You would think that with coming up to 8 weeks of lock down, I should have been spouting out blogs like I do swear words, but you know what? I just haven’t had the mental capacity. Words have failed me. Hard to believe I know! As the days and weeks have rolled on, talking about how I feel and where my head is at with everything has got increasingly harder and to be fair, it has been doing my tits in! Why does shit like this always happen when you are so close to that “breakthrough” moment?? It’s a piss take! Although let’s face it, I say shit like this, who the hell could have predicted that any of this would happen? And it’s not your bog standard shit either really, is it? So my point has therefore become somewhat moot. But hey ho! It’s my blog so I can say what I want.
Have I learnt a lot through these past 854238 days? Yep! Probably a bit too much, but how I am TRYING to see it, as with all other shite in my life, these days have been sent to test me, and as I am stubborn cow, the only thing they will do is make me stronger. Cringe alert, but it is true. I have realised that I am in fact quite the little house wife. I am the worlds WORST parent teacher, to the point that I hold my hands up and say I have done about 2%. But despite the guilt trip newsletters from the school (yeah, really!) I couldn’t give a flying fuck, as my 6 year old son, who suffers with anxiety at the best of times, has been happy and is healthy. He may have had way too much technology but he has also read, been out and about, played and more importantly, laughed. I have had so many lush kisses and cuddles. I want him to look back on this and see that although I am no Mary Poppins, that is for damn sure, that his Mam was there for him. I don’t want him to remember fear or uncertainty, just life as it was. A little bit different to normal. Whatever normal is!
My daughter, she has been my sidekick and an amazing form of comfort and support. I really don’t know what I would have done without her! But I hate to see her so stressed over her GCSE’s and all her school work. Missing her friends and whatever normality meant to her. She is the one I am most worried about but also the one I am most at awe of. Don’t get me wrong, she has her flaws and she knows it. She can be a right little git! But as with everything in her life, she just gets on with it. She might have a meltdown, but she rides it out and then starts again. I just wish she could see just how truly amazing she is. She is just mint at everything, and bloody drop dead gorgeous! I have learnt a massive amount of respect for her. I am and always will be her Mam and not her friend, but to have formed the relationship we have now, the one I honestly NEVER thought I would have, has meant everything.
I have learnt that if I thought juggling uni and running Red Balloons was hard before all this, when I was here, there and everywhere, it is nothing compared to how stressed I have been and how much I have struggled since all this CoVid crap. When I say struggled I mean really struggled. To the point that if, again, I wasn’t so bloody stubborn, I would have sacked it all in. I really would have. Because in my head, I just cant do it. I have never felt so thick in all my life. Things I know just wont come out right. Exams at home? What a fucking joke! I have so much respect for all my friends and anyone else out there who is in education, because fuck me, it is hard! We have earned this summer off that is all I can say! But to throw it at another angle, although I still have three pieces of work to submit before I can breathe again, I HAVE done it. I have muddled through. I may have done things arse over elbow, and there is always a chance I wont pass and will have to resit, but I have tried. When I really didn’t want to. I have learnt that passion will get you through the worst things. When you believe in what you are doing, it does help you along, even if you’re kicking and screaming!
I have learnt that there are people who are really going to boil your piss, more so than when we have freedom. People I know and people I don’t. I have also learnt that I really need to bite my tongue a bit more, or at least take a breath before I speak or type. But at the same time, I am nobody’s fool. I am not afraid to say what I think or what I see, even if the way I actually feel is a whole lot harder to vocalise. The way I feel, and the thoughts in my head have been absolutely horrible. Scary at times. And I have come so so close to the edge of my hole again, resorting back to old, familiar habits. But I got brave just in time, and have managed to open up just enough to take some power back. I have managed to start to explain to my other half just how fucked up I really am. He doesn’t pretend to understand it, but he does listen. He can’t make everything better and make me see what he sees, but he can make it all quiet when he hugs me and I know that he won’t let bad things happen to me. In general, or from myself. I am, after all, my own biggest enemy. We drive each other fucking mental, but at the same time we just get each other. And through these last 8 weeks he has kept me laughing. We have had so much random fun, the neighbours must think we are bat shit, but it doesn’t matter. To be fair, we completely are! And proud! And we are building a gorgeous home together. There are definitely silver linings!
So anyway, tomorrow starts 2020’s Mental Health Awareness Week, and this years theme is amazing – Be Kind. I have so much planned for Red Balloons. I really hope we can make a lasting impression and reach as many people as possible with even the littlest of things that we do. Look out for social media LIVE’s, virtual walks and runs, blogs, songs, quotes and whatever else I decide to throw into the mix! Recently I have done, and received little acts of kindness, and the difference they make is unreal. Yet the one promise I want to make to myself, starting from this week, is to BE KIND to myself. I have hated myself, abused myself, wanted to disappear and felt like a fraud, a failure, a bitch, worthless, fat, ugly and all the rest. I have felt like a burden to those I love and have doubted their love for me because I just cant see or believe what they tell me. BUT I know now, that they deserve to have a me that knows her worth, I might be needy, moany and a right crazy pain in the arse sometimes, but they still love me. They haven’t fucked off and left me. They are supporting me and encouraging me to be me. And as I think these people are all kinds of fucking amazing, and I would never question their opinions on anything else, I need to stop questioning their feelings and thoughts about me. I would NEVER let anyone talk to anyone else, and least of all themselves, the way I have been talking to me, so therefore I need to sit up and take note!
Do I have a plan of how I intend to be kind to me? To be fair, not really yet. I only decided to do a blog when I started typing, so apologies but I am incredibly under prepared. However, for the first time in what feels like forever, I have some time coming up where I will be completely alone for some hours during the day. I am scared shitless you know. I don’t tend to do well when I am left alone with myself. But I am determined to get to know myself again. To spend some time figuring out what makes me tick. What triggers me. What makes me feel good. What do I want? What don’t I want? What can I do to make myself feel good?
I did a challenge a couple of years ago where I had to say one positive thing about myself every day. It was fucking hard! I struggled after declaring that my simply fan-fucking-tastic sense of humour was epic! *Insert that weird smug/sarcastic emoji here* but I think it did help. So for MHWA I am going to stick to the daily themes we have and do a post of one thing linked to that theme. Should be interesting!
Anyways, I think I have had enough keyboard therapy for one day, and bored the socks off you enough. Bet you’re glad it’s Sunday! So I shall leave this here. And go and do whatever else is on my list of To Do’s. As always, thanks for reading. Please, look after yourself, look after each other and BE KIND.