Sorry is a necessary word to me. It is vital to maintain harmonies in personal relationships, professional circumstances and in general to show you are not a bad mannered ignoramus. You fuck up with your other half and you KNOW it is your fault, the adult thing to do is say sorry (even if you want to stick your tongue out at them and kick them in the shin for being a dick and making you do it. No? Just me?) You realise you have made a mistake at work, it effects more than just you, you hold your hands up, apologise and go about doing anything you can to remedy the situation and redeem yourself. You bump into someone in Asda and of course, you say sorry (and if you don’t you are the type of person I slag off! Rude twat. Manners cost nothing!)
So with all of this in mind, why cant I apologise to myself? Why cant I see what I have done to myself? What I can still do to myself. Why do I beat myself up about everything? Why do I question every decision, every action?
Now, bit of a downer of an intro, especially considering that today I actually feel more like myself than I have in, well, months! I have been in a positively daft arse mood all day, probably much to the dismay of anyone who has the unfortunate luck of conversing with me lol. It doesn’t stop me thinking about things though. In fact it actually helps as I can see things more for what they are as opposed to what my Depression wants me to see.
My most recent example being, as expected, my impending holiday with the lasses. I know I have changed a lot, especially since last time I went. Well actually, I am pretty much half the lass I was. I know I put myself out there with photos and I do get positive reactions. I wouldn’t say I do these things for active feedback, I am absolute nightmare when it comes to accepting praise and compliments! I do it because I am trying to build up my respect for myself. My confidence in myself, to see how others see me.
Time for some brutal honesty, the lack of appetite and interest in food has recently made me feel pretty good. I have not had to worry over every bit of food that goes in my gob. For a couple of weeks I haven’t had a stable routine fitness wise, having to squeeze in what I could when I had time, so it helped counter act the niggling voices that can take over. However, when I did eat, those familiar urges had started to return, quite strongly. One night I even tried to justify to Darryl that if he was smoking again he must understand the urge I am feeling. That if he can do that why cant I do what I needed to do. I feel very shameful admitting that but that is the way it was. I can hand on heart say that I have fought every urge, I have not once made myself sick, even when it was the only thing I could fixate on. The one thing I had in my head that if I did I would be able to shake the bad mood I had. But I cant begin to express how much I really fucking wanted to. Every bit of food I ate felt heavy in my stomach.
I am well aware I need to address these issues. I have started weighing myself several times a day, every day “just for experimental reasons” I say. Bullshit. I am keeping myself accountable! I am measuring my stomach every morning to make sure I haven’t went over a limit that I have given myself. I am not skipping meals, I am eating, that is the truth. Finally I have started to enjoy what I am eating again, my cooking has been therapeutic for me, however, with that comes a fresh new battle, not binging. As the switch in my appetite has suddenly occurred and all I want to do is eat. All I have thought about since this morning is food. It’s like a constant battle in my head! To counter act it I was debating starting a Slimming World food diary again so I would be accountable for everything that touched my lips. I haven’t done that, however I caught myself earlier making a mental note and using this to decide what to have for my tea.
The one plus I have, which some may see as a negative but hear me out, is the running and exercise part of things. Because I have important things to train for, things I am actually fundraising for, I know that I can not starve myself, skip meals, make excuses etc. I have to have a balanced diet. I may struggle mentally with it, A LOT, but I am having to do it. Yet again, exercise is saving the day. Since Monday I have been back at the gym at 7am, and I do believe this has a lot to do with my massively positive mood today. I am able to stick to a routine I know works for my body, that I know is working what and where I need it to. However, packing for my holiday yesterday was particularly stressful for me and I believe that is why I have been putting it off. Normally I have packed in March for a holiday in May, no joke!
I have not missed the irony that when I was 2 stone heavier I seem to have had more confidence, I had packed very early, I had outfits sorted, bikinis, the lot. I looked in the mirror and from what I remember I just saw me. Yes, improvement needed but I had lost a couple of lbs back then so I was feeling pretty damn good. So, why the fuck now, 28lb lighter , am I seeing a completely different me to what my photos are showing. It’s such a head blag!
This is why I want to say sorry, to me. Sorry CC, for hating yourself. Sorry for beating yourself up when to be honest, you know that the pictures show what you look like. Depression has control over your eyes:mirror image. Sorry for having a constant battle with food, when ultimately you actually do love it! Sorry you cant ever enjoy it without guilt or urges you cant follow through with. Sorry for questioning and batting away peoples compliments when you should embrace them. What would people have to gain from lying to you? Sorry for never believing in you.
So CC, (so weird talking to myself through text. I only normally do this in my head) I am going to make a few promises to you. This wont happen over night, this is a lot of years of messed up ness in play at the moment, but here is what we are going to do short term at least. You are going to stick those bikinis on on holiday and you are going to flaunt what your mother gave you! You are going to hold your head high and whenever paranoia starts to strike, you are going to have a massive drink of your drink and give one of the other lasses a genuine compliment. You are going to eat and drink whatever the fuck you want because lets face it, 4 days is not going to completely unravel 18 months of hard fucking work. This lass climbs skyscrapers for fun for fuck sake! If you get a compliment you are going to enjoy it! You are not going to talk your way around it or deflect it but you’re going to believe it! You are going to wear the biggest, most genuine smile you can. It is, after all, a lasses best accessory, even before diamonds 😉
Guess what CC, your holiday is going to start at 7pm tonight, so get that rose wine poured, you deserve it!
Happy Fucking Holidays!