49 days and counting!

So shit is getting real, real quick! My very first marathon, and what a one to start (and most likely end) with, the London Marathon.

I have mentioned it several times and of course, if you have me on social media you will have seen my not so subtle begging for fundraising posts, but I haven’t really yet talked about it in great detail and certainly haven’t blogged about it! I think in all honesty I have been burying my head in the sand with it all, because I am flipping petrified!

Never in a million years did I think I stood a chance when I entered the ballot of actually getting a place. It was only my second time of entering, the odds are ridiculously low and there are people who have been trying for 18 years and have still been unsuccessful!

Honestly, when that envelope was on my floor on the day the results were given, I had no idea how I really felt. I had had a nightmare day from Hell where everything that could go wrong did and Depression was being a prick. Was this the cherry on top of a shit cake? Or was it a silver lining on a dark, wank day? Do you know what, I still have no bloody idea!

The emotions going through me change constantly but the truth is, the biggest, most painful one is absolute fear. I am 100% shitting my pants and unfortunately I do not deal with fear very well. I hide. I close down and shut up shop. I do anything in my power to self sabotage because quite frankly those feelings of rejection and failure seem to take over me. Yet, I know I am not a quitter. There is no way I am NOT going to do this. I know I am stronger than I ever believe. I know my fitness levels are actually pretty decent considering I drink like a fish every weekend.

It’s not all bad. I am excited too. I LOVE London and what a way to see as much of it as possible in one go? One painful way like, but still. I am going down on the Friday morning as I want to take in as much of the atmosphere as possible. I think truly, apart from 30 mile trail ultra in September (that is a whole different story), that this will the one and only marathon I ever run. So I want it to be memorable, for the right reasons, not because I get crated off in an ambulance!

Let’s face facts, I am nowhere near where I should be in my training plan. The longest run I have done to date is only 6 mile. Yep, that’s right, I just have another 20.2 miles to find in me, in 7 weeks! Due to the aforementioned self sabotage I have also got a stone at least to lose to be back to my pre freak out weight! I certainly don’t make things easy for myself! But I know I can do it, because I have done it before. And weight loss is probably the hardest thing I have had to do, alongside parenting and opening up about my mental heath struggles. I am not where I need to be yet, but that is just because instead of following the path, I have went right round the houses, and ate all the pies! It is not a cul de sac though, there is no dead end. I a just counting it all A’s experience and time on feet. I am not one who learns from her mistakes, and I will continue to fuck up royally in all sorts of areas, but I will not give up until I am where I want and deserve to be. Even if to get me there you need to drag me kicking and screaming! Though I’d rather dance it if I am honest.

So, where do I go from here? How much can I get sorted in 49 days, with everything else I have on my plate? Well firstly I am not going to focus on a time for the run. When I do that it becomes very overwhelming and as I said, I shut down. So all I want, is to finish. Whether that be in 5 hours or 8 alongside the road sweepers. No matter what time I do do it in, it is my first so it is a guaranteed PB! Bonus or what? I will picture that finish line, with medal and GIANT gin on every run I do. I am not going to follow a strict plan, as then I beat myself up if I can’t do what is required or I fail. I am just going to do whatever I can, whenever I can. I intend to get out an walk 26.2 mile in one go over the next few weeks so at least I can see that one way or the other, I can do the distance. I am going to aim for one long run a week. But I will be doing a lot of cross training too. I have refound my love for weights (and ignited the passion for the DOMS pain again) so I will be doing that too. I aim to exercise for 6 days, with one “rest day” as such.

What other things can I do that will help myself? This challenge is going to be physical but emotional and mental too so I need to cover all bases. I have started a food diary as this way I can see when I am missing meals and when I am binging. This should help me spot any potential patterns but also helps keep me accountable. I wont be mindlessly eating if I have to think about what I am doing in order to write it down. Although the weight loss is important to me, I refuse to go back to that place where I binge and purge. The feelings can be strong at the moment when things feel out of my control but although I know it gives me a quick and effective release, I don’t want to be back there. For the sake of my poor teeth more than anything else!

Water consumption has always been a HUGE issue of mine. It is so easy to drink 26 cans of cider, but to even get 2 glasses of water in me can seem impossible. For this reason I have downloaded an app that shout acts me to have a drink and gets all arsey with me if I don’t! I’m hoping if I stick with it for a few weeks it will finally become a habit! So that is my diet plan really. Not to diet as I know they don’t work but to make necessary changes.

For the other parts, blogging will have to become a big part, as it is one way to get the shit out of my head. This will help keep Depression’s daft arse cousin Anxiety at bay, or at least calmed down. He only really comes into play at 2am ish but he deffo has a field day with me when I let him! So blogging should help with that. I also need to make sure I am making some more time for me. I know I love and need to be busy but in the lead up to this wrath on, it is vital I learn how to chill out. Even just a little bit. Netflix might have to become a close personal friend, since Depression has taken away the joy of reading for me.

What can others do to hep me? Well donate please!! That would give me a MASSIVE boost! All money gos into Red Balloons in order for us to grow and help more people across the Tees Valley area, and further afield! Humour me on my FB posts, sometimes I will be having a bitch and moan and no doubt you will get proper sick of me, but seriously, all your support and encouragement means the world to me and keeps me going on the proper cap days. There will no doubt be times when you need to talk me off the ledge! Not that I am dramatic or anything haha. And if any sports massagers out there want to help me by giving me a weekly rub down, that would be handy!!

OK, so that’s my random ramblings from today. Tomorrow is a new day and a new week. One hell of a busy one but it is right in my hands to control. It is down to me whether I have a good week or a bad week, and after how good I have been feeling the last few days (all the smiles!!) having a bad week is just not an option to me.

I can and I will!

CC xx

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