I started to think more clear again and I managed to finish my distance. It sure as hell knocked me for 6 though. It was so unexpected and unexplainable.

This caused me a night of worry, of over thinking, of over analysing. A night of telling myself I was shit. Who did I think I was planning all these events when I couldn’t even run a 5km? I had to get up and go out the next morning straight away as I knew right there, right then that if I didn’t get out and prove to myself it was just a bad day, I would not get back out for a very long time, if ever again. So I got out and I did. I struggled a bit to begin with but I powered through. It wasn’t my longest, it wasn’t my fastest but I did what I needed to do. Then on Saturday I did it again, after a day of drinking for my cousins wedding. If I can do that after that then what the hell am I so worried about?

I need the positive, ambitious side of CC to prevail. I need her to fight, not back down to the sarcastic, dominant, over bearing side who has let mental ill health beat her. The reason I do these blogs is for personal gain. Writing all this shit down makes me see what I am doing, where I am going wrong. It helps bring a bit more clarity to the situation and gauge where I am. I can see which bits of me I need to work on, which bits I need to tone down, which bits of me are seeming to be dropping back into the shadows. It is all well and good getting compliments, praise, words of support – I love it and appreciate it all sooo much more than anyone can imagine. But I need to stop being such a whingey, needy bitch and actually start to believe what people are telling me! I don’t say things I don’t mean, I don’t give false praise, empty words of support or compliments I don’t mean so why do I think anyone else would? Seriously CC, get a grip!

I CAN AND I WILL, WATCH ME!

Those words are to me, myself and I!

Thank you to those that believe in me, have never ending patience with me when I know all you want to do is give me a shake and tell me to shut the fuck up! Thanks to those that support me, offer me words of encouragement and to those that love me. Just for being me. Even when Me is an absolute nightmare!

I love you all so much

CC xx

A Promise To My Children

Bailey and  Noah, my truly beautiful angels. You drive me completely insane most of the time, for very different reasons! Yet when I look at you both I know deep in my heart that despite all my many faults and issues, I got 2 things in my life completely right. I could not be more proud of the both of you and I feel so lucky every single day. Yep, even when I have turned into a screaming banshee and look like my head is going to explode.

Bailey, you are my quiet, thoughtful brainbox who unfortunately has her mothers temper and moods, sorry babes! You can be the sweetest girl this world has ever seen and you are truly beautiful. You try your best at everything you do, you work hard and have such an amazing imagination, especially now you have steered away from the songs about dead people walking up hills. That was a rather interesting stage of parenthood I must admit lol. I cant quite believe that it is only 6 month away until you are a fully fledged teenager! Watching you grow from a stunning little Maggie Simpson into such a lush young lady makes my heart explode with love. I know you will always be a Daddy’s girl, as long as you know how much I love you.

I am sorry I have had issues being close to you over the years. I know I don’t give out hugs willy nilly and can seem hard to approach sometimes. This has never ever been about you I swear, they are my issues and when you are older I will explain to you how I felt and a bit of why I am the way I am. I know you read these blogs occasionally (please do not copy my foul language! Be a lady!) so maybe you already have a slight understanding. For you to have turned out so amazingly with what you have had to deal with in your life so far, well it is a complete testament to what a strong, savyy, headstrong lass you are. You take things on the chin, you see things and form your own opinion and god help anyone who tries to change that opinion! You always see the bigger picture and you love with all your heart, deep and pure. You may have got my competitive streak, x10, but one thing you also got was never ending patience. You are just my perfect girl and I love you with every inch of my being, forever and always.

Noah, you are my crazy, hyper, chatty Wreck It Ralph. From the minute you open your eyes I swear you do not stop! Your passion for life, your interest in everything around you, your ability to be insane when the world is so serious, it is refreshing and  impossible not to get caught up in your infectious behaviour. Alongside this you are always a complete and utter sweetheart. You give the biggest sloppy kisses, the tightest cuddles and you make me feel whole. You squeeze together all of Mammy’s broken bits. I am sorry you have had to see me upset sometimes, I know how much it hurts you to see me cry, but please know that you never fail to make me smile and laugh. When you sit on my knee and wipe away my tears I swear my heart breaks.

I cant believe you are about to start school soon! Where has my cheeky little Noahski baby gone? Time really does fly. It seems like yesterday you were taking your first steps along the patio in Turkey. I wont lie, as much as I hate how quick time is going, I cant wait for you to start school! To start your new chapter of life, to watch you grow, learn and develop, and also in the hope that I may start drinking slightly less! lol You definitely keep me on my toes son but you are the sunshine on a rainy day. Those bright blue eyes have me wrapped around your little finger and you bloody know it! Don’t ever change Bot Bot, you are absolutely perfect in every way and I love you with all my heart and soul. You will always be Mammy’s boy.

I promise to you both that I will get through this dark time. I promise that it wont always be a house of wondering what mood Mam is in today. I promise that although I will never be a Mary Poppins type Mam, I will try my hardest to make every day special in some way, no matter how small. I promise to make sure you both know how absolutely amazing you are and how grateful I am that you are mine. I promise fun and laughter and memories. I promise I will get better!

I am sorry you have to see me cry, to see me at my worst, to hear me and your Dad argue. I am sorry for my  crazy moods and my shocking lack of patience as well as my complete lack of interest in things. I will fight every day to turn this round so you can see happy Mam, with a passion for what she does. I want to help you learn and develop and experience new places and adventures. I want to be by your side through every single important event and moment in your life. I want to be honest and open and a house of conversation. We wont always agree, you will hate my decisions sometimes but I swear they will always be in your best interests. I want you both to be able to talk to me about absolutely anything at all. I want you to know that there is nothing in this world that could ever stop me loving you.

I know this journey has been really tough and I thank you so much for never giving up on me. For loving me unconditionally. For allowing me to be your Mam. I promise our future looks bright. Mammy is building an empire and you are going to be so bloody proud of her. One thing though, you will never be as proud of her as she is of you!

Thank you my beautiful babies, for being absolutely perfect.

I love you

Mammy