Another song that speaks to me. You’ll be able to make a CC playlist at this rate! I have had it in my head for days for some reason although I haven’t heard it for yonks. Today it seems like it makes perfect sense. My head IS a jungle. I find little bits of open space but ultimately it is still overgrown
My metaphor to describe it all would be a garden that has been neglected. Basically, you start tending to it, getting ready so you can chill out in it during nice weather. The thing is, life can get in the way and your garden becomes one of the things that can get left behind. It becomes messy and over grown and ugly looking. All it needs to keep it right is a bit of love and attention. The same goes for how I see myself at the moment. I don’t necessarily mean I need people to give me love and attention, although I cant lie and say it wouldn’t be nice, what I mean is I need to give ME love and attention. I need to stop putting myself down, beating myself up about shit, starting to bury my head in the sand about things again.
Since I broke my exercise streak and had my first rest day a few weeks a go I have felt like I have massively fallen back and undone all my hard work. I do know this is not possible, a few weeks of randomness wont undo over a year of dedication and hard work. I just cant seem to get my head right. I have been faking things in the hope that I will “catch up with myself” but I have to admit, the feeling I have previously got from things just hasn’t been there. I feel like a failure. I feel like my passion has disappeared and I am not quite sure how to get it back.
I went to bed last night feeling defeated but at the same time, bloody determined! I have got this far. I will not let the demons take me back over to the dark side. I am a fighter, a warrior. I have plans, goals, aims that I will hit! I deserve to and I know I will be damn fucking good at what I want to do if I can retrieve that passion back. I have to stop faking it completely. When will I learn that it does not work? If anything it sets me further back as I find it easier to talk myself out of things and pretend that my failings are OK. I have let 1 bad day turn into 3 weeks, 9 days in a row of which consisted of drinking alcohol, eating shite food and hiding from reality. Don’t get me wrong, as I said, I had fun, especially in Maga, but I have made a 4 day holiday an excuse to go off the rails. I can not afford to do that. So today, my train is getting back on its tracks!
Routine for me is key I have realised. I need to plan and structure. I need lists and to map my day out. I need to plan my meals again, I need to massively up my water intake. I need to get back outside running. Desperately. Before I lose all passion completely for the one thing that has kept me going. As a friend made me see yesterday, I have achieved so much in just 6 months. I cant help feeling a failure as that’s how Depression makes me feel when I know I am not on track, but I know deep down I am not one. I need to keep busy again, no excuses. Unfortunately, as much as I know I need to “rest” it is plain for me to see now that I am simply a person that needs to be busy. I can not disappear into my mind. It’s not a safe place in there. Too many holes to fall into and I know if I continue on the way I have been this past week I will find a hole that is simply too big for me to scramble out of. I need to have a purpose. I need a reason to be me. The me I want to be.
Thankfully today I see my counsellor again. It has been 3 weeks and although it may not sound like a long time it feels like forever. Once I have seen her I feel a sense of clarity. Like another piece of my jigsaw has been completed. She barely says anything to me, she just lets me rant but in that hour I discover stuff I never knew I felt. Things I may not have even thought about before come out. Sometimes it is painful, sometimes it is confusing, sometimes it makes me really mad. What is good though, although it can hurt like hell, is that I am finally learning to FEEL. I have genuine emotions. I cant say I always like this fact, I have done very well at being closed off. It keeps me safe. I do however know it is part of the journey.
My next step is to learn to let people in, properly. I am still really bad at this and whenever I am feeling vulnerable, instead of reaching out and admitting I am struggling I am retreating and pushing people away. I am fucking terrified of being hurt and I am simply not strong enough to cope with that so I am going the opposite way and being a bitch or just completely closing off and avoiding a situation. The stupid thing about it all is I know I will feel much better if I am just honest! My coping strategies are certainly a lot to be desired. I’m basically just a dick.
So, it is time to go back to setting myself monthly challenges. They will be fitness and exercise based but I need to recapture the passion and dedication I had on January 1st when I started RED January. My nature is competitive and I need to win. I need focus and I need achievements I can see and measure myself against. So, June:
- Run 100 miles
- Complete Core Challenge from the RED discussion
- Lose 6lb
- No bread
SMART targets. One’s I can certainly achieve. My 10km is a week Sunday and although I feel very nervous about it right now, I can not wait for that feeling when I cross the finishing line. I have raised £65 for Mind so far, not a great amount so PLEASE if you are reading this, donate, even just £1. Mind is a charity, they need help from others to be able to help others. You never know who you may be helping.
Today is a new day. I am going to kick todays arse! As cheesy as it sounds, I am going to find myself again.
To anyone who might be reading this and struggling too, I have your back. We can do this! Grab my hand, we can pull each other through. Strength in numbers.