I may be making slow progress but I am making progress!
Well, today has been a bit of an eye opener to be fair. Thankfully the way I have been feeling makes much more sense now. I know counsellors are trained and this is what they are meant to do but it still amazes me that she can get things from me that I couldn’t see for myself. I might know that something is up but 9 times out of 10 I cant for the life of me figure out what. She seems to have these magic keys that open me up and she can see exactly what is going on in the complex mess that is my mind.
OK, so I am not as far on my journey as I thought. Those cards that are glued to my chest, that I thought I was hiding so well that I didn’t have to actually acknowledge them, are starting to shift a little bit. With this comes new emotions and memories that I may not have had the courage to accept and deal with before now. As my brain starts to open up to my new way of thinking it releases a little bit more of my past and how I am feeling, seemingly from a conversation I have had that was a subconscious trigger.
Hands up, I am scared. I have trained myself for so many years to think and feel, or not feel to be more accurate, a certain way that changing my mind set is very overwhelming. I like to think I don’t care, it is what it is, and to a degree IT IS what it is but I cant just tick a box and walk away. My internal child has well and truly spat her dummy out and she wants attention NOW. She wants to be heard, how she felt, what she had to do, why she did what she did. She wants to get it all out. The pain, the sadness, the fear, the loneliness, she wants to vomit it all out, the way I want to when I feel like I cant cope and I need a sense of control and purpose. As scary as it might be to go back, little CC deserves her turn. I have kept her locked in a box pretty much all her life.
For now little CC’s story will remain strictly confidential. I am not ready to share, to be honest the idea of going back and exploring it all is not something I am looking forward to at all, but it is the biggest bag I have been carrying and although I kidded myself I had looked in it, all I really did was push it round the floor so it looked like I had. I put so much pressure on myself to succeed, in everything, that even getting better was like a job I had to do. I HAD to get better as quick as possible, I didn’t want to feel shit, I don’t have time to have bad days and deal with shite. Surely if its in the past it should stay in the past?! Well yeah, if you had actually dealt with it!
The feelings of worthlessness and failure, especially feeling stupid when I know I am actually an intelligent person, make sense to me now. There is only so much you can put on yourself but as I am my biggest critic, every time I couldn’t focus instead of being nice to myself and perhaps giving myself a break, I was pushing even harder. Like I have a point to prove. To be fair, in one way I do feel I have a point to prove. “Hey! Look at me! Look at what I am doing!” I have pushed and pushed and put so much pressure on myself my brain just shot its pen down, crossed its arms and told me to fuck right off! Deservedly so! As my counsellor has made me see today, I need to stop being so rigid, stop putting so much on what I want to achieve and just take it in my stride. I know I can do it so I need to stop being so hard on myself. If I had a teacher screaming at me the way I scream at myself I would flip my lid, so why do I think it’s ok to do it to myself? At this moment in time, my ambition and passion to succeed has the real potential to derail me completely if I don’t take a step back and breathe! Yes, I have a lot to do, but I have time. I need to slow the fuck down. I want the world and I will get the world but it will take time and patience. As the old saying goes, all work and no play makes CC a very highly strung nutjob!
Today I am exhausted. Plain and simple. Knowing that I need more counselling has actually been a relief though. She makes me feel strong and I feel like for one hour a fortnight I make sense. I can say things that NEED to be said but without hurting anyone or causing drama. I could have felt it was a failure on my half, how I am looking at it though is that I am accepting there is a problem and I am trying to fix it. I have to work on my negative language when I talk about myself. I know it is hard for some people who care about me that I wont open up to them. Maybe I never completely will as these are my issues but I do know I can talk if and when I need to. I don’t need saving I just need supporting. I am frustrating as hell and sometimes I make absolutely no sense! Don’t take it personally, I don’t even know what I am on about myself half the time.
I am beginning to realise that my circle is a lot smaller than it once was, I am learning who cares, who is there for me before I even really know I need someone. I know I bang on about mental health and fitness all the time but these things are important to me. I don’t expect you to feel the same way but to appreciate they are my passions. I could be sad that I have lost people but no, I wont. Maybe I have given them reason to, if you are reading this and think I have, I am genuinely sorry. Sometimes I cant see the tree for the leaves. Maybe they just never cared that much in the first place. Fine. Maybe I have now served my purpose in their life. Again, fine. Your loss. I am a bloody delight after all ;-P To those that have stuck with me though, old and new, thank you!
What I have learnt today though is I reckon I would make a damn good spy! Getting information from me is like getting blood from a stone……..unless you have a magic set of keys that is.
Line drawn, mistakes made, realisations realised, now gloves are back on. Ready to fight!