Battling demon’s you cant always see

Gutted! My run streak, although no where near as good as it was at the beginning of the year, was going well and for about 95% of the time I was genuinely enjoying every run! I am doing only about 2% treadmill runs  now, where it was the opposite way round in January. Then, SHOCK, I fell ill. Monday and Tuesday this week I have been so poorly even my eye balls hurt. The worst part wasn’t that I was in so much pain everywhere, it was that it stopped me in my tracks, literally. I was getting out of breScreenshot_20171205-140959.jpgath walking up the stairs! Now, I have had my little pity party, moaned like only I can, played myself mournful tunes on the worlds smallest violin even! The thing is, what do you do when you can’t do the only thing that you know will guarantee to make you feel better?! It was a tough one. Monday I pretty much just spent in bed as I couldn’t actually do anything else. Extra shame being added that even then I didn’t sleep as I couldn’t breath. But yesterday, I could move around so I was determined to get better! The thing is, once I stopped focusing on woe is me and being all pathetic, I got thinking. Oh dear!

The thing with me is I live life in the fast lane as much as I possibly can. Stopping is not an option for me; I don’t have hundreds of years on this planet so I need to move quick sharp to ensure the amazing things I want to achieve occur in my lifetime and while I still have at least a couple of my marbles left to enjoy the success. When I get forced to stop, like when I get ill, it gets my head all busy, in the wrong way. Sitting with my lemsip yesterday I got thinking about fear. What I am scared of and why. I try to stick a brave face on as much as possible, some of my fears are ridiculous but some are deeply ingrained in me and if I fall too far and feel too weak, these fears could hold me back from fighting and going forward.

Now I have the standard little fears that most people have; moths and butterflies for instance. Only in real life, I don’t like the way they fly at you and yes, even butterflies. They are basically just moths in HD! Ironically I do love the metaphors that come from them, a grub into a gorgeous creature etc and I do love pictures of them, as long as they are not gigantic. I even have a tattoo of one down my upper back. Weird – well that is me! It is the wings flapping and their deely bopper things. Give me goosebumps!

My most ridiculous fear? Gimps. They scare the bejesus out of me. All that leather, not being able to see their faces. Terrifying. If I ran into one I think I would melt into a puddle. To be fair to me though, it is the mask thing. I can’t stand not being able to see someone’s face. It is freaky! Halloween can be an interesting time for me. I beg you all, stick to the face paint!

As I have got older, heights slightly worry me, flying causes me anxiety and I doubt very much that I would get on the rides I used to love any more. You see, I worry more that something will happen and my kids will lose me. Sounds extreme. Again, that’s me. All or nothing!

But here are my personal fears, the thinking fears. The daft fears that I have no control over. I am scared that if I stop, I wont start again. That all the things I have started to build will come crumbling down around me. I am no quitter but I am absolutely terrified that if given a chance my brain will just go, erm, nahhhhhh. That I will give up. That the place of numbness and just existing will appeal again and I will just want a quiet life. Don’t get me wrong, my new found feelings scare me themselves! Some of them are very strong. The feelings of love I have mean I have the ability to feel loss and pain. Big style. But I now know that the feeling of love and happiness is worth that risk, that fear, of pain.

I am scared that I am completely kidding myself. I have such high hopes and grand plans for the future. Yet I feel a bit of a fraud. I know I put so much pressure on myself to do well that if I fail in anything the affect it has on me mentally can be quite brutal. I know this is what spurs me on but at the same time I don’t want it to be what destroys me if I don’t do as well as I think I should. It links to rejection I suppose. I know I have put weight on over the last few weeks so all I see in the mirror is the lass from this time last year. I know my fitness levels have peaked despite this but even the idea of not exercising scares me. The fact that I will lose what I have worked so hard to gain. I will lose my speed that has been amazing to be fair since my half marathon. I will lose my strength and muscle definition as I haven’t got a weights routine in place at the moment. I am utterly scared that I will lose my passion for it! If that was to happen I feel like everything would become meaningless. The foundations of my future and my principles are based on exercise and it’s benefits. I think it is because I don’t fit the stereotype of a person of fitness and I feel that even at 33 I don’t have age on my side.

So this is the thought spiral that occurs when CC cant run. Pretty shocking isn’t it?

Well today, today has kicked me up the bum and I can celebrate what I can and have achieved. I truly believe that facing your fears and going out your comfort zone is a compulsory part of self development and appreciation. If you don’t know what scares you, you cant really know what pushes you. I constantly keep surprising myself at the minute and I love that feeling. Feeling poorly for 2 days I expected the gym to be a bit of a disappointment and I was just going to get back in to the swing of things BUT

I RAN A SUB 25 MINUTE 5KM!!!! What the actual??

Go on CC!!

On top of that, yesterday I received an invite to my very first awards ceremony for my local MIND. Makes me so proud to be a volunteer and I am so excited to meet people and see what other amazing things happen across the charity and our local community. Our Christmas In Mind campaign kicks off on 12 December too. I have a little quote featured in the press release and I have written a Christmas Blog that will hopefully be featured on one of those days.

As well as this I have finished the assignments I had due and I am as prepared as I can be for a presentation I have to give tonight on social divisions – inequalities in gender, race and ethics within employment in modern society. Not even 50% I have a clue what I am babbling on about, but I keep thinking, it’s just one more assignment closer to Uni. So for 3 whole hours this afternoon I had the absolute luxury of doing……….. NOTHING! And for the very first time in forever, I could appreciate it, because I knew I deserved it. I wasn’t procrastinating, I wasn’t poorly, I wasn’t stressing or overthinking or beating myself up. I was just… ME.

So all in all, it’s been a sunshine and showers couple of days but I love the changing seasons in myself as it all just adds to the colourfulness that I like to think I have. Yes I have many fears, but I am not scared to admit them. That means they cant hold any power over me and Depression cant use them as weapons. I have never been more determined than I am right now, in this minute and the fact I have had a smile on my face all day – result! I do look so much better with a smile.

I believe I can so I shall!

Much Love

CC xx


2 thoughts on “Battling demon’s you cant always see

  1. Got to love a bad arse gimp 😲 you should be proud you’ve overcome so many bridges. Here’s to building your beautiful bright future self and adventure xx

    Liked by 1 person

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