Insecurities – Ruining lives since day dot

As usual it has been a while. Life has been busier than ever and I don’t think I let myself breathe properly never mind write anymore, but I need to. I need this. My brain feels so full and the only way I know how to empty it is to spout whatever needs to come out.

There are so many amazing things happening in my life at the moment. I smashed the Great North run – 2 hours 29 minutes! I have now left my job, I am a fully fledged full time uni student and Red Balloons is going from strength to strength very quickly! These are amazing, they are the foundations of my future, I am working damn hard to make sure they are a success and I will do anything and everything I can to continue to build a solid reputation and help as many people as I can.

So yeah, great things are occurring. But that doesn’t mean that I am “recovered” or “better”. To be honest the more the good stuff happens, the more I become acutely aware of just how bad the bad stuff still is. The main massive issue at the moment – no matter what I do, no matter how proud of certain things I may be, plain and simply – I hate myself.

Harsh and blunt – but also very true. I despise what I see in the mirror. I constantly pick faults with myself, yet put myself out there as I crave attention I suppose, even if I disagree with everything that is said. It is such a weird mindset to be in, I cant explain it properly. I hate compliments, I never know how to accept them, yet I NEED them. I don’t feel self worth so it is like I need to hear others and what they say. It’s not about what I look like in total honesty, it is about me as a person.

I put myself in stupid situations because I don’t think. It’s like so much is going right i my life that my brain cant cope and it wants to elbow drop the Big Red Button of self destruction. I know how to cope with misery and failure. I don’t know how to manage success and happiness.

How screwed up am I please?!

Thing is, hurting myself, although thankfully not physically, is one thing. When I start to hurt other people, that is a whole different matter though. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. I don’t have it in me. Yet all actions have consequences and I need to realise this ASAP before my own damage causes damage to other people. The thing with mental illness is, it has the capacity to infiltrate your whole life, and poison your environment. It affects your loved ones, your children, your family, your friends, anyone who is around you. If you’re like me, you do realise that you are doing shit things and you push away, you do anything to cause a big space around you as you feel you deserve to hurt, to get loads of shit, but you don’t want anyone else to get hit from the bullets. It is like firing a gun at a mirror image of yourself but not knowing which way the bullets are going to go. You cant guarantee you’ll hurt yourself but someone WILL get hurt.

Yes, I give myself a hard time but that is who I am. I deserve to. I cant pretend that just because I try my hardest to make a difference, to help others and to improve my life, that I am a good person all round. I am flawed. I am damaged goods. It takes a hell of a strong willed person to be around me and deal with all my bullshit.

Do I ever think these things will change? I hope so! I will work my hardest to change them, but I cant change the fundamentals of me. Is that going to be the undoing of me? Is that going to be my downfall? Or is that what is ultimately going to make me come back stronger than ever? Time will tell.

I don’t believe in luck anymore. You make your own luck. So therefore it is time I knuckled down, stopped lying to myself and get myself to where I NEED to be. No on lose can get me there! I need to be busy as that is my coping mechanism. Today will be as full as absolutely possible, so I fall into bed at the end of the day, utterly exhausted. In a way that is my version of self harm I suppose, especially now I don’t binge and purge any more. Today it needs to be done.

Thanks for listening.

CC xx

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One of those days!

I don’t know if I would like to class myself as “lucky”, but I have had a good run of good days. Actually no, great days to be fair! Considering it is the school holidays and with being off work still, lack of routine often messes me up completely, I have managed quite well. Being so busy with Red Balloons, enrolling at uni and my Great North Run training has definitely helped (not actually sure how I had time to go to work!).

I suppose this is why I am taking this bad day a bit harder than I should or normally would. It has completely snuck up on me. I could have just pretended I was OK and got on with things but I have genuinely learnt a lot through my CBT and about myself recently. It would not be fair to myself. or to anyone that follows me and what I do if I lied. I am getting good and celebrating the good days, where I used to spend them expecting the worst. In the spirit of being a genuine mental health campaigner though, I cant and I wont, give up being honest.

Now, first off, my bad days are considerably different to what they were. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to not exist, I don’t spend all day thinking how pathetic/useless/worthless/ugly/fat and all the rest, I am. I can still recognise that I have a lot of pretty amazing stuff going and I appreciate that under all this fog, I will still be excited. The light IS at the end of the tunnel, I just seem to have ran back a bit for some reason. So it is a bit further away than it was the other day.

Ironically, considering I blog, I am not the best at actually describing things so I will do my best to explain how I feel.

I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel like it is too much effort to turn the corners of my mouth up and smile even though I know for a fact it will make me feel better. I don’t want to get out of bed (actually blogging from there right now) yet I feel like I should be doing loads of stuff. I haven’t ran yet and I feel crap but at the minute I just don’t have the energy. I am finding it hard to concentrate, even on mind numbing TV like Homes under the Hammer. My attention is distracted easily. I caught myself scrolling through social media and not having a clue what I had even seen!

So, here comes the pathetic part (in my opinion). I just want a cuddle. I want someone to look after me. I know I have people who love and care for me, but I want to feel like I matter. It is irritating the crap out of me even writing this! But this is how I feel. I feel like I want and need to cry but the tears wont come. I want someone to take everything off my shoulders, just for a little while. I want to fussed and made to feel special. I don’t want to feel like I am expected to do everything myself. I want to be a first thought in someone’s mind, because of who I am, not what I do.

Eurgh!! I hate it when I am like this. I am strong, independent woman, and I really am! But here is the truth, I DO need people. I do need support. I do need to feel wanted. I need to feel needed. I don’t want any more babies and I never will, but for the first time I miss my babies being babies. All I wanted this morning was to have them laid on my shoulder like they used to, listening to their little breath in my ear and watching their tiny fingers curl and uncurl. Smelling that unique baby smell.

In that moment I was someone’s whole universe. Although both my experiences were very different, I know now I didn’t appreciate those moments fully. I even miss the middle of the night moments where it felt like we were the only people in the world. The deep, dark silence but content that they were exactly where they needed to be. The only time I think I have ever liked silence if I think about it. Silence is normally my enemy.

I hope this is just hormones. I really do. Although I hate Mother Nature, I need her to make an appearance as I know that if she does, everything will make sense and I will feel a sense of relief. Everything will make sense again. I hate that I keep snapping at people, especially Noah. My already restricted level of patience is hanging on by a thread and although I hate this miserable feeling, the anger stage is even worse and I don’t want that to surface. I may be nicer these days but I still have the potential to be most horrible bitch you have EVER met.

I just cant be arsed with this crap in general. So now I have had my whinge I need to turn things round. I accept I am having a bad day, but I don’t have to let it grow and become worse. I need to self care. If that is lying in bed until I can be arsed to run, so be it. If it is doing Red Balloons work then I will. I know my idea of self care is a bit crazy to some people, but it is all better than nothing. Maybe I will take some daft selfies? What I will do though is keep being honest. I wont hide away. I will reach out to my friends if I need to. If anyone wants to take on the task of making me laugh, I encourage that you do!

Normally, old CC would have apologised for being like this and even writing this. But this one wont. I am human. I cant help sometimes being an angry, upset mess of a woman. Sometimes I think we need to throw a gigantic pity party!! With loads of wine and shots and chocolate and parmo. Cheesy music, questionable dancing and even worse singing! That is the BEST part of being a lass I think! Faye, we need to sort this!

I love blogging. I feel a bit better already. Kind of like I have gave myself a good talking to. I have taken a few deep breathes and will just take today hour by hour. No actual plans. Just, be and do.

For anyone who is feeling it today, we are in this together.

It really is ok not to be ok!

Love

CC xx

 

You’re more than a piece of paper!

It’s that time of year again, RESULTS DAY!

The day that students nationwide find out how they did over the last year. I can barely remember mine to be honest but then I suppose it was a century ago! No in all seriousness, I can’t but I’m not sure why. Maybe I was that anxious my brain has kind of deleted it, or maybe I was incredibly chilled as at that point I was an “adult” and it didn’t matter? I’d do what I wanted any way and I had found the joys of alcohol and boys! Nothing else really mattered now I finally had a taste of freedom that many of my friends had had for a couple of years before me.

If I look back, yes I know I could have done better. Up until the last year I suppose I have given myself a hard time for “messing up” and basically living my life arse over tit. But, and it is a Kim Kardashian of a but, I didn’t mess up! I know that now!

It can seem like those results on that sheet of paper are your whole existence, crammed into a few grades. Yes, I know that for certain courses and futures, grades are important, to a degree (pun not intended but suitably amusing). The thing is, that sheet of paper is just 1 tiny fraction of who you are. If you have got what you need, CONGRATULATIONS!! That is truly fantastic and I wish you all the luck and success in the future.

However, here is the important part. If you haven’t, it might seem like it, but it is NOT the end. You are NOT a failure. You are NOT a disappointment. You are you. And in the words of Dr Suess, no one can be youer than you! You have so much more to offer than a few grades. There are always other options. There is always an alternative route. There are always people who will love and support you for WHO you are, not what grades you got.

OK, I got decent grades. I just didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life. Well except for have fun and do all the things that I felt I had missed out on growing up. So I basically just bumbled through life. Now I look back though and I think, these experiences, the job roles I have had, have all shaped me in some way. They have gave me skills that I may not have otherwise gained. My favourite part is the people who I have in my life though, because of these jobs. Hand on heart I am in touch with practically no one from school or college, apart from being “Facebook friends” maybe. Let’s be honest, I am certainly not the person they will have known either, looks wise and the rest (I like to think I have slightly improved with age!)

Bar Manager. Travel Agent. Business Support Officer. These are the roles I had. Good roles, for large organisations. I got there on my own merit and in some of them worked my way up from the bottom. I did that! NOT my grades at school. Me! Through hard work, through my personality, through wanting to do a good job and not letting anyone else in my team down.

But here is the best thing about my little education story, well in my opinion anyway. I am a 33 ( nearly 34) year old, I have a nearly 14 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. I have mental health problems – Depression and Anxiety mainly BUT I am about to embark on possibly the biggest educational challenge I have had to date. I am going to university! Yep, me!

Yeah I am concerned for various reasons but I have worked hard over the last year to get to this position. So what if I am in my 30’s? I think this actually gives me an edge. I have life experience. Jeez do I?! I am learning because I WANT to, not because my family or society EXPECT me to. I know exactly what I want the end result to be so I can focus and keep my eye om the prize. I know exactly what route I need to take. In fact I am as in control as I think anyone at this point could be.

Whatever happens at university though, I know now who I am. I am beginning to realise my self worth. All the things that have happened in my life have happened for a reason and I believe finally, despite all the pain, anger and suffering I have endured, I am on the right path.

You have to make mistakes sometimes to learn. You have to experience failure to really highlight to yourself what you want. Were you bothered that you failed at so and so? No? Then ask yourself if it was the right thing for you. Yes? Then you know that that is what you want and you start again! Life is not a computer game. There is no limit to the amounts of “Start Again”. Keep going until you get to where you WANT to be.

If you don’t know what you want yet, that is OK! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. And certainly do not live your life for someone else. It is great that your Dad wants you to be a doctor, but, do you??

Age is but a number. Grades are but a letter/word. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to be happy.

You may not be feeling what I am saying right now, but please keep it in the back of your mind. If you feel down, hopeless, worthless or upset, if you feel anxious and scared for the future, reach out for help. There will always be someone there to listen.

If things haven’t gone the way you wanted today, there is always tomorrow. Always a blank page. Always a Plan B.

Love

CC xx

 

Bucking the trend!

I was reading an article in Women’s Health while I was away about how we don’t “blow our own trumpet” enough and are more likely to dismiss our achievements in order to conform to what society expects us to be like.

I am here today, on this blog to say – sod that!!

If you read this and think I am so far up my own backside then fair enough. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and I certainly don’t appeal to everyone! But today is about me celebrating me! I am my own worst enemy generally, I give myself way too hard a time, slag myself off, put myself down and just generally treat myself like crap 90% of the time. It’s sad but it is very true. I would NEVER treat another person the way I treat myself so why I think it is ok is a mystery to me. Maybe most of it is my mate Depression and his equally horrible bestie Anxiety. They really do have a sick ability to warp your mind! But then maybe a lot of it has been my past experiences and the way my brain has been “trained” to think over the years. I have never ever felt good enough in any aspect of my life. Never clever enough, never pretty enough, never nice enough, etc etc etc. I am sick to death of never being enough so today I am going to prove to MYSELF that I am enough. In fact, I can be pretty damn amazing at times!

So, it’s been 1 month since I last posted on here. I have missed the clicky clack of the keys way more than I realised. In that month, it has been a whirlwind! So, in no particular order, here are a few things I have achieved:

  • Passed my Access to Higher Education with a Merit overall! This means I am OFFICIALLY starting University to study Psychology next month! WOW!
  • I am meeting with the PR people of the Great North Run today as part of Red Balloons and Mind volunteer as they possibly want to use my story as promotional material! They will be filming and interviewing me and people who have kindly agreed to say a few nice things about what I am doing. Nervous as hell!
  • Red Balloons is sponsoring a match ball for the local football team
  • I pitched at Stockton Soup and managed to raise £160 from donations as well as gain some fantastic contacts.
  • Permission has been granted to run my Community Rounders Tournament on Bank Holiday and so far interest has been good!
  • I have been accepted onto a level 2 distance learning course in Counselling Skills
  • I have been chosen as a Mind Media Awards Shortlister for the Entertainment category! Not only do I get to read some simply inspirational stories, I get an opinion on who may win an award! I also get an invite to the awards themselves in November!

I look over that list and in one way I feel like I am reading about someone else. But no, that is all me! I have other projects in the pipeline too around helping mental health in my local area. I am so proud! I don’t do any of this for acknowledgement, but I deserve to be proud and feel comfortable shouting about what I am doing because I work damn hard! I FINALLY truly love what I do, and the fact that I can help others, well that alone is the biggest accomplishment I could ever ask for!

August is not going to be the quiet time that I was expecting and I am actually over the moon about that. I love being busy, I love being useful. I love brainstorming ideas, meeting people, discussing ideas and every single day growing a little bit more.

I have just come back from a 2 week unexpected holiday and for the first time in 2 years, I properly let myself go. I ate what I wanted, I drank enough to sink a fleet of ships and I didn’t really exercise at all. The thoughts were there but I just didn’t. Yes, yesterday had me feeling crappy especially as an epic headache put a pause on my first planned run. I was starting to slip into that place where I would wallow and this in turn would end up with me in a bad place. That I can spot these things now is an amazing thing for me. It shows I am finally getting the hang of controlling my thoughts a bit more (thank you CBT!) So, I made a plan! Not a detailed one as I realise I have been putting far too much pressure on myself.

I set my alarm for 430am and surprisingly got up without even snoozing my alarm once! I had my usual bucket of black coffee then laced up my trainers and got out for my first run in over 2 weeks. I was stiff, it was difficult but 2 miles later and I was done! Yes, I set off too fast but so what? Yes I ache now, but to me that is a pain of satisfaction! And I know what I need to work on. I was honestly beginning to think I had lost my love of running but I know now I had just dulled my spark. I was focusing on the wrong things and beating myself up every time I thought I had failed. There is no such thing as failure if you simply try! Sometimes trying is the hardest thing you will do in a day.

So there we go. CC’s trumpet has been well and truly blown today and I personally think it was a hell of a good tune! It does feel weird and I will no doubt feel like a self obsessed idiot when I publish this (Rome wasn’t built in a day after all) but I bucked the trend. I gave a proverbial finger to anyone who thinks it is wrong to shout about how awesome you are!

Thanks Depression, you are definitely changing me for the better! Whether you like it or not! Thank goodness for my stubborn streak  😉

Love

CC xx

I’m still here….

My poor blog. I really tend to neglect it a bit at the moment. I’d like to say that it’s because things are going amazingly but in reality, although there are some amazing things happening, a lot of it has been pretty crap.

OK, hands up, I decided after a mess up at the pharmacy and me spitting my dummy out, I would go cold turkey and stop my anti depressants. I always like to think I know better and blah blah blah, but lets face it, if that was the case I wouldn’t be the “unique” individual I am. I need my medication. There, I said it!

I am not saying I am ashamed of taking them, I have been vocal that I have been on them. I just didn’t want to actually take them. In typical CC style I rushed the whole thing and assumed I felt better when in actual fact I was very far from ok. The thing with the tablets is they work so well when I am taking them, they gave me a false sense of confidence. Well, I learnt the hard way!

I have been back on them over a week now and thankfully my mood seems to be restabilising so normal services shall resume shortly. Or as normal as they get for me anyway. I have managed to complete my nutrition course so all I have to do over the summer is finish my PT qualification and continue trying to grow Red Balloons, which incidentally is going slow but well! For me, that really is a small load and in a way I am wondering if I can cope with 6 weeks of complete wind down. I wonder what else I can add to my load 😉

I know I want to do more public speaking, I want people to see the passion and belief face to face in what I am doing and why. I want people to hear my story and see that I am a typical lass, who has unfortunately suffered over the course of her life but who has managed to (sometimes only just) cling onto life with her tips of her fingers. I want to go into schools and workplaces and spread the word.

It’s only a tiny blog today. I don’t even think I will publish it on social media. I have a lot to say but nothing all at the same time and it’s a weird feeling. I just wanted to do a tiny wave and say, I am still here. I still need this blog, I just don’t know how to approach it at the moment.

I hope if you are reading this, you are in an ok place. If you are not, don’t be afraid to reach out. The first step is always the scariest.

CC xx

“How are you?”

How are you? A compulsory day to day question! Everyone should ask at least one person a day this very question and actually MEAN IT! Then actually listen to the answer, don’t just hear the words though, look at the eyes, acknowledge the body language. See if the non verbal communication matches the verbal response.

But, and here is my conundrum,  what do you say when, to be completely honest, you don’t actually have any idea how you are?! That is where I am right now. Where I have been for much of this past week to be fair. I am not bad, I don’t think. I have loads going on and to be honest, a lot of it is incredibly positive! I am working hard, reaching out to people, being brave, or as I like to put it, not being a shy bairn. The worst thing that anyone can say is No. I can handle rejection, I’ve certainly had enough of it *ahem*.

But I feel, empty. Not sad, not angry, not confused (well no more than I usually am haha) but not particularly happy, relaxed or excited either. And I know I SHOULD be! I kind of just feel like I am existing at the moment. Which, don’t get me wrong, from some of the places I have been in my head, this is still a great thing! I want more than that! I want my moods to reflect what is going on in my life. What I am grafting my arse off to achieve!

Am I doing my whole self preservation thing again? Am I not so much expecting the worst at the forefront of my mind, but also not feeling very secure with where I am actually am? Thing is, and I know CBT is helping me slowly with this, but as I have said many times before *yawn* how the hell can I change 33 years of a certain way of thinking? Where, lets be honest, most things have fucked up!

The last few days I have been listening to more Elvis Presley again. Screenshot_20180615-123305.jpgStarted off by a programme I came across on TV. Thing is, I don’t always make the connection but after some reflecting in the bath this morning, I realise that when I am not feeling the best, or where I feel a bit lost with myself, I go back to him and his music. His voice, so familiar, so comforting. I may be a little raver girl, but Elvis is my one first, true love. Thing is, as much as he is a massive comfort, a massive musical hug, as much as he can make me feel safe and smile, he can also make me cry. Very much. There are a few songs that no matter what mood I am in, they reduce me to childlike sobbing. Yet, the pull of them, I cant resist. It’s like a compulsion, I HAVE to listen to them.

  • American Trilogy – absolute shoulder shaking sobbing
  • The Wonder of You – if you know, you know why. A VERY important song from my past.
  • Always on my Mind – love many versions of this song, but this one is the only one that brings the tears
  • Separate Ways – heart breaking. If you haven’t listened to it and actually HEARD the words, I urge you do!

There is an important day coming up this week, and to be honest I didn’t think I cared, although it seems maybe I do. Maybe after that day, the frustrating clouds will break again.

Fathers Day.

Now, I wrote a blog, a letter to my Dad last year. And I still stand by everything I wrote. I have drawn a line under that part of my life as much as I possibly can. And I have truly stopped blaming myself for all that. It was NOT my fault he was who he was, I was no less of a daughter just because I was not enough to be a choice over alcohol. But, hand on heart, I miss him. A lot. Not the greasy alcoholic he will no doubt be, if he is still alive. But my Daddy. The thing that pains me the most is, I never got to say goodbye. The last things I said to him were not very nice, yes he was being a dick, but I never knew that when  I walked away that day, I would never ever see or hear from him again. How do you honestly deal with that??

Yes, I miss my Nana more than words could EVER describe but I know I have somewhere I can go to feel close to her. I can talk to her when I need to (although I haven’t for a long time and I don’t know why 😦 ) and at times I can hear her voice, see her face as clear as the last time I saw her and feel her. With my Dad, I cant. As every day goes by, I lose a little bit more of him. It’s like my memories are starting to fade out, like that scene at the end of a film. I suppose that is why Elvis is so important to me and always will be. It is the only thing I have left of him.

Don’t get me wrong, it does help that Elvis was the most gorgeous man to ever walk this planet, with a voice like Galaxy chocolate! It’s certainly not like its a hardship loving him so much!

Ah there it is, my fail safe humour mechanism kicking in. The one I use every time I feel like I am getting too emotional. The thing is, it is one of my mind protecting qualities. I am not quite strong enough, even to this day. I think there are some things, some emotions I am just not ready to fully tackle. Just yet.

Maybe I just needed a bloody good cry. As much as you all know I hate it, sometimes it is like a cleansing thing. There is a lot in my life I cant change, many questions I have to accept I will never get answered. But I have to accept that I am allowed to feel this way. I am allowed to miss him, I am allowed to wonder what would have happened if things were different, I am allowed to feel that twinge of jealousy when I see ‘happy’ families. I am allowed to feel anger, hurt, disgust even.

I need to remember that I don’t have to pretend to always be the strong, independent one. It is ok to want my Dad, to want my Nana, to want a hug, to break down and cry and, yeah, as much as it sticks in my throat, to feel sorry for myself. I don’t want pity, I don’t deserve it. But I can have oh woah is me moments. It does not make me any less of a person, it doesn’t make me selfish or self indulgent. It makes me human. And I am, as much as I hate to admit it, I am human. I have feelings and emotions and I am fragile at times.

So, how am I? Well, I still don’t know to be fair. Crying, yes. Wanting a hug that will glue all my broken bits back together, oh yes please!

But yeah, I’m not bad.

Love

CC xx

Right now…

Screenshot_20180530-184654.jpg

This blog is inspired by the lovely FearneCotton. I am just on reading her book, Happy (having only had it nearly a year I am sure) and the part on being in the now really spoke to me. I am an absolute buggar for thinking of EVERYTHING, apart from the here and now. I can tell you how I used to think and what happened and I can tell you what I want to happen and how I feel about things that haven’t and might not even happen yet. But I am a nightmare at being able to vocalise how I am, right now, in a moment.

So, lets give it a go! As an added bonus, today has been a canny day so hopefully you wont get the spiel of whinge that you normally get when reading one of my blogs 😉 (and yes I am aware that was a derogative comment against myself, I need to give my wrist a slap!)

So, right now. Oooo this is already quite daunting! Lets start with the physical, the fact! I am sat in my little office space, in the what was once Noah’s bedroom before he became a man child and accrued more toys than the shelves of Toys r Us. We had to have a house swap around as a single bed wont fit for love nor money in this room, so I decided to nab it and make it my own little “safe space”. I have it all set up just how I like it, quirky but organised. Photos on the wall, evidence of stuff I am proud of scattered around, and let us not forget the rather large ‘To Do’ pile of work. This room wont be mine for long, we have a cunning plan in order to switch it back into a bedroom for my teenage daughter, so I have kind of neglected the room, along with really, the rest of the house and my sanity. Today I got a random spout of awesome motivation and decided to take back control of my house. I decided it was time I got a grip and made my house a home again. I needed to stop hiding the mess behind closed doors, kind of like the way I tend to hide myself. It was a massive chore, about 4 hours in all, and I think at one point I nearly drowned in paperwork, BUT the sense of satisfaction walking round the house when I was done was AMAZING!

To see the floor in Noah’ room, to see a space where I could be productive and call my own for a small while and be able to lock out the world, to have a bath in peace and not worry about a monstrous lego tower falling on my head or a toy car popping up out the bubbles, from where, who knows! To not have piles of clothes on every surface going, to be able to see my kitchen work tops and to notice the colour of my stair carpets now they have been hovered in the first time in more than I care to admit! Although I meant to be focusing on today, and I am, it took me back to when I was house proud and I was constantly on a mission, cleaning and sorting. Everything had its place and god forbid you didn’t put something back EXACTLY where it came from if you used it. I know now, I did this because I was floundering. I felt I had no control over anything in my life, apart from cleaning and binging and purging. I had no idea what I was here for, what purpose my life held. I was grasping at whatever I could as life passed me by.

Now, things are very different. Yes, my Depression is still an absolute ball ache and I still don’t know how I am going to be one day to the next BUT I have a reason. I have a purpose, a vision, a dream! Yet, because of this, the first thing that disappears when I hit a bad spell and the last thing to make an appearance when I am feeling well again, is my housewifely duties. I have NO excuse to have a messy house. I am on full time sick, my children are at school (when they are not on one of the MANY school holidays anyway), although I still have coursework for my PT course and Nutrition course and I still do as much as I can volunteering for MIND, basically, there is no reason why my house should EVER be messy. Yet I let it, because I get to the point where I just don’t care. I go through the bare minimum motions to not be a scruff, I do what needs to be done for my kids. I just get so exhausted with the whole adult thing as I feel like a complete fraud. Sometimes I think I do it to see if anyone notices.

So now, right in this very minute, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel content. My house is a home again, I can hear Noah laughing and singing along to the cartoons downstairs, the birds are singing outside even though it is raining. I can here and feel my fingers on the keys of the lap top, the carpet under my feet and the cold wood on the left side of thigh. I feel lighter than I have in months, I feel ready, although honestly, I am not entirely sure what I am ready for. I made more baby steps forward in other parts of my future today but by focusing on what I need to do NOW! There are still a lot of things swirling round my head, I keep flitting to one thing or another but that is me. That is what happens. What I am learning to do is decide which bit is worth my attention. I am studying on Silver Cloud, an online CBT tool and it is really good! I am learning more about myself and how my brain works. How I can spot a bad thought or feeling and how to address it proactively and positively.

I am very aware that tomorrow is a new day, that it could be a bad day but just as equally it could be a good day. Ultimately though, it is a day. Approximately 16 hours of awake time to do with what I want. Time I will never get back. Now, I realise how much time I have spent thinking I should have done things differently, thinking about time past. Depression has taken ALOT of my time as his own. It is now where I take it from here and have it to myself as much as possible. He will have his stronger days, but every day that I take even 5 minutes more for myself, it means I am getting that little bit stronger, that little bit better at coping.

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You cant change the past but you can learn from it. You CAN change the future but only if you embrace the now.

Love

CC xx