So much for me not neglecting my beloved blog, but yet again a little thing called life got in the way. To be fair though, that little life of mine has become a whole lot bigger in a very short space of time!
My last blog touched on what I was going to be doing, now I am 2 weeks in the midst and ultimately, it is equal amounts of awesomeness and what the fuck am I doing to myself! I cant lie, not having my Depression completely under control yet is a big worry. Although I have had more good days than bad, it is always lurking in the background, like an annoying person who reads over your shoulder. To be honest the bad days haven’t been bad days as such, more bad episodes. So in that way I am counting myself incredibly lucky. Saying that, as I am having to schedule in breathing I suppose my brain hasn’t had much of a chance to have it’s wicked way with me!
College – I LOVE IT! The course is so much more than I expected and I am only a week in, having missed a week to go away. It is everything I am interested in, the subjects are so involved and informative that I forget that it is a night and I would normally be tucked up in bed before the classes have even finished! I am soooo rock ‘n’ roll aren’t I? :’) Part of me wishes I had known back when I was younger what I wanted to do and had discovered this path. What I have realised though is, although I do worry age could be a negative, I have what I didn’t have all those years ago. Genuine life experience, and fuck has it been an experience to date! As well as knowledge and passion and a clear cut route of where I want to end up; with the added extra of knowing where to look to find out the best path to take. Yes it’s going to be a tough journey. I know I will laugh, cry, throw things (hide the Yankee Candles), feel amazing, feel like a failure and no doubt want to give up every other day, but I do know, deep deep, deep down that I more than have the ability to do this. I do have a brain, a pretty decent one at that. It just hasn’t had to be used for a long time. It needs its cobwebs blasting off, it needs a nudge awake, or a sledgehammer if that would be more beneficial. Actually, do you know what will make the biggest difference, believing in my potential. The reason I struggled with my PT work, apart from the lack of concentration and Depression stoving my head in at the critical time, is I didn’t honestly believe in myself. I was kidding myself at the time. I wanted it so bad in one way, in a massive way, but I just didn’t think anyone would take me seriously. It’s different to be the person living and breathing the gym and exercise and preaching it’s amazingness. It’s completely the other to have people actually wanting to use you and follow what you say and trust you can get them the results they need. It was hard for me to trust I have the ability to do it myself!
See, self doubt is never far from the front of my mind. Luckily, my passion and determination has won this time and I have secured extended time to complete. Yes, it adds yet more to my ever maddening work load, but in a few years time when I am doing what I love and reaping the benefits, I will look back on this time and be proud that it was another hard step in my life that helped build my character and become the strong, independent woman I will be. It also helps with the motivation to get the body I want. Yes, currently, and yes I sound like a broken record, I have let my own personal standards slip. My eating has fallen off, my exercise, well it is regular, it cant not be as I am training for my half marathon but I KNOW I can do better, push harder. To be honest I am seriously debating getting a PT for myself. One so they can push me, advise me and really open my potential, two as I can pick their brains, watch them work, live their methods. Nothing better than on the job experience in my opinion.
Anyway, I digress, as I do when I yabber on about something I love so much. Mind mapping my thoughts yesterday made me truly realise just what I have going on. There is a lot of guilt at the moment that there are parts of my life I feel I am letting down. My friends and my volunteer work with MIND being top of the list. However, the thing that works with me is getting it all out of my head and on to paper. This way I can see the crap that is swirling around in my head, I can take it and I can mould it into some sort of a plan. I love lists. I list about lists about lists, but to me, this visual helps calm the chaos in my head. I can see that yes there is a lot but it can all be achieved. As long as I prioritise and most importantly, as long as I keep an eye on myself. I know all too well how easy it is for me to lose control by needing to be in control. By keeping so busy I run myself round the pole until I end up choking. I think I am pretty confident at spotting my signs now, but if not, I am even more confident there are people in my life who can spot it for me. Who wont be scared to tell me to calm down. Who will quite happily take me away from something to help me see the bigger picture. Those who will simply give me a hug when I need it, some encouraging words or even just to make me laugh so much I nearly piss my pants. Yes, Faye, I am looking at you lol. Need a new autocorrect mishap actually!
I am doing incredibly well not being on my AD’s and I have no intention whatsoever at going back on them. I am currently doing my research into more natural sources although I am doing well managing it with exercise and keeping busy. I do realise I am starting to close up slightly, I think I knew that would happen as soon as I realised it was the end for me and my counsellors beautiful relationship. This is why I MUST keep up with this blog, even if I just do it weekly. Yes, I love that people take the time to read it and I would love it to spread further and help as many people as possible, but mostly I love the way the sounds of the keys clacking help soothe me, the way the words tumble out my fingers, even if they make no sense, it means there is a new bit space in my head. I know my spelling is sometimes out and grammar, well I must drive the grammar police frigging mental but what it means to me is, it is me. Raw, uncut, uncensored (literally). That is the best form of therapy for me, as often I am being whoever anyone else wants me to be. Here I am just CC, in all her disgraceful, bullshit, verbal diarrhoea glory!
Like the tag line says, even Wonder Woman must have a TO DO list and I bet it’s epic. Although hers is probably headed with save the world or some sort of shit so she wins in the importance stakes. Sometimes it helps to realise that even superheroes struggle, I bet they bash their head off a steering wheel in frustration and struggle to get out of bed some days. I bet Wonder Woman looks and sees flaws in her perfect figure, Batman feels too fat for his suit some days, Superman cant be arsed to fly at times and Hulk, well sometimes I bet he just wants to smash shit up to make himself feel better. We are all frigging awesome people, with amazing potential. We don’t need a cape, although lets face it, I’d look pretty fucking cool in one, what we do need is time, self love, support and awareness. What we definitely need is the ability to realise that we cant always be super and we do need help.
Ahhhhhhh, that feels better! Until next week 😀